After we had a candid chat we all felt a bit better
Although I haven't purged in the last 2 and a half days, I haven't eaten very much either
As I type this my sister and Jen are preparing a BBQ
It all looks delicious but I'm already trying to plot a way of getting out of it
In a matter of a couple of days I have switched from raging bulimic to controlling anorexic
I even surprise myself how easily I slip from one to the other
I'm sorry but I seem to be in the midst of a fast
How silly I feel
I'm not even one week in to the new year and I already fucking up
I want to be positive, I really do
But it seems beyond me at the moment
I threw out all my mirtazapine last week
They increase my appetite so maybe that has something to do with not eating at the moment
I feel like I am letting you all down
Letting my family down
And myself
My mother and I went for a walk this morning and we spoke about gong back in to treatment
I know that I will have to go someday if I want to get well
But I have no intention of going in anytime soon
The urge to lose weight is so strong at the moment
There is no scale here so I have no idea what my weight is and it's driving me nuts
Maybe I'm better off not knowing
Knowing those numbers has too much of a negative impact on me
My life is ruled by numbers
Weights
Calories
Measurements
Sizes
I give them all far too much importance
I let them define me
You may have noticed that I don't post weights here
I used to when I first started blogging
But I find reading other peoples weights very triggering
I inevitably compare myself to them
So that's why I don't post them
And I also don't want to be defined by my weight
I'm not sure where to go from here
I'm on the never ending merry-go-round that is eating disorder
It goes round and around and I don't seem to be able to get off
I won't take the risk
When I sit out the back here at night having a cigarette I listen to the house behind
From what I can tell they are a group of twenty something's house sharing
They always have music playing
There's always laughter
Lots of voices
Having a great time
I have to admit I am slightly jealous of them
They sound like they are having the time of their lives
Laughing
Joking
Living life to the full
And here I am on the other side of the wall, listening and spectating
Wanting so much to have that in my own life but too afraid to take the risk
At home I only see one friend
It's all I can manage right now
The thoughts of having to deal with groups of people is too much
I have major social anxiety
I'm so afraid of what others think of me
Will they like?
And if they don't why not?
What am I doing wrong?
It's hard to imagine that others could like you when you don't even like yourself
All my life I've been told that I have great potential
My teachers told me
My parents told me
But what does that mean?
That I could do something great
Possibly
Maybe
But probably not
In the words of Freddie Mercury
'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender'
When I get up in the morning before I face the world I put on my mask
I wear a variety of masks
Happy
Confident
Well
Out going
Funny
My act is carefully rehearsed and well polished
My lines are learnt off my heart
Only those who know me well can see through the thin vein of my act
Only a very few know the real me
They can see the pain in my eyes
They can see through to the blackness of my soul
I'm afraid that if I let the mask slip, then I will completely crumble and I just can't let that happen
I can't let myself fall apart
I feel like screaming but when I open my mouth nothing comes out
I feel like crying my heart out but I'm too numb so the tears won't come
I want to wear my pain on the outside
I want to lose weight
I'm sorry but I do
Not eating all those old feelings come flooding back
The rumbling in my hollow stomach
The natural high
The dizziness
Clothes feeling looser
I want it but I don't want it
I hate it but I love it
It's so very hard to resist
And I feel powerless to resist
I want to hold up my white flag and surrender
I' just so tired of fighting
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning for the first few seconds I forget that I am eating disordered
I forget that I'm recovering heroin addict
That I'm depressed
That I have acute anxiety
For the first few seconds I am free
Free as the wind
For the first few seconds I am just Ruby
Minus the diagnosis
Without all the baggage
I wish I could feel like that all the time
But then it hits me like a ton of bricks
Like a slap on sun burned skin
My day is literally filled with thoughts of food and numbers
I'd say I think about something to do with my eating disorder every 10 seconds
It never goes away\
It never leaves me alone
It's my constant companion
An unwelcome guest who has out stayed their welcome
I'm tired
Exhausted
Drained
I want to lie down and sleep forever
Never wake up again
I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up
It just goes on and on
I'm sorry
I truly am
How is 2013 treating you?
