Living on air

As you may know I am an eating disorder/food/mental health documentary junkie so I was delighted to find one that I hadn't seen on you tube
It was called 'Living on air' made by the BBC
It began by showing footage from the 'Minnesota experiment' some 50 years ago
A group of men were semi-starved for 6 months and the effects monitored
I had heard of this experiment in treatment
As the men lost weight they began to exhibit symptoms of having an eating disorder including obsessing over food
They began to isolate
Some tried to escape
Others are grass they were so hungry
One man became so distressed cut off 3 of his fingers with an axe







The documentary followed the story of 3 girls
Betsy, Hilary and Rachel
Betsy was a well spoken American mom who had suffered with anorexia since she was a child
She believed her condition was genetic as her grandmother had starved herself to death
Betsy was extremely worried about her 7 year old daughter who had begun to copy her behaviour
Betsy is fighting hard
She is in close contact with her doctor and attends a support group
I felt hopeful about her

Hillary was a 22 year old suffering from anorexia/bulimia
It was shocking to see her at four and a half stone
All her piercings and jewellry couldn't disguise her emaciated body
She had been suffering with the illness for 7 years and was preparing to go in to treatment for the 6th time
Even though she was in a desperate state I also felt hopeful about her
She was making good progress in treatment and within the first month her weight increased to 6 stone
Still very thin but it was a great start



But the story that broke my heart was Rachel
As her story began she was leaving treatment after a 6 month stay
Her third in 6 years
Although she expressed ambivalence about wanting to get well she remained hopeful and was due to start university at Cambridge
Leaving treatment she looked healthy and happy
But a few weeks later as Rachel returned to the treatment centre as an outpatient she had lost a considerable amount of weight
She looked and sounded a shadow of the girl we saw just a few short weeks before
She spoke slowly and looked so sad and lost I just wanted to reach through the screen and envelop her in a hug
She spoke of how things at home and school were tough and this was her coping mechanism
As we saw her at university she looked pale and gaunt
She said she felt that anorexia had 'tricked her'
That she thought that things were ok until it was too late
I wanted to cry watching Rachel's story
I could relate so much
In and out of treatment
Hopes raised and dashed
Recovery and relapse
The never ending merry-go-round
Or more like a ghost train
It's a sad reality that so many of us relapse time and time again
It's part and parcel of the condition
But I just felt so sad that Rachel had relapsed so quickly
Before her life had even really begun



If I think about all the people suffering from eating disorders it drives me insane
As I watched Rachel I wanted to shout at the screen

'Why are you doing this to yourself?
Stop!
Please stop!
Can't you see how beautiful, talented and smart you are?
Don't waste your life on this cruel illness
Stop, right now!'



But of course it's all too easy to tell others what they should do
When it comes to ourselves it's so much harder

Watching this documentary reminded me of my own time in treatment
Or should I say 3 times in treatment
I never really made much progress
On 2 occasions I was discharged for failing to continue to gain weight and the other time I discharged myself
I spent a lot of time on bedrest and continued to restrict, binge and purge
I remember one day a nurse caught me with a bag full of chocolate bars
I was so ashamed
I also got in to a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and binging so they started to lock the kitchen
Again so very ashamed
I would like to think that I will go back to treatment
Someday
When? I don't know
But I know that I won't go back until I know that I can give it 100%
I just can't right now

If you get a chance check out this documentary and tell me what you think