Back to cold, cold Ireland
I have to admit even though it's freezing it's a relief to get back in to jeans and jumpers
If I never have to get my arms and legs out again it will be too soon
I'm weary from jet lag but I'm kind of enjoying the sleep deprivation
At least I'm feeling something
I've been feeling strange since I came home
I don't know quiet know how to explain it
It's like I'm scared
I have a sense of impending doom
Like something terrible is about to happen
Everything is so overwhelming
From having a shower to leaving the house
Everything is too much
I'm still restricting
It's not good but I can't stop
I'm so afraid of where this is going
I'm literally paralysed with fear
I've thought long and hard about disappearing
Going over it in my head again and again
Trying to find an answer
I'm just so confused
Anxiety and depression are creeping in
I just don't know where to go from here
I want to crawl in to bed and never get up
Maybe I'm just not cut out for life
I'm not robust enough
My mental state is so fragile
Constantly on the verge of tears
Constantly about to break down
I can't handle reality
I can't handle life
I fear for my sanity
I really do
I'm terrified that my mind is breaking
Or that is already has broken
Am I going insane?
Is this what crazy is?
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to fix this
I keep getting sucked back in to this illness
It just won't loosen it's grip on me
And I just don't have the strength to fight anymore
I think back over the last month and I'm not even sure how I got through it
There were days when I thought that I was cracking up
Days I thought would never end
I tried to enjoy myself and I did at times
But my eating disorder was always in the background
Lurking in the shadows
Ready to ruin it all
And it very nearly did
I have to do something about this before it's too late
Something has to change
I'm just going round and around in circles
Have been for years
It's tempting just to give up
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But I have to try just one last time
I owe myself and my family that much
I feel like such a burden on them
Emotionally
Financially
I'm like a child that never grew up
I'm sure they're frustrated
I'm sure they're sick of all this
I know I am
I just want to give them some peace of mind
I want them not to worry
I want to be able to look after myself without their help
I want to be independent
But my eating disorder keeps me in this child like state
This twilight
This needs to end one way or the other
Or I truly will lose the plot
The last week of my trip I prayed every morning for help to get me through the day
I just didn't know what else to do
Have any of you been in a similar situation?
Do you have any suggestions or advice?
You are not alone, these very things are currently running through my mind.
ReplyDeleteNever stop trying, no matter how many times you fall. Get in contact with someone, even if it's just through blogging.
My dear Ruby this is not the end and giving in is so not worth it. It's going to be ok you know that? It really will be but we have to put in the extra effort through the most difficult times. And you don't have to do that alone either. You can make it through, hang in there even if it's just by a thread.
Sending you all my strength, love, and a hug xx
Thank you dear Melrose
DeleteI just hope and pray that things turn out ok
They have to
I know you are going through a tough time too and I hope you're ok
I'm seeing Mary this week so I know that will help
Sending you love too x
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteyes, i know exactly how you feel. i go through spurts (sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes a couple of weeks if i'm lucky) where i feel like i'm managing to get on top of things, where i feel like despite my various mental issues i can create somewhat of a meaningful existence...and then before i know it this ray of light slips right through my fingers and i'm back to feeling god damn awful.
i so desperately want to be 'recovered' but i know that will probably never be. a lot of the time i feel like maybe i wasn't cut out for life either, and it's horribly depressing.
sorry i know none of that is probably any help, but sometimes it's comforting to know that you aren't alone. i'm glad you returned back home safe and sound xx
It does help Nostalgia, more than you know
DeleteJust knowing that someone is there reading helps so much
It breaks my heart that so many of us are struggling
But we have each other and that's amazing
I hope things improve for you
Stay strong x
Pretty much describes my last few years. Not just struggling with my ED, but life in general, I gave up so many times, only to stand up again and only to be defeated again. It seems so hopeless most of the time. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm looking for it myself...I'm so afraid of everything, people..situations but mostly life in general..the only thing I'm good at is hiding it all from the people close to me..
ReplyDeleteYou're not a burden to your family, they love you and will always be there for you..they only wish for you to be happy and healthy..and successful in life..which I hope all of this you will be soon or one day..actually I'm sure you will..stay strong and welcome back to cold Europe :)
Thanks Lara, it's good to know that I'm not alone x
DeleteIt sounds like your mentally preparing yourself for treatment. I think doing just that is a good idea- just keep thinking about things and where you want to go, where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteAnd then decide what you can do for yourself.
Nothing bad will happen to you. Not unless you let it, and you're strong. You won't.
I have been thinking about it Emily, it's the only option that I have left, I might ring them this week x
DeleteI agree with Emily. Maybe it's time to give treatment a try and see if it could help. Finally get your life back and be happy. To not be constatntly controlled by your ed. You will need your family's help in everything, but in the end, maybe you all will be a bit happier.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I think it's something I have to do Emily, I can't go on like this x
DeleteBefore I read the comments, I was tthinking "Maybe this is the right time to say you can't do this alone." I'm not suggesting to throw yourself into a hospital tomorrow, but maybe it's time to talk, to get opinions and options. Maybe even just your mum, who it seems like she's been there through it all and probably wouldn't be anything but happy. I mean, you said that in previous treatments, you prayed a lot, but now you aren't a very religious person. Maybe the praying, the reaching out...idk, it's something. Just mull it over, try to assess things, think it through.