So far my 2013 has not been the huge life altering year I had hoped for. Im sorry that you are feeling like you are I wish that while you were away you could feel better and just live in the moment. I hate my mask I hate having to hid pretend smile when I want to cry god it is so exhausting. I find myself using bulimia as a bad up for situations I am forced to eat though. It is my back up my safe zone I hate it!!! chin up love talk to ya later.
ReplyDeleteI guess nothing changes if nothing changes Linny
DeleteIt's up to us to do something about our circunmstances
I'm paralysed by fear
Literally can't move because of it
I hope that 2013 improves for you, I really do
Stay strong
Keep fighting x
maybe the mirtazapin made matters worse...(i think it did!) i hope you will feel better soon. of course you are so much more than a diagnosis ruby, but still the illness is a big part of your life, which is hard and which you haven't chosen, as noone would "choose" any illness, especially not a potentially lethal one. but it is your life and i am sure there is still a lot of really good aspects about it and i am convinced there is a lot of great things to come. and by the way - we all wear masks, even the so called healthy people do. the trick is to wear only those you like.
ReplyDeletexxx
i'll udate soon regarding "my" early 2013..
Maybe it did Loulou, in fact it probably did
DeleteI've never been very good at managing my meds
I just hate the idea of something affecting my weight apart from what I eat
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment
If I could just lose 10 lbs and leave it at that I would
But of course It doesn't work like that
It's all or nothing this thing
I'll look forward to reading how 2013 is going for you x
I'm sending you ten hugs as I don't like that you're sad. I know it's difficult to be a recovering addict. (My bf is a recovering coke addict) and so every day without is fantastic! Keep fighting girl. I would say I think about it constantly too. I'm so hungry that I think about food and then get sad because I realize I can't have it. I know that just one bite won't be enough either. I am sending you tons and tons of love today as you need it. You're not alone, even if we aren't in the same place, you're not.
ReplyDeletemuch love, Eve
Thank you Eve
DeleteI'm sure you know all about addiction if your boyfriend is a recovering addict. Does he go to NA?
I really need to go back to NA, I used to go all the time but pulled away due to my eating disorder.
I had friends but now only see one of them.
It helps to know that I'm not alone but it also makes me sad if that makes sense
Thanks for your support, you are a star
Love to you too x
No he thinks it's a bunch of whiners talking about when they used to get high and that gping makes him want to get high. It works for some not all I suppose.
DeleteI think that's true Eve, the meeting s work for some but not for all. I guess we just have to find what works for us and our own path to recovery. I know that meeting s helped me but I can't see myself going back anytime soon
DeleteDoes your boyfriend use any other supports?
He had to do drug and alcohol counseling and that's it. He believes he should do it hinself which I don't think is a good idea.
DeleteIt's so hard to go it alone, I'm basically doing it on my own at the moment and it's tough. Addicts need support, need people who understand. I hope he will accept some support x
DeleteI feel.bad because there were times I was hard on him about it when he would get high and I regret that so much.
DeleteIt's beyond difficult to live with an addict Eve, you are human and it's understandable to get frustrated and upset.
DeleteDon't be too hard on yourself x
It really is and at four years dating today it's still a struggle. I hope you're feeling better today.
Delete<3
Hang in there, you've been together a long time and that will stand to you
DeleteI do feel a bit better thanks
I hope you do too x
Hugs, ruby. Recovery is something that takes time and it's filled with gaps, holes and all kind of bubs. Falling back down doesn't make it go away or disappear. Take your time on the other side, you know when it's time to try again with new power. It doesn't come along the periods of calendar, we all have our own calendar, own cycle that goes around like it wants. Don't worry about letting people down, you'll make them proud one day, now you're just a little bit tired and then you need to take a break set back a little and gather that strength that gives you power to move past that hole to the next one, then next one and again next one. Fighting past and its ghosts is really hard, time consuming and tiring. Specially when you break free for a second it takes just the next turn them to find you again.
