I seem to have lost the ability to string a coherent sentence together
So instead I will try to say how I'm feeling with words
Afraid
Stuck
Paralysed
Lost
Anxious
Depressed
Suicidal
On the edge
Hopeless
Helpless
Crumbling
Terrified
Falling apart
Slipping
Cracking
Breaking
Drowning
Falling
Insane
Lonely
Crazy
Isolated
Sad
Numb
Scared
Apprehensive
Trapped
I just want this to stop
I want to pull the emergency cord and get off this God for saken train
It's heading for disaster and I'm driving it
I woke up this morning and had this awful feeling that something terrible was going to happen
I struggled to find reasons to get out of bed
To find reasons to go on
I got a lot of comments on my last post suggesting that I go back in to treatment
I am seriously considering it
I just don't know what else to do
Or where to turn
I'm so tired I can't even put on the pretence that I'm ok
I'm abusing my meds again
After doing well for a while I've slipped back
I take them as they're the only relief I get from my eating disorder
I feel like something has snapped in my mind
Like I've crossed over in to crazy
The line between dreams and reality is blurred
I don't know what's real and what's not
I don't even know if I'm real
This all feels like a dream
Or rather a nightmare
A never ending nightmare
I feel like I'm lost in a maze
Constantly running in to dead ends
Can't find the way out
Going round and around in circles
It's exhausting
Draining
It's tempting just to lie down and give up
Please don't lie down and just give up.. If you think treatment can offer you something perhaps try? I feel where you are right now and feel like I'm spiralling towards an abyss arms outstretched welcoming the end but we can't do that.. We are stronger than we know darling..
ReplyDeleteLove you so much know that I am here always..
Xx
Thank you Rayya for your kind words
ReplyDeleteI know you are struggling too and I just hope and pray that both of us get through this, we have to
It's a choice between life and death but I seem to be stuck in the middle
Love you too sweetheart x
I'm sorry that you feel like you're living in a nightmare. That's how I feel too. I know that going back to treatment sounds scary, at least I know it does for me too. But I think if you feel like giving up, then what do you have to lose if you do go back? I think it would be good for you. You are so strong and have been through so much, I know you can make it through. Lots of love dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thanks Katie, I am seriously considering it
ReplyDeleteI just have to pluck up the courage to ring them, the last time it took me a year
Lots of love to you too x
Hey hon. I just finished reading Wasted. And I found the Afterword very interesting. It's not all smiles and rainbows obviously, but I was fascinated to see how she went from almost a kamikaze mission towards death, to coming up, publishing a book, and although she mentioned at one point that she didn't think she would live long, she's now 38 and still going. There are a few points I really love. "I know for a fact that sickness is easier. But health is more interesting." I guess my take on this..not to sound blunt, but it's easy and romantic and dreamy to kick it now and give up and call it a tragedy. But it's a plot twist if you take the tougher path than the easy one.
ReplyDeleteAnother one I really like is "There is no 'cure.' A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself." This is a full, self sufficient disorder. It comes from the self, attacks the self, both thrives and puts down the self. But it can be stopped by the self too. Wow that sounds philosophical, but really. I find it heinous that people blame or acclaim outside forces to be the cause or cure. Yes, they can all help and make it easier, but ultimately, it's up to the person. just as with any sickness or disease or addiction.
We can sit here and type all the emails and comments of encouragement. And I'm sure they help to read. We can send all the love and support your way. But I think you have to find that part in you, no matter how tiny, that accepts that love and uses it. I know you have that in you, and I think you want to take the more challenging interesting route. Lying down is too easy for you. At least that's what I hope.
Sorry this was some odd lecture/literary analysis/if it came across as harsh. But as always, I love you hon and take care. <3
It's not harsh at all
DeleteWhat you wrote is the truth
I agree, it is all too easy to give up
Living is more of a challenge
Living takes courage
I also agree that no one can help me except myself
I have a supportive family and if love could get me well I would've gotten well a long time ago
The thing is I know what I need to do, I'm just so very scared of taking that leap of faith
I know my family is frustrated and maybe people reading this are too, hell I frustrate myself
I haven't read Wasted in a long time but I might just pick it up again
Thanks for your concern and telling it like it is, I appreciate it
Love you too x
I guess what's scarier...spending the next few years like this in an endless cycle, or taking back your life?
DeleteNo question, staying like this is a lot scarier x
DeleteAw Ruby! I wish I could give you the biggest hug. Using your meds isn't going to make it better and I know you know that. Don't add that addiction back into the equation. I know what you're feeling. I'm always teetering on my emotional edge and it's such a precarious place to be.
ReplyDeleteLots of love. I'm thinking of you. Hold on.
<3
Thanks Eve
DeleteI know abusing my meds is not the answer, it's just a temporary break from my eating disorder
Next week I'll be handing over my meds to my mother, just to take the temptation away
Love to you x
Oh sweetie, I'm so worried about you. Is it long until you see Mary? I'm sorry I don't have helpful words but please know you're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't worry about not sending comments - I'm sucking at commenting & posting too recently.
All my love to you dearest Ruby <3 xxxx
Yes Bella, I'm seeing Mary tomorrow so hopefully that will help
DeleteSending you lots of love
Take care of you x
I always say go back into treatment so you know what I think about that XD
ReplyDeletebut more importantly I want to tell you that there is hope. You've said it, we've all said it. The only place to go is up. You're not dead, you're still together, you haven't drowned yet. There's still time to turn it around.
When you feel depressed anything good seems out of the realm of possibility. Keep telling yourself what you've told yourself so many times before- keep going. Keep pulling yourself out of that hole.
I'm trying Emily, I won't give up just yet x
DeleteI know what you mean about giving up. It gets hard trying to be happy and do the right thing and yet nothing seems to go right. I know you are going to keep trying as I will keep trying as well.
ReplyDeleteI will keep trying Winter and you do too x
DeleteOh no :[ I'm so sad to come back and see that you've took a turn for the worst! You've always been a huge inspiration to me and I really wish you the best. Day to day can change so much. Please read the poem "Instead of Killing Yourself" by Derrick C. Brown. It's really inspirational to me when I'm feeling the way your are.
ReplyDeletePlease take care<3
Sorry Clytie, I feel like I'm letting everyone down
DeleteI'm trying to pick myself up
I'm going to see Mary now so hopefully that will help x
Power hug to you Ruby, giving up is too easy while you still breathe. Take a break and rest but don't give up, you still got places to go and thing to see and life is interesting, so let's keep exploring it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll feel better after you see Marry!
<3
Thank you Tatyana x
DeletePlease don't give up.
ReplyDeleteIf treatment would help, GO.
They may be able to show you the exit from the maze. You're like Homura, stuck in the eternal maze seeking the only exit. It was Madoka who found it and showed it to her.
http://animefreak.tv/watch/mahou-shoujo-madoka-magica-online
Love you so much. Sending you a ton of hugs and all the strength I have left.
Arohanui <3
Thank you dear Peri
DeleteNo I'm not giving up just yet, I have to give it one more shot
Love you always x
dont give up, dear. your soul is much too beautiful. but i wish i could say i didnt understand and ask you why, because the words on this page reflect my own thoughts of myself.
ReplyDeletei hope you find peace and strength and happiness.
youre lovely. <3
Thank you Sofia
ReplyDeleteYou are lovely too x