Saturday, 5 January 2013

Anorexia's Fairground

I'm so confused
So very alll over the place
I don't know whether I'm coming or going
Round and around I go on this never ending merry-go-round
'Where it stops nobody knows'
I know this ride well
I've been on it so many times they don't even charge me anymore
I am a valued customer
Every time I manage to get off for a second I promise myself never again
Never again will I put myself and my loved ones through this again
But this ride is hard to resist
The colours, the music, the promise of the ride of a life time
It all pulls me back in
Each time I promise myself that this time will be different
But it's an empty promise
A promise that's never kept
You would think that I'd be sick of this ride by now
But I go back time and time again
The price is a high one
It's with money you pay
You pay with your dignity, self respect and self worth
For this ride is governed by anorexia and bulimia
The mistresses of the merry-go-round
They drive this ride
They are in charge
They call the shots
I am merely a passenger
I have no say where the ride goes
I have no power to stop it
I wish I did




I feel so angry with myself
Here I am in one of the most beautiful and exciting countries in the world and all I can think about is losing weight
I watch people closely
It's the height of summer here so people wear very little
I look at other girls and pick out the parts I like for myself
I'll have her legs
Her ass
Her boobs
Her arms
Like a human jigsaw I put together the perfect body piece by piece
Limb by limb
Having to expose my own limbs is depressing
I yearn for long, lean, lithe limbs
Instead I have chubby little stumps
Everytime I catch a glimpse of my reflection I want to punch it
I try my best to look nice and presentable
I do my hair
Wear nice clothes
Apply make up
But no amount of max-factor or Topshop can camoflauge my hatred for my appearance
Every time I see a photo of myself I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to starve
I want to hurt me
My mother says that my perception is warped
But that's what I see
And that's what matters



I started a new blog on Wordpress in an attempt to kick start recovery
A new place
A new identity
A new me
But of course it's not as simple as changing your user name
If only it were that simple
I think it's a reflection of my state of mind these 2 blogs
One part wants to get well
Wants to recover
To reclaim my life
The other part wants to stay sick
That part is so very  stuck
So having 2 blogs is confusing me even more
It's like there are two of me
Ruby and Poppy
There's a tug of war going on in my head
In the words of Lana Del Rey

'Been trying hard not to get in to trouble but I gotta war in my mind'



I'm trying to enjoy myself
And I am
But it's always interrupted with thought of food, weight and numbers
I bought some new clothes the other day
That made me feel good
But now I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web
Stuck
Under attack
Afraid
About to die
Please spider let me go or let me die



Ok, I've officially stopped making sense
Please excuse this nonsense







With love from at

22 comments:

  1. Bella5 January 2013 at 23:28

    You too are precious Ruby, and I hope you'll be able to beat this. You're so strong to have survived this far. Have you thought anymore on going back to treatment?

    All my love,
    xxBella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 01:36

      Thanks Bella, I am thinking about but not anytime in the near future, Maybe towards the end of the year

      Love toy you too sweetheart x

      Delete
  2. Anonymous6 January 2013 at 00:09

    I can relate, I felt like that when I went to Singapore, the eating disorder just wrecked everything =(

    Stay strong. Sending hugs.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 01:37

      Is that you Agnes?
      I hope so, I've been wondering how you are
      Hope everything is ok x

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6 January 2013 at 06:45

      It is, yes I'm fine, just had problems with privacy issues and had to move yet again. Load of drama with a real life friend linking my blog to facebook for the world to see after I took an overdose... yeah, it's been a crazy couple of months! lol

      x

      Delete
    3. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 13:01

      So good to hear from you, I really was worried when I saw you had deleted your blog. I'll definitely be catching up on all your news.

