'Who threw up in bathroom?'
I was lying on the couch pretending to be asleep
She knew exactly who threw up in the bathroom
I could sense she was slightly pissed of so I quickly excused myself to bed
I asked my mother this morning if she has said anything
She had
And then some
She complained that I had left sick on the toilet, on the sink and on the door
Traces of my latest bulimic episode
Now at this point I must say that I am not in the habit of leaving the contents of my stomach all over the bathroom
I can only think that it happened when I was washing up
How embarrassing
How disgusting
How mortifying
I wanted the ground to swallow me up
Anyway sister was pretty pissed
And I can understand that
I mean who else wants to see someone elses throw up all over their house
I sure don't
But I also felt hurt and disappointed
Disappointed that she didn't say it me and unloaded it all on to my poor mother
And hurt that she was so insensitive
If she finds it difficult to witness, imagine how hard it is for me living in the midst of it day in day out
She reads this blog
She knows what I go through
Can't she show just a little bit of compassion or empathy?
This morning things were tense
I went for an early morning walk and she was up when I came home
We went to a cafe for breakfast and things were beyond awkward
My sister finally said
'What is wrong with you?'
So I said my piece
I told her how upset I was
She said she didn't want to say it to me about the bathroom because she didn't want to embarrass me
She apologised
She felt terrible that she had upset me so much
So we built a bridge and got over it
For now
It makes me quite angry that the only thing people get upset about with bulimia is vomit
Never mind that we are killing ourselves
Never mind that we are damaging ourselves mentally and physically
Forget the fact that we could drop dead of a heart attack at any minute
Forget that we are sick
Let's concentrate on vomit
Throw up
Sick
What ever you want to call it
It's messy
It's disgusting
It's not something to discuss in polite conversation
Bit it's what I live every single day
I might be on holidays but bulimia doesn't take any days off
She has one mission
To drive me insane and then ro kill me
I have no doubt about that
I'm not in the habit of giving out about people here and I'm not giving out about my sister
I just feel so horrible being bulimic
I hate to the point of anger
Whatever about anorexia
Anorexia is passive
Bulimia is active and if you are in a room with it you can't miss it
All my siblings have expressed to me at different times that they find it difficult to be around me and that is so very hurtful
But I understand
I can't stand being around me either
I understand that witnessing my behaviours is difficult for my family
But living in the midst of them as I do everyday is nigh on impossible
I feel so low today
I couldn't feel any lower
Having my behaviours pointed out to me is a sure fire way to bring me down
It's Thursday night here
I haven't eaten in about 24 hours
And I don't want to
If I can't be bulimic in comfort I will just have to change gears in to anorexia
It feels like there is no other option
It's all or nothing
Black or white
I'm sorry
I was trying so hard to be positive at the start of a new year
But here I am
Going nowhere
Round in circles
Bulimia, anorexia, bulimia, anorexia
Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight
Recovery is a concept so very foreign at the moment
I don't even know what it means anymore
I'm slipping
But so what
Who care?
I sure don't anymore
You know, all people ever care about when you're anorexic is that you aren't eating. It's passive because we're so afraid of loosing control because everything feels so out of control. The top is smooth and the bottom is cracked. No one cares that I hate myself so much that I'll punish myself by not enjoying life. Eating is so central in life and I have to avoid eating out with friend /family because I'm terrified of what people will think when they see me eat, of my body and choices, I worry about gaining even an ounce, and I have to pretend I don't ache inside. When I do show it, when I'm about to break, they don't take it seriously or they think it's out of place and too much. You can't win with either type of disorder and no one seems to understand that if they think they can't deal with us, try BEING us. I'm thinking of you dear amd sending hugs. It doesn't seem to be a good night for many of my blog friends or I. :(
ReplyDelete<3
Thanks Eve, I appreciate your honesty
ReplyDeleteI have the same fears as you
I live and breathe them every single day
I also don't seem to be able to live a normal life and just be me
It's exhausting
It's draining
I don't know what to do anymore
Thinking of you too x
I don't either.. I'm so hungry right now but I can't eat. I'm so upset but I can't cry. I want a friend to call me or to wake someone or bf up but I can't. It's all about can'ts while you try to pursue the cans. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. My mind is exhausted. Being me us exhausting..
