Anorexic?

I saw Mary this morning
I was dreading the inevitable weigh in
The first thing she always says to me is 'Shall we get the weigh in out of the way?'
I had planned to refuse to be weighed but curiosity always gets the better of me, even if it did kill the cat
I removed my coat and boots and hat
Carefully stepped on to the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
I lost weight
Enough to give me a little high
A feeling of satisfaction
Of relief
Having not been weighed in 5 weeks I feared the worst
A big fat gain
And in my frame of mind that would've been enough to tip me right over the edge
Thankfully that didn't happen
But of course a loss is triggering
It makes me want to lose more
And more



The strange thing is that I still question whether I have an eating disorder
I have no doubt that I am bulimic but I don't know if I am anorexic
If I am sick
It's one of the things that stops me from going back in to treatment
The fact that I think I'm not thin enough
But saying that I still felt I wasn't thin enough at 77lbs
I have to keep reminding myself that it is a mental illness and it's not about the number



Mary and I spoke at length about the negatives and positives of holding on to my eating disorder
Of course there are a lot of negatives but there are also positives
There has to be or else we wouldn't continue on this path
For me the positives are that it keeps me numb
I don't have to feel
I don't have to grow up
I don't have to face up to responsibility
I don't have to take the risk of failing because I don't try
I don't have to experience any negatives of life
I don't live in reality
I live in this strange bubble that is my eating disorder
Some comments on my last post suggested that staying in my eating disorder is the easy path
That it takes more courage and strength to choose life
I wasn't sure about this at first
I wasn't sure which was harder, living life or living like this
Living life means taking risks
Putting yourself out there
There is a possibility that I will fail
Fall
There is a possibility that some people won't like me
That I will face rejection
I guess my thinking has been if I don't try then I don't have to face these things
They say we don't regret the things we did, we regret the things we didn't do
I don't want to end up bitter
Cursing myself for the things I didn't do



There is a huge part of me that wants to go one more round with anorexia
To go as low as I can
To reach a new low weight
To tempt fate
Just once more
But of course I used to say that about drugs
Just one more time
Once more and that's it
Unfortunately addiction doesn't work that way
It's not that simple
One turns in to two, turns in to three, turns in to four........
And before you know it your up to your neck in your illness again
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Then there is the other more rational part of me
The part that wants to get well
The last 12 years have been all about my eating disorder an addiction
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just accept it's over and move on?
This love affair I've had with anorexia is over
We are like an old married couple
Desperately unhappy but too afraid to do anything about it
Comfortable to live this half life
I need to end this relationship
It's long past it's sell by date
It's rancid
Sour
I've lost too much to this illness
I'm willing to lose any more
So I guess I am trying to pluck up the courage to fight
To fight for my life
My sanity
Anorexia may have won battles in the past but she won't win the war
She can't
She just can't



Do you think it's harder to stay in your eating disorder or to choose life?