ReplyDeletelots of love, Ruby.
<3
Thank you Tatyana for your kind words
DeleteI really needed to hear that today
I just need to remember that falling back doesn't mean that I have to stay in that place
I have good support at home and here
I do miss seeing Mary though so it will be good to get back to seeing her
Love to you too x
Hey,
ReplyDeletewhy isn't the funny confident one the real Ruby? It's still you, even though you say you're acting. There's a part of you in there that knows what it feels like to be those things, and you can become those things for someone else, so why not yourself?
I love when I forget I'm eating disordered. I'm glad you get to forget too. Now we need to find a way to forget all the time...
I'm sure that is part of me Emily, it just doesn't always feel comfortable, I feel like I'm acting and at any moment I could fall apart. I suppose the saying 'fake it 'til ya make it' is appropriate here. x
Deletekeep your head up and stay strong. things WILL get better, you just gotta be brave while you ride the waves. be gentle with yourself ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenn for your kind words x
DeleteYou have to find your own way through it. Every person is different, every manifestation of a disorder is different. You are still here, so you're not a disappointment.
ReplyDeleteFuck the numbers. You are more than the sum of calories or a clothes size or a representation of your relationship with earth's gravitational field.
I hate trying to compare myself with others. The only person you can compete against in a fair way is yourself. Everyone has different advantages and handicaps so it can't be a fair trial. Fuck it.
What scares you so much about trying to get off? Are you afraid the force will pull you back in or is it the unknown which is scarier? (Where did that spider go?!?)
"It's hard to imagine that others could like you when you don't even like yourself" THIS THIS THIS. I have no idea what you see in me, but I bloody love you to bits because you're you.
At the end of your rope, tie it around your waits and hang there and give the abyss the middle finger. Stick your tongue out too. Please no white flags yet, ok? (Unless you have flag poi and you're practising a victory dance http://youtu.be/omjqtG_r4dM Fun but noisy)
That Ruby-ness you have in the morning, keep that. The other lables, they're a part but they don't dictate the whole. Eggs and flour and sugar are parts of the cake, they make it what it is, but they don't turn it into a giant egg or pile of powdered plants. You got all the bits to your Ruby-cake there, mix them up and pwn them and make them the YOU you.
Mojito+tired=fucking weird metaphors.
Ooooooh I just noticed those new pages! Going to have to read them when I have time. I'm so sick of being busy!
I've had this song stuck in my head all day, it makes me think of how we are fighting out heads all day every day
http://youtu.be/WbN0nX61rIs
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.
Love you Ruby. Akiramenaide, ne? Isshou ni ganbarou. *Huggles*
He he, is that from the 'Big Bang theory?'
DeleteThe song that Penny sings to Sheldon
I love that show, I just started watching it recently and it's on e of the best things on tv
I love your mojito induced metaphor
I have to remember that I am more than the sum of my illness
I have a brain
I have a mind
I have more to me than feckin mental illness
Maybe if I keep repeating that I'll start to believe it
Yes tell me what you think of the knew pages
I've been meaning to do them for ages and finally got around to it
Love you too Peri
'You are the sugar in my tea, the salt in my stew'
I saw that written on a sign here in King's Cross
Gotta love those red light districts
Keep being your beautiful self x
I remember hearing the saying "fake it until you make it". If you fake a smile it is supose to make you feel better and I find that most of the time if iit works. I feel like I am acting in a play, my part being a happy put together adult, sometimes I even forget I am acting. So if you have to act and fake it, it is ok, I think everyone does sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI think so too Josie, I think everyone wears a mask of some sort at some time. I suppose it's better than falling apart.
ReplyDeleteLove x