DeleteIt is Eve
DeleteI feel that way too
I want to scream but nothing comes out
I want to cry but I'm too numb to feel anything
I just hold on to the hope that there is a reason for all this
And maybe, just maybe that reason will become apparent to time
Hang in there x
I couldn't do it, have people know and be aware of my behaviors. I don't know how you manage it but I think it is incredibly brave of you.
ReplyDeleteI wish people could better understand, especially for loved ones sake. But I think the only way is to experience it, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I'm sorry you are not doing well, you aren't alone I completely understand.
Be kind to yourself, all my strength to you xx
Thank you Melrose for your kind words
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's a good thing in a way that my family talk about things so openly and it also makes for lots of cringe worthy conversations
I hate that people know that I am anorexic/bulimic
I hate that I can't hide it
I can't hide because a lot of the time I'm not aware of it
I will try to be kind to myself
You do the same lovely x
"But living in the midst of them as I do everyday is nigh on impossible" Urg I know how you feel, I can't wait to escape my lot and go back to my own house and my own routine. I too would be mortified if some one discovered the contents of my last purge all over the bathroom. I am glad you and your sister cleared the air though x
ReplyDeleteThankfully we were able to Kate and we actually ended up having a lovely and a really good chat this evening x
DeleteHun, I hope your sister starts to understand. Lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Lucie x
DeleteI feel the Same, chewing and spitting is embarrassing - living with it is complete shit. I am feeling none too positive about things too.. It feels like its the same shit just a different year :/ x
ReplyDeleteOh Rayya I am sorry that you can relate
DeleteI'm clinging on to the small shred of hope that I've got left
Hang in there sweetie x
I used to suffer from anorexia then I went to bulimia. I understand the compulsion and fixation with the power that can come with controlling that aspect of life. I never went into a treatment facility for it but rather a rehab and when all freedoms were taken away I clung to food but I then refused to throw up any more because I wanted to live without the obsession and was afraid of being caught purging plus I couldn't eat the massive amounts it took to purge fully. It sucked. Then I went on a missions trip and saw starving kids and it hit me. I take for granted the fact that I can even eat food. It broke me at that point and I resolved to try and get a grip on the ED. Geesh IDK why I am saying all this but I just wanted to say I feel for you and there is hope. I am overweight now but it is due to many things like medicine, PCOS, etc. I do not miss the chest pains that came with purging. I am wishing the best for all who are suffering.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this
ReplyDeleteI had anorexia first too and it then morphed in to bulimia
A lot of us start out anorexic and then become bulimic
I think as we get older our bodies refuse to let us starve and it's also harder to lose weight
I have a fear of getting PCOS, mainly because of the weight gain
Is it hard dealing with it?
My highest weight was 130lbs and I could barely look at myself in the mirror even though I was not overweight for my height, I have a small frame so any extra weight really stands out
I wish you all the best x
I've had PCOS since I was a teen with cysts rupturing occasionally (not a good time). So I was put on birth control and that controls the growth of the cysts. Now I am not on birth control because I want to get pregnant so I have to take Metformin to keep my ovaries functioning and producing eggs. On the plus side the Metformin has regulated the insulin imbalance caused by PCOS which is helping me naturally lose weight. (Sorry this is so long)
DeleteBut yes it is difficult to deal with but not so hard that I don't have hope. Never lose hope when facing any illness because girl, so long as there is breath in your body you can fight anything! I really so believe that. Oh and at my smallest I was 128 lbs. I am 5'8" and a very curvy woman so 160 looks perfect on me. At least that's when I had the most boyfriends...lol. But now I have my fiance and he loves me no matter what my weight. He just wants me around long enough to grow old with. Life is good (((big hug to you)))
Wow, you have such a positive attitude and I love that!
DeleteI hate being so body and weight conscious
I would love to just be free to accept my body whatever the scale says
Weighing myself can truly ruin my day
The number dictates my mood, self worth and self esteem
So sad
I'm glad you are able to control the PCOS
I hope you get your wish and become pregnant too
You are so right, there is always hope
I just seem to have lost my way in the tunnel and can't quite see the light at the end
Stay well x
What a 180 from your last posts :( Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, please don't lose hope. I know that you are very sick and that people don't seem to be able to understand you, but you don't have to be sick forever, even if it sometimes seems like you must. You're not going to get magically cured while you're visiting your sister in Australia, but you already told us that you've been able to see what kind of life someone can lead without an eating disorder and how much you'd love to have that. Don't give up hope. I pray for you so hard that you will be able to take even a small step forward soon.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up, please. Even when it's really hard, don't give up, keep fighting.
