I guess I need the support as I don't have much here
No Mary
No doctor
No friends
And I don't want to worry my mother and my sister
So I'm trying hard to hold it together in front of them
I hope you understand
The last couple of days have been unimaginably hard
I've eaten once in the last 3 days
I just couldn't face
The fridge is filling up with my uneaten plates of food
Yesterday my mother and I went to Cougee beach
I woke up feeling very emotional and was fighting back the tears all morning
I knew I should eat but I couldn't
I wanted to I really did
We arrived in Cougee and went to cafe
I felt so overwhelmed as I looked at all the food
Baguettes
Pies
Carrot cake
Apple muffins
Brownies
I couldn't take it and started to sob
I went outside for a smoke and tried to pull myself together
I did and we went to the beach where I settled down with my book and cigarettes
My mother went for a walk
Here I was at a beautiful beach in an amazing country and I just couldn't appreciate it
My eating disorder was ruining it
All of a sudden I was crying again
Harder than I have in along time
My mother was busy looking around that she didn't even notice me until I started gasping for air
I tried to explain how I was feeling
Like I was slipping
Crumbling
Falling apart
Severely restricting
Obsessing over mine and others bodies
What I didn't tell her was that suicidal thoughts were rearing their ugly head again
Planning
Plotting
Thinking about disappearing
I just couldn't tell her that
She tried to soothe me
Calm me down
She said that she had noticed that I was eating less and less
I hoped she hadn't noticed
But she always does
I spent the rest of the day mostly crying
We were due to go out to dinner that night with my sisters parters family
Thought of it was too much to bear
I hadn't eaten in 2 days and I feared it so much
I decided there and then not to go
It was too much and I already felt so fragile
We arrived home from the beach and I went straight to bed
My sunburned skin stung and I enjoyed the pain
I hid from everyone and hoped they'd understand if I didn't go
But then and I don't know how, I somehow found the strength to go
I didn't want to but I made myself
So we all went out to a local restaurant
The menu consisted of sharing plates so we ordered a selection
This turned out to be easier for me
I could nibble little bits and not look out of place
It was much easier than having a big plate of food on front of me
I ate a little bit of Spanish ham and some cracker bread
I ate so little that I didn't feel the need to purge
In the end I managed to enjoy myself
I even laughed
Isn't it always the way that the anticipation of an event is always worse than the event itself
I thought breaking my fast would whet my appetite
But now I am back to nil by mouth
And I feel incredibly guilty
But it isn't enough to make me eat
Where is this going?
I'm not quite sure
Watch this space
Oh Ruby dear, you are loved. I do understand. I think you should try taking vitamins. My friend is anorexic as well and she said it helps trick the body into feeling better since it's getting the vitamins it needs and helps her mood. Since you don't eat all day just take it a little before bed so that you can avoid the sick feeling it will give you on an empty stomach. Lately I don't eat all day. I get up and have a full day of school and work and homework and then around 6 or 7 I allow myself to go to the kitchen because I feel weak. When I get there I don't feel hungry for anything really, nothing even sounds good. It ALL sounds like a pain in the ass actually, and I end up pacing, literally pacing the room, in indecision. Then I eat a salad with little dressing and get upset I had even that. Everything makes me emotional anymore. There's no reason for it either.. I definitely understand and don't worry about posting a lot! I swear I'm the queen of posting too much haha. Any time you need support, I'm here.
ReplyDelete<3
Thanks Eve
DeleteI'm glad but sad you can identify
I can relate to the indecision
Constantly going round and around in my head about whether or not to eat and what to eat
It's exhausting
You are loved too x
It's quite awful and sad what this eating disorder is taking away from you. But at least you can be honest here, and if anything honest with yourself.
ReplyDeleteYes we are here if you need support. That is about the only thing I can give from this screen.
My dear im so sorry things are not well for you, I wish I could change it for you. Please remember you are loved and that I truly care for you. You are so strong and I always admire your courage for continuing to fight, please always do.
