The crying continued for about 4 days straight
Anything and everything made me cry including a nature programme we were watching one evening
I continued to restrict all last week, dragging my weary body around Sydney
But then yesterday we were going on a 2 and a half hour bush walk so I made myself eat something
And I really had to make myself
Interestingly the crying stopped once I had food in my body
It was literally crying out for food
I haven't purged in almost a week
This would be a good thing if I were eating properly
Purging is a tricky business is someone elses house
And there are 4 of us here in a small two bedroomed house so the risk is just not worth it
I don't miss it at all
Not one little bit
Binging and purging is not an option when you have an audience
I think one of the things that may have contributed to my fragile state last week was my choice of reading material
I picked up a book called 'An apple a day' by Emma Woolf
Yet another eating disorder memoir
Emma Woolf is Virginia Woolf's great niece and wrote this book just as she was embarking on her journey to recovery
I could relate to her a lot
Her eating disorder developed at 19
So did mine
10 years later she is trying to recover
So am I
I cried my way through this book
For her and for me
But the thing I couldn't relate to was that she had managed to accomplish so much in her life
She managed to get through college (Oxford)
She had a lucrative career in publishing and she had a loving long term partner
I can only imagine what that's like
I suppose I have to remind myself that I've also had drug addiction to contend with
Which turns your life upside down and inside out
At the end of the book Emma had made great progress
She was weight restored
Eating a wide range of foods
And was trying for a baby
Although I enjoyed the book I was probably not in the best frame of mind to read it
These memoirs make for tough reading and you really do need to be in a good place
So it's Monday today here in Australia and I plan on doing very little
I also feel a little relieved as I don't have to eat either
Is it wrong that I like that?
I don't know if I've lost weight
I still feel fat
I haven't weighed myself since I left a month ago but Mary will be weighing me next week
I'm dreading that beyond belief
Going home is bittersweet
I will miss my sister but it will be nice to be home
To get back to normal
To have my supports
And I do need them
My eating disorder made this trip very difficult
It tried time after time to ruin it
And it almost succeeded
It whispered in my ear
It tried to break me down
It sapped my energy
But I kept going
I got through it
Just about
Ruby, you have such a beautiful heart. So empathetic. I truly wish I could give you the biggest hug! I started to tear up over a commercial that was a little cheesy and sweet. um yah, what? Your emotions and food are so related. Please tell me you'll take a multivitamin? It really does help. I'm sorry that it ruined the trip a bit. Hold on to what is good about it and let go of the bad dear.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a great book and I'll have to check it out over spring break.
You ARE beautiful and you ARE loved. Like you tell me, be good to you okay? I'm here.
<3
Thanks Eve, you are too sweet
ReplyDeleteYou are loved too x
Oh huni.. As always I am here if ever you should need me.. I wish I could convince you that you have the potential to accomplish and achieve anything you wish.. You are amazing and I love you x
ReplyDeleteThanks Rayya darling, I love you too x
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it's been a month already. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it's been for you to be surrounded by people away from your comfort zone. Your eating disorder must be so loud. That book does sound like a good one. It's always hard for me to read the ends when they are happy and successful, just like it was for you. Keep your head up hun.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I know, me too Katie, this month has gone quickly but I'm ready to go home, to see my dogs, my family, my house, Mary, my friends
ReplyDeleteI've done so much this month, faced a lot of fears
It's been more than tough but I'm so glad I did it
It makes me think that maybe I can do things, live a life beyond my eating disorder
I guess we'll see when I get home
Thanks love x
i always tend to eat less when im in someone elses presence, its kinda the only upside to a roommates judgements. haha.
ReplyDeletegood luck at home, and with your weigh-in!
stay lovely. <3
Thanks Sofia x
ReplyDeleteMemiors are an emoitional gamble I agree! I read a book in one night that had me balling my eyes out, which is tough but what made it worse was the fact that I was reading it while in the hospital emergancy room watching a patient. Opps! But the those books always remind me there is hope, just remember that.