I don't know what else to say :( Ugh I just want to hug you!!!!
P.S. I think that I am going to try and spend a few months in France this summer (I need a complete break from life to really process the death of my friend, I think) and I would love to come meet you if you'd have me.
I know it's a complete turn around from my last post
DeleteSometimes I think I am fooling myself trying to be positive but I do try
These posts are a reflection of my state of mind
Up and down
High and low
Bouncing off the walls
But I am clinging on to a small shred of hope
I'm trying so hard
That's great you are going to France
I'm sure Pauline's death greatly affected you and you need time and space to process that
And yes, I would love to meet you
I am in Ireland so maybe meet there or halfway between us
Thank you for this comment and your concern
Take care x
That would be pretty awful. Once I accidentally left some splurge on the inside of the toilet cover and my dad, instead of telling me I needed help, told me to clean it up so that my mother wouldn't think I had bulimia. I cleaned it, marvelling at the fact that he just wanted to hide the fact that I was suffering from exactly what he though, especially when I'd already told him I had an eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteI think people get annoyed at us because we're so consumed with our diseases it's hard to focus on other people. it's also hard to watch people destroy themselves and not be able to do anything about it.
I send hugs your way, Ruby. I'm glad you built a bridge with your sister. Someday this will all get better. Things like this won't happen. Our families will love us and never be annoyed that we left particles of throwup on their carpets.
That is very sad Emily
DeleteI think our families slip in to denial, like we do sometimes
My family talk about most things quiet openly most of the time
But it's still really embarrassing and cringe worthy for us
We need to be treated with compassion and empathy
It's hard enough for us as it is
Mental health, even in this day and age is still a taboo subject
People like to pretend that it's not there
But it is and we need to talk about it
Thanks Emily x
Wow sweetie, words can not express how sad I feel for you. I know how embarassing it can be when people know you were in there vomitting. I've backed up the toilet before, especially with ice cream, and it was the first night I was meeting my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend. I was mortified. And living in the cycle of anorexia and bulimia is a terrible thing. That's where I live. I am an "anorexic-purge type bulimic" as they put it. I'm sorry that people are so insensitive to your situation. But you have a whole community here that knows exactly what you are going through. We've got your back darlin. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thank you so much Katie
DeleteI don't know what I would so without you girls
I don't know How I ever managed without the support of this community
We are blesses to have each other
I've done that too with the toilet
It's so mortifying
Bulimia is a messy subject and people just don't like to acknowledge
But we have to if we are going to beat this
Love to you dear Katie x
I'm so sorry that you're felling so low today :( I wish bulimia would take a holiday far away from you so that you could be left in peace to enjoy your own holiday. But I understand how incessantly relentless EDs are.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about people getting so annoyed about bulimia. All my parents used to worry about was the fact that I was wasting their money by throwing up/throwing away all the food they served me. Which made me worse.
I know you said you don't care any more (I feel the same about myself) but so many people care for you, and hate the thought of you suffering. I hope tomorrow brings you more strength and happiness. Much love xxx
Thank you sweetie for your kind words
ReplyDeleteThey mean more than you know
Things are much better today
After we had a chat yesterday and cleared the air we were able to move on, thankfully
Much love to you too x
Oh man, that sucks!
ReplyDeleteHer assumption that you were 'doing much better' since you increased your mass/made yourself more easily huggable (Coz seriously I don't want to cut my wrists on you by accident or break you when I flying tackle-hug you) ran a lot deeper than either of you realised.
I'm glad you were able to have a natter and sort things out. Fuck I wish my siblings were that mature!
I think people are more grossed out by bulimia because it's not as 'refined' or 'delicate' as simply refusing food. You are willing to do more immediate and vicious acts of violence to yourself and face the messy gut-contents.
It's because people focus on the vomit that they miss the fact that bulimia is more immediately lethal than anorexia. They don't seem to realise that any purge could be your last due to gastric rupture or heart attack. It's like huffing; if it doesn't kill you the first time then it's only a matter of time before it does.
Yup it's hard to live with as an observer but it's a fucking nightmare to be trapped on the inside with it. if you've never had anything like it you'll never really understand it.