You can contact me no matter what <3
Love you darling, hang in there things are bound to start looking up eventually. xx
Thank you Melrose for your kind words
DeleteThey mean a lot
And you do help, so much
I'm trying to fight, I'm just so tired
Tired of this constant battle with myself
But yes hopefully things will turn around x
I am glad you had a small reprive and you were able to enjoy your evening out. I don't know if this is odd but sometimes I feel s much better after a hard cry. Maybe it is because it takes so much energy to suppress the emoitions for so long and then letting them out? I.
ReplyDeleteIt's true Josie, I did feel better after my cry
DeleteI thought I was feeling better today but then broke down this evening, maybe it's a good thing x
Awwwwww *hugs* I am so sorry to hear how everything is going so far. I understand you not wanting to tell them and have them freakin out or worrying.
ReplyDeleteI kind of felt like that today myself for other reasons. Yeah you come and let it out on here to us if you can. Trying to hold it all in never tends to end well most of the time. I did that and like just lost it for a moment last year because I tried so hard to no burden those around me.
It's still hard actually.
I hope things get better. You look lovely by the way :-)
Thanks Winter and so nice to have you back
DeleteI know you had a break and I hope things are better for you
Stay strong sweetie
I don't know about lovely but that's me x
im glad you had a little enjoyment. you deserve it. i promise. (; i hope things get easier for you. but be careful, dear, try to talk to someone abou the things that are causing your suicidal thoughts. i dont want to see you gone.
ReplyDelete<3
I will Sofia, I will talk to Mary when I get home x
DeleteI can understand. In the summer I was seeing a guy from student support at uni, and a mental health worker, then I went to Singapore and all my support was taken away, and I felt so stranded, so I blogged more.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I cycle, I move from one disorder to another so frequently. My weight has yo-yoed so much in the last 8 years or so because of it!
I do hope things get better.
x
Thanks Jan
ReplyDeleteI do that too, switch from one to the other
It's so draining
I hope things get better for you too x
Ruby Rube x
ReplyDeleteI love you :) and all others here love you too x please remember that!
Sorry to hear your having a rough time lately, but don't worry sunshine will come soon x
Thank you Kate
ReplyDeleteI love you too
Here's hoping for the sunshine x
I'm so glad that you could enjoy some of the fun, and laugh. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with everything and your eating disorder there, but you are strong enough to do it. And you're not alone. You're supported by everyone here. I'm sorry i'm so bad at commenting. I say things in my head, but I never write them down.
ReplyDeleteThe beach looks amazing there, and you're pretty! Don't compare yourself to others! I've never even met you and I think you're wonderful and sweet and kind. Just from reading here.
Keep your head up, take care. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip.
I will try to be better at commenting. Xx
I'm just do tired CJ, I woke up this morning and just wanted to go straight back to bed
DeleteThank you for your kindness and support and don't worry about not commenting
I'll try my best to enjoy the rest of my trip, only 6 days left x
Hi sweetheart, I'm really sorry that you are struggling so so much :-(
ReplyDeleteWhen are you back, when is your next appointment? I find it really hard without appointments as well. I'm glad your family seem to be supportive tho :-)
Sorry I've been rubbish at commenting, but know that I love you and am sending you courage and hope xxxxx
That's ok Nina, I know that your struggling aswell
DeleteMy next appointment isn't until the week after next but I am thinking of ringing Mary from here
Everything is such an effort, I just want to sleep all day
I love you too sweetie
I'll hold on if you will x
I'm so sorry you're struggling, Ruby. I just wanted to say that I understand. It's hard, so hard sometimes.But you're doing amazingly - you're out of your own environment so you don't have anything familiar to cling to - your routines, your control etc. And you're still managing to talk to your family, socialise with them, see people...even if you feel like you're not all the way present. That takes strength. One foot in front of the other, Lovely. Just keep going. I'm here for you if you need anything xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Cheryl, it is so very hard but I am having moments of enjoying myself even if they are brief
DeleteIt is difficult away from everything you know but I need to try and fight this thing
I will keep going, thanks for your support Cheryl x
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I think you are so incredibly brave to have gone away on holiday to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar foods where you can't carry out your usual 'safe' eating disordered behaviours and rituals. I could never do that, so I admire you! I hope that crying today helped to release the negative emotions you're feeling, and I hope that writing your blog helped do the same too. Please try and find strength from here - we all want the best for you, but realise how difficult, and how much of a struggle it is. But you are stronger than you think - just look at how you managed to succeed at going out with your family friends to a restaurant! Here for you if you need anything at all XX
ReplyDeleteI actually can't quite believe that I am here and for a month
DeleteI was probably not entirely ready to come recovery wise but I didn't want to not come
I seem to be very up and down, laughing one minute and crying the next which makes me feel all over the place but I will try to make the est of things
Thanks for your kindness and support
It means the world x
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much Ruby.. I know I don't comment much, but I do read your posts and I have you in my mind and heart..