      Take care x

      Delete
  3. Loopy Lucie6 January 2013 at 02:26

    Oh Ruby you sound like your in a tough place. You want to enjoy where you are but the ED is controlling you. I want to recover too...but its so hard. I love how you write, I love the fairground description, it was amazing. You should be a writer :) xx Lots of Lucie Love xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 03:23

    Thanks Lucie, it is a tough place to be, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope you make the decision to recover, believe in yourself, you can do this. I just wish I could apply this to myself

    I would love to be a writer, this blog has saved my life over and over again

    Love toy you too x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Journey to Me6 January 2013 at 08:16

    I love reading your blogs, stay strong flower xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Katie Elizabeth6 January 2013 at 08:23

    I couldn't relate any more than I do with this post. I have done scrapbook pages where I will pick out each and every little part of other women's bodies out of magazines and put them together to make them the "me" I want to be. And I totally agree with starting another blog. I have done the same thing. But I'm not sure if I'm going to post a whole lot in it. Stay strong dear.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 13:04

      I'm glad but sad that you can relate dear Katie. I spend far too much time doing this, cutting and pasting bodies,I don't know why I put myself through it.

      Do you use your other blog?
      I find it very confusing having two blogs x

      Delete
  7. Eve6 January 2013 at 08:37

    I wouldn't have enjoyed Greece had I been in mine too. I was ashamed of my body there but I still ate. I know you're having a tough time but you're beautiful and have a beautiful heart. <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. 6 January 2013 at 10:32

    This is basically where I feel I am at, mess and confusion. I understand what you mean.
    I hope you find some clarity darling. Identity wise I hope you find, seek out wichever is truest to you.
    Keep your head up my love, hang on tight it's a wild ride. Love you, take care xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 13:06

      Thank you sweetheart
      I am hoping and praying for some sort of break through
      A sign of what I should do, where I should go

      I'm hanging on for dear life

      Love you too x

      Delete
  9. Kat6 January 2013 at 16:25

    Hey chick,
    I recently moved across the country in order to create a new persona. A little more extreme than creating a new blog, but probably just as ineffective. My favorite psychology teacher in college always said, "No matter where you go, you will always be there". An obvious statement, yes, but also an interesting thought. Whatever you're looking for, you already posess. Just do a little self discovery.

    Hang in there, Ruby. You'll find it.

    ~Mystic

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 17:19

    I've heard that before Mystic and so very true
    I've done many things to change myself, my hair, my clothes, my address but the inside always stays the same
    As they say 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'

    Hope your move works out for you x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Peridot (G+P)6 January 2013 at 23:20

    What you mentally do with the Aussie chicks is what people actually do with photoshop when they make ads for magazines. Artists quite literally make a composite person to market the product by editing together photos of several different people.

    Chubby little stumps my hairy left testicle! You need to come meet Tweedle Evil/Penis Fingers, the horrible partly-dwarfed bitch I work with. SHE has chubby little stumps (Weird form of dwarfism). Anorexia and bulimia have most definitely broken your eyes.

    I understand wanting to punch your reflection and scream when you see pictures. There is no such thing as a good photo of me, I'm adept at avoiding cameras. I have to cover the mirrors in my house and keep my eyes down at the gym so I don't go on a smashing spree.

    I want the spider to let you the fuck go. I wish there was an easy way, I really really do.

    So many people were coming through work today with Irish accents, there must have been a cruise ship in. The girls all reminded me of you and I missed you so bad even though we've never really met properly.

    Love you to bits Ruby *huggles*

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ruby Tuesday6 January 2013 at 23:33

    I do that Peri, cutting and pasting people's body parts
    I saw a girl with the most amazing pair of legs today and it was all I could do not to run up to her and hack them off so I could have them for myself

    Maybe my eyes are broken Peri, I just can't tell anymore
    I can't trust my own judgement at all

    Darn that pesky spider
    Let me go please
    Please, please, please

    Ah that's funny 'there must be a cruise ship in'

    I miss you too Peri
    I'm hanging on the hope that someday we really will meet

    Love you to bits and pieces x

    ReplyDelete
  13. sofia7 January 2013 at 01:22

    i went to russia over the summer, but instead of enjoying the country i spent most of it depressed in my apartment because my disorder took over. these behaviors have such a strange way of pulling you in. and pulling you apart. good luck with everything, dear.

    stay lovely. <3

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ruby Tuesday7 January 2013 at 01:38

    Thank you Sofia

    I can relate
    I'm spending all my time on the computer, hiding from the world

    You stay lovely too x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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