ReplyDeleteTrue Josie but I can't seem to stop reading them
DeleteI guess I'm just hoping for a happy ending to give me hope x
Been a long time since I've read your posts :( and I've missed them. Hope you are doing ok Ruby <3
ReplyDeleteLovely to hear from you Destiny, hope you're ok too x
Deletei often find those memoirs more triggering than helpful, but i love them. thats interesting that shes related to virginia, makes me want to read it more somehow, ive seen it in waterstones but never buy it. i love hornbachers wasted most tho!! sorry to hear you are struggling this much, try and be honest in your appts next week starshine, write a note if u feel overwhelmed, ive just written one for my gp xxxx
ReplyDeleteI do too Nina, especially if they mention weights a lot
DeleteI've read a lot of memoirs and I love 'Wasted' too although I find it very triggering
I also love Wintergirls'
I will be glad to see Mary next week, I've missed her x
I do too Nina, especially if they mention weights and numbers
DeleteI love 'wasted' too although I do find it very triggering
I also love 'Wintergirls'
I'm looking forward to seeing Mary next week, I've missed her
Hope you're ok x
i love Ride too, and American and all those newer releases. i love lana in general :-) if u ever have any other suggestions of songs u love throw them my way cos we have a really similar music taste and id love to kno who u like to listen to xxxx
DeleteWill do sweetie x
DeleteYay for not binging or purging! I know it comes at a cost, but without binging or purging life is so much better. I'll have to pick up that book. I love eating disorder books. They are kind of triggering but they can be really powerful.
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily, I'm trying to eat a little more and I'm going to make a huge effort not to purge, I don't miss it at all x
DeleteKeep going, you have shown such strength throughout your journey, despite how horrendously difficult it must have been. I know you can keep going, and we are all here to support you too Xx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely although I don't know about strength, I've almost crumbled here a few times
DeleteThank you for your support, it means the world to me x
That book sounds really interesting! I'll have to look for it.
ReplyDeleteI think I would drive myself crazy if I didn't weigh myself for a month! Its ridiculous how that one number somehow either validates behavior or just sends a person into a spiraling depression.. At least, that's kinda how it works for me! Hah!
Stay strong, Ruby, and you can get through anything!
~Mystic
It was interesting Mystic, well worth reading
DeleteI don't miss weighing myself although I am dying to know the number. Being away from the scale is such a relief
Thanks Mystic x
Hi Ruby, just returning a visit you made to my blog for which I thank you. I've never actually known anyone with an eating disorder. I sometimes think back to my younger years and wonder about myself. Maybe I was on the verge back then I don't know, but I look back at my 'thin' photos and remember thinking back then that I was terribly fat and feeling miserable when I ate anything because I thought of food as the enemy. Now I am an overweight 63 year old who would be very happy to be that weight again. These days I am more into trying to eat healthier than the look of being the old me. I wish you all the very best in this life journey you're taking and admire you greatly. I think this blog must only help others who are dealing with what you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Denise x
DeleteLITERALLY crying for fuel. Holy crap. That. Just. Can I hug you? Please? :(
ReplyDeleteYay for the not purging. I hope you can find better balance when you go home. How much longer are you on Oz for? Are you far enough away from the East Coast set of bushfires?
Don't hold yourself up to others for comparison. You both had different things to fight through and you DID have the heroin to fight as well. That by itself is a massive battle that not everyone wins.
Dear Ruby's EDbrain.
No matter WHAT she weighs, you will ALWAYS make her feel fat. Stop lying to her, you sadistic, murderous, amoral fuckface.
~Peri
You made it through and didn't let it fuck everything up completely. That is awesome.
love you to bits. Have a safe flight home *huggles*
Love you too Peri, just home now, will catch up with everyone soon, once I get over this jet lag x
DeleteHope you had safe travels home, but most importantly I hope you are doing alright.
ReplyDeleteLove you darling, take care xx
Thank you dear Melrose
DeleteI made it home safe, just very tired
Will post very soon
Love you too x
Hey I hope you are doing okay now. I noticed it has been a few days since you have posted. I am okay at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI get emotional whenever I read books, watch shows or movies that have anything to do with something I have gone through. Sometimes it can just be something in the news that is so horrible I cry for the victim or family, both.
I admire that you have still stayed away from the scale. I wish I could do the same thing. I did try and yeah that didn't go so well.
You feel better Ruby.