ReplyDeleteTake care of you <3
Thank you Kitty, it's nice to know you there
DeleteTake care of you too x
You're aware of the situation I'm sure you'll find a way to beat the disease. I know how travels can be hard for people who are dealing with EDs. But don't give up the fight, I'm sure you're strong enought to go through this.
ReplyDeleteAnd everyone deserves to recover!
Take care.
Thank you
DeleteTake care of you too x
You're always so aware of yourself. I think it's a blessing because it means you can look at yourself and really figure out what you need. I'm glad you're trying to get the needed support, and sad that it seems like you just can't get it from this blog. Face to face means so much more sometimes...
ReplyDeleteThat's true Emily, the blog does help but at times like this I think we do need to talk to someone, I know I do x
DeleteOk so I swear I commented on this. First of all, hugs. Lots of them. Second, I'm so happy you went to the dinner. Even if it was nibbles, it was still time with your family. It was still getting out of bed. It was still a protest against your demons that just want you to waste away to nothing.
ReplyDeleteI love you dear. So much, you don't even know, I brag about you in real life. To the people that have given up, I say, you know I have a friend abroad, that is ten years older than me, has been through a heroin addiction, a terrible battle with eating disorders, and everything in between. Everything could have knocked her down for good, everything could have killed her by now, but she's still here. I really do, and they say wow, they don't know how one person can have that much willpower or luck or just get through it. So, something out there is for you.
Love you hon, keep trying.
Thank you sweetheart for your kind words and support
ReplyDeleteThat's so nice that you talk about be but I'm no different to anyone else, I'm just trying to get through this
I love you too
Hope you're ok x
I thought I commented on this post, but either I forgot or the internet ate it :( Time and reality are starting to blur.
ReplyDeleteI love you to bits and you're not alone. Every holiday is different.
FUCK the guilt. That just makes things worse. You feel guilty and awful and feel like a bad person and need to punish yourself with more pain and then feel more guilt and and and cycle ad nauseum. FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
You're NOT a bad person. You do NOT deserve pain or punishment of any kind. Shit happens, shit IS happening. Do the best you can each day and forget the things that are out of your hands.
Treat things like a fox terrier would. If you can't eat it or shag it, piss on it and walk away. If something is making you feel like shit, piss on it and swagger on.
Those nibbly type of meals are great, but I tend to get territorial about my food. Watch a horse that was starved in the past when it has a bucket of grain around others. That's me.
http://youtu.be/JIFNEddeZI4
Thank you so much for the hugs and awesome words. I'm going to be doing a LOT of tongue-biting on Monday. Already had to restrain myself so I didn't rage out at Mum. Nana.M was Mum's mum so this is really hard for her. (She is still being a fucking twatcannon bitchface though)
Love you to bits, I hope you're OK over there. Where are you in relation to the bushfires? Take care of yourself, Ruby. You're an amazing BAMF and the world would be a horrible place without you.
*Huggles*
Thank you so much Peri for your unwavering love and support
ReplyDeleteYou are a shining star in a black, black sky
I am still very emotional, I watched a nature programme today and cried my eyes out
I feel overwhelmed and am hanging on
I need support and I just don't have that here
It will be a relief to get back to normal
I will try to enjoy my last few days though
Love you always Peri
Sending you love and hugs across the pacific x
shit ruby, i just read this- hope you are doing kind of ok by now at least, but please don't feel guilty - you have done exceptionally well without marys support on this trip and you are a great and loving daughter and sister, hun!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
please be ok
xx
Thanks Loulou, things are more or less the same
ReplyDeleteI'm just trying to make the best of the last few days x