ReplyDeleteI love you hon, take care.
Thanks sweetheart, I will definitely talk it over with my mother this week and see what she thinks x
DeleteI'm glad you wrote because I've been worried and nearly messaged you.
ReplyDeleteOkay take a deep breath. You're definitely not aline. The first week back to college I knew something was coming. I even told my best friend I thought I was going to end up in counseling or treatment. Mistakes haunt me and then paralyze me. I lay in bed thinking about them and then they greet me as I wake up. Everyone is moving on in life and I feel frozen. I feel like I have the emotional regulation of a child. Tgese days I beg God for tge ability to forgive myself for my mistakes, healing in my relationships, and overall healing in my life. Nothing is quick. There's no quick fix and the pain doesn't ease initially. I don't know what you're spiritual beliefs are but I know I personally ask God to show me pieces at a time and help me as they come. I just need to have faith. Talking to Him or whichever you believe in helps too. Even do it verbally, write it out. Cry sometimes. Let the poison out. You are loved and you're in my prayers. If you weren't here the world would be robbed of another piece of beauty. Hugs
<3
Thanks Eve for your kind words, something has to change before I go insane, even getting out of bed this morning was a struggle x
DeleteI just want to hug you so bad right now.
ReplyDeleteI've never been in the exact situation you are now, so I don't know what to say.
When I get really down I don't know what I do. Hold on simply because I don't know how to do anything else? Distract my mind with something complicated and completely unrelated to what is fucking me up? Fuck, no idea.
If you have support networks, use them. Use the hell out of them. Tell them exactly how bad shit is and ask for help. Please. Life doesn't have to be this hell we're living in, but sometimes it has to become completely unbearable before we are willing to leave the safety of it's familiarity and face the scary unknown outside that leads to better things.
I'm so scared of losing you. Please don't give up Ruby. You're an amazing, thoughtful, caring person and the world would be a shitty place without you.
Kia kaha, don't give up. PLEASE don't give up. Better days are coming. They have to be. *huggles*
Thank you Peri for your unwavering support
DeleteSorry I've been so bad at commenting lately, I just haven't had the energy to string a sentence together
I won't give up just yet, I will give it one more shot
I'm seeing Mary this week so hopefully that will help
I'll let you know how it goes
Love you dear Peri, hope you're ok x
Sending hugs! Stay strong my lovely!
ReplyDeletex
Thanks Jane, hugs to you too x
DeleteHey Ruby. Glad to see you made it back home safely. I so hate the cold.
ReplyDeleteI see you are feeling a bit better. I can tell you are trying to make sense of how you are feeling and what is going on. I know you want to know what is wrong and try to fix it if you can.
I know this may sound weird but maybe this restricting if helping you think a bit. Maybe that is why you are still doing it. I know you don't want to go back into the binge purge cycle and lost track of your thoughts. I think....I think.
I love how you are trying to improve everyday. Sometimes I know it doesn't seem like it but you are.
Hey I have days like that sometimes where I want to do nothing but sleep. I did, this past saturday. I finally got a saturday off at my job( which is rare ) and I spent it sleeping because I felt like shit. Didn't help that hubby was ignoring me for eating fast food. Ahhhhh good times.
Keep fight ruby. One day at a time.
Thanks Winter x
ReplyDeleteMy advice is simple call Mary. Tell her everything and form a game plan. I don't the options you have in Ireland but she will. Things only get worse until we make them better, you can do make it better. Let's be honest living in misery is just to exhausting. We need to live a life instead.
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing Mary on Friday so hopefully she can help x
DeleteOh darling.. You are strong enough, I had a dream.. That you went inpatient. I was smiling as you walked away from me also smiling and you seemed so positive and full of hope.. I wish I could somehow get rid of that doom cloud towering over you as you so deserve happiness and peace from this disease.. You are amazing and you must never forget it. Everyday you are honest you are fighting. You are stronger than you think :)
ReplyDeleteLove you loads xx
Thank you sweetheart, I hope that dream comes true
DeleteI hope you're ok, I know you are struggling too
All my love x
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ReplyDeleteI know that feeling ruby, I know it far too well, in my case it extends to online/virtual communication, which makes it even worse. (Having had a colloquial subjunctive on my blog rudely corrected by a German commenter who is not even able to use her own language correctly did not help much… au contraire!) You should be very proud of yourself that you manage to write here. I know how hard EVERYTHING becomes in this state. It will be better in summer, hun, I promise. You are a fighter, and don’t forget: a failure is who does not try. And you try so hard…you simply have to get better one day!
ReplyDeletelove,
L.
True Loulou, everything is such a struggle these days, I'm hanging on by my fingertips
ReplyDeleteHope you are ok x