Even baby steps are good progress. Find what works for you, ok? Shit days happen, and so do good ones. Use the memory of good ones to ride out the bad ones when they happen. I hope you can make some more good memories for the rest of the holidays. Do you have any safe foods any more that you can nibble to keep you going? Fuck I saw the projected heatwave on the news, I hope you can do fruit and iceblocks and stuff to keep cool and hydrated! 40*c? FUCK THAT SHIT!!
Even slow progress is better than no progress. Don't give up on yourself. I FORBID GIVING UP ON YOURSELF! FORBID IT I SAY!!!1!
Lol we're weird not cute :p Fucking hell those cockatoos sound scary! When Mum and I went over it was so weird to see kookaburras trying to steal Mum's burger and flocks of parrots casually feeding on the side of the road. Totally trippy!
Thank you for your awesome words. I'm going to take the resumption of contact with a grain of salt and see how things go. Told her about my emergency psych services trip in April and she told me about being hospitalised for 3 months because of a manic phase followed by a severe depression. Ouch! At least we're both getting treatment now, I guess.
Right back at you, love:
http://youtu.be/9x50fVVzUI0
Kia kaha, Ruby. Stay strong and keep cool over there <3
Thank you Peri, you are a shining star in a black sky
DeleteIt's true anorexia is thought of as delicate and dainty
Bulimia has bad reputation
It's ugly
It's messy
It's a violent act against ourselves
No one likes to talk about sick
It's just not polite
But we have to talk about it if we're going to get over it
My dad is so funny
If I ever eat with him (rarely) afterwards he says 'no sit there for 20 minutes, keep that in your stomach'
I'm not giving up yet Peri
There is still some fight left in me
Stay well
Keep being your beautiful self
Love you x
A lot of people care, everyone reading your blog cares. I care.. you're such a wonderful, loving person..I'm so sorry that happened to you. I personally think your sister should have talked to you first since I assume she knew who was it. Ok, she was pissed, but she knows what you're going through and more important she knows your complete history...could have been at least a little more sensitive, you see each other so little.. why waste time with stuff like that. But at least she did apologize to you..and I know you will work things out.
ReplyDeleteThings like that happen to most bulimics, and no one who hasn't experienced it can understand..The pain, the fear, struggle..the mind games your brain is performing with every bite you take..vomit is only 1% of bulimia, the scary parts are invisible to everyone around us..and that is the saddest part of it. If people could only once see what is going on inside of you..they would understand and feel like we feel...horrible.
Stay strong Ruby, its a hard path you have to walk, but NEVER give up on hope that one day you could wake up and things will starting to get better with every step you take. Recovery might not be in sight, but it might surprise you when you don't even expect it...
xxxxx
Thank you so much Lara for this lovely comment
DeleteIt truly made my day
Bulimia is the more invisible one out the two
Anorexia is plain to see but bulimia, you might not ever know someone had it unless they told you
I think that's why it's so hard
People don't know the half of what we go through
They presume that we are ok but that couldn't be further from the truth
And no one wants to acknowledge or talk about throwing up
It's just not the done thing
I'm holding on to a small sliver of hope Lara
There has to be hope other wise what's the point
Take care dearest x
Awwwww *hugs* I am a little late and getting back into the blogging but this really tugged at my heart strings.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was there. I felt sad and then mad and then sad again. It was nuts. I have grown into a different person over the past 2 years and I now handle things differently. I only say that because I couldn't believe how your sister outed you and she already knew it was you.
I know this is hard for you and your family so who am I one to judge or tell someone how to react. All I know is you are still here. Still fighting for life without ana or mia but it is so hard. I love that you are still fighting, that you are still here. Sorry if I offend that was not my intention.
*hugs*
You didn't offend at all Winter
ReplyDeleteIt's lovely to hear from you
I hope you stick around x
That was such a strong post. It nearly made me cry. I hate that all people seem to relate bulimia to is the sick. My friends in the past have made it clear they think bulimia is disgusting (they have no idea that I was diagnosed with bulimia a few months ago) and because of their narrow minded attitudes towards bulimia they probably never will be told.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it was your own family who were so insensitive about it. That must have been difficult.
Also I'm so sorry I've been so bad at commenting lately, I'm finally catching up on blogs. Thank you so much for all your comments on my posts recently. You're such a wonderful friend.
Take care.