I saw him Friday afternoon
The main reason I wanted to see him was to apologise
I was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to change my dose of methadone
He said that there was no reason to apologise but he accepted it
He admitted that was quite annoyed with me for giving him a false picture of how I was
He asked me how I was managing on 25mls
I was honest and and told him I was struggling
Everything was effected from my sleep to my appetite
So he made a suggestion and we agreed to compromise
He put my dose back to 30mls but only on the condition that we start to reduce it again in a month
But instead of 5mls, the dose would be dropped by 2mls
I agreed to this
At least now I have some notice of the change and I can prepare myself
I saw him again this morning
I feel a whole lot better about the whole thing now
At least now I am being honest
I am not holding on to secrets
I'm doing the right thing
I think that addiction and eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to help myself I need to tell on my ED
I need to do blow it's cover
Do the opposite of what it wants me to do
Easier said than done
Methadone is somewhat controversial
There is a strong argument for and against it and I can see both sides
The thinking behind methadone is that it is a stepping stone between the drug and being clean
To get the person stable
When I was in active addiction my whole day revolved around getting money for drugs and then taking the drugs
I inevitably got involved in crime and my life was very chaotic
Methadone removes that chaos and enables the addict to live a relatively normal life
You take your methadone every morning
You don't have to worry about getting money together as it is free so the person can leave behind s life of crime
You don't have to worry about getting sick and that is huge
Crucially it is not a long tern solution
Complete abstinence being the ultimate goal
But then there is the argument that you are just replacing one drug for another
That you rely on it just as much as you did on the drug
And there is the temptation to abuse it which I have been doing
Doctors get really well paid for having a methadone patient
So the doctor may be reluctant to take the patient off it as he is gaining from it
As sick as that sounds, it really does happen
For me there have been positives and negatives being on methadone
Yes it helped me to get off drugs
It helped me gain some semblance of a normal life
But now 10 years later I am utterly dependant on it
Then there are side effects
It cause me to have severe constipation
And it has ruined my teeth
But I think overall the good has outweighed the bad
Without it I don't know if I would be clean today
I think though that my goal should be to become completely clean
Including being off all meds
Like most addicts I struggle to take these meds as I should
If the bottle of pills says take one, I am the type of person who would take 5
Being on methadone and meds is tough being an addict
It would be like an alcoholic trying to only have one drink a day
It just doesn't work
I don't know if I have gone backwards by going back to 30mls
Maybe I have but I have to do it this way
I have to err on the side of caution
On the food front things are difficult
I tried so hard yesterday not to purge
But I can't stop
I literally can't stop
When I get the urge to purge it is so overwhelming
The house could be burning down around me and I would still purge before I left
It feels like I am out of control
An external force
Something bigger than me
I spoke to a friend the other day
She is a recovering addict and is also trying to recover from bulimia
She relapsed recently and is trying to get back on track
She pursues recovery a different way
She uses Food Addicts Anonymous
It basically AA adapted for food
They follow a very strict food plan
The completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour as they believe they are addictive
They eat at certain times and weigh and measure all their food (even in restaurants, I've seen her do it)
It sounds extreme and it is
But my friend says that even though the programme is so strict, it actually gives her absolute freedom
I have been to a few meetings and I could identify a lot with the other ladies but I really can't get my head around the food plan
I've read the literature on it and I could really relate
I'm not sure if I am a food addict though
And I definitely don't want to be one
The food plan is very healthy and nutritious but it's not a diet
I would worry that I would see it as a diet and be triggered by it
I have no doubt that the 12 step method works
But I just have a huge issue with labelling myself as a food addict
To me it conjures up images of lazy and greedy people
Fat people
However I have no doubt that some foods are addictive and sugar, wheat and flour are the no. 1 offenders
But I don't want to cut them out of my diet
I like them
I may do some more reading and may even go to a meeting
Nothing has worked so far so I have nothing to lose by giving it a go
This the book I was reading
It's called Food addiction, the body knows by Kay Shepperd
With that said I was wondering about you
Do you think certain foods are addictive?
Are there any foods you are addicted to?
Food addiction-I've never really given it much thought until now. I guess food can be a sort of drug in a way- an addiction that can hold people captive. The way some people use drugs for their high, other people can reach for sugar and carbs. One wouldn't think that a strict eating programme would be freeing but hey, it it works for your friend, then that's great!
ReplyDeleteI've heard of sugar/wheat/flour being addictive in the past but again, I've never really given it much thought. I guess I could be addicted to sugar and sweets. When I'm bored, upset, hungry, not hungry, I always want something sweet. It makes me feel better and it tastes good. I don't want to completely cut out sweets because like you said, I like them, but when I take a step and look at it from a different perspective, perhaps sugar is my addiction. It's an addiction that could have negative side effects on my health- it would be in my best interest to try and get rid of this addiction and quickly!(On a side note- coffee is an addiction that I'm very happy to live with and don't plan on giving up soon!)
Yes. Food is addictive. They work heavily on this principle in America and the are hooking kids younger and younger. It disgusts me. Now you know why we're the fattest nation in the world. MSG intensifies flavor so you want more and healthy stuff doesn't do it. It's a conscious process you must make to retrain your taste buds. People don't want to do that though. I know for myself personally I like flavor. I like the experience I have with people over dinner. I'm not actually hungry. I'm really trying to listen to the small voice of my body.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the methadone! I'm really happy to hear you were honest. It just feel like things are in order when I am. I really want to see you off of it someday girl.
Big hugs. I know it's been rough but you're headed the right way! Lots of love!
I'm so glad to hear you and your doctor have come up with a plan. Would it help to ask about/discuss the dose reductions early, so you always have notice? I agree, it's important in becoming clean, but I think the sooner you're off it, the sooner you can leave your addiction behind. It could be a hugely positive change to your mental health when it happens, not just your physical.
ReplyDeleteI think food is addictive, though not always in a chemical sense. Things like chocolate have a mild chemically addictive effect, but I think a lot of food addiction is based on taste, emotion, things like that. I have an addiction to food in a different way. I spend hours and days thinking about what to bake, obsessing over each detail. I've always had a serious passion for food, and my ED just set it to overdrive.
Could you look into Overeaters Anonymous? They don't have any weird food plans you have to do, and they work with anorexics and bulimics too. But it's 12 steps towards beating compulsive eating urges. I think it's different to FAA, maybe look into it?
Love you dear <3 xx
It's so true that 'addiction and eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies'. It's like a spiral and the more we keep secrets and tell lies, the more we have to keep up to keep the behaviours going and it just gets more and more out of control. It is hard to break these secrets, but it's the only way to recover. And it seems impossible :(
ReplyDeleteI can't believe doctors get paid well for giving methadone. The priority should be to get patients better again, that's madness! Do you want to come off methadone? Do you think you'll be able to do it and not find another addiction to replace it?
I can relate to what you say about ED being an external force. It's terrifying isn't it, how you find yourself doing things that you have no control over. It scares me so much.
I hope you find it useful going if you do go to the FAA meeting. Sometimes cutting food groups out of your diet is bad though because it means you miss out on certain nutrients that your body needs, and also, it can lead to binges on those forbidden foods. But I don't know enough about FAA to really comment.
I think that any eating disorder is an addiction - you can be addicted to starving, addicted to binging, addicted to purging, addicted to exercise, addicted to laxatives, addicted to reading food books, addicted to watching food programmes...etc. For me personally, I think that certain foods are addictive. Or maybe that's just my anorexia? I go through periods of eating the same specific food all the time, and if I can't get hold of that food, then I just completely panic. These specific foods change every now and again, but I guess it's some sort of addiction. At the moment, it's edamame bean salad!!! :)
Are you addicted to any foods?
Oh please don't think you've made a step backwards by having your dosage upped to 30ml. I think it's a massive step forward for you to have confided in your doctor the problems you've been having.
ReplyDeleteWith the food addiction could you go for a little bit to the meetings and see how it goes? If it doesn't work out for you, you could just walk away. Nothing to lose. :)
Good luck!
I think foods that affect your blood sugar the most (like rapidly digesting carbs: sugar and refined flour being at the top of your list) can make you hungry after they have been used up/stored, but I don't believe that's addiction. I do practice carb control sometimes because I have blood sugar issues, but I don't believe sugar & flour are bad or addictive. Appetite regulation is much more complicated than that.
ReplyDeleteThat is the reason I have never been brave enough to try Overeater's Anonymous - the idea of "abstaining" from "bad" foods (trigger!). Don't think of FAA for "food" addiction, think of it as a program to the addiction to hunger (restriction), control of intake, or purging if that helps. It sounds like it's worth a shot.
This window was still open on my computer from this morning, and when I refreshed, a lot of ground had already been covered... I should add that each OA group is different in their specific guidelines. Another one to try is Eating Disorders Anonymous. My issue with my local EDA was the leader, not the philosophy. They deal with all types of EDs.
ReplyDeleteFood Addicts Anonymous sounds incredibly strict, and I'm almost wondering if it doesn't trigger a different kind of eating disorder in itself. I mean, cutting out all sugar and flour? That's that kind of stuff we do when we're in an anorexic mindset.
ReplyDeleteI do think those foods can be addictive, especially to those who have EDs, but to cut them out entirely seems too extreme.
Good luck telling on your ED! Can you tell us about times when you do it? I think it would be really inspiring.
YES YES HONESTY FUCK YES. Don't give your addiction or ED any shadowy lie-corners to hide in. They'll kick and scream and fight like the blazes to try to keep their vampiric hold on you, but you keep fighting and waving your flamethrower around and they'll be fucking TOAST.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the mixed movie/gaming metaphor >.<
ANYTHING that makes you feel good is addictive.
Simple truth.
It makes your brain release feel-good hormones, which can get you hooked.
Running away from everything fun is NOT the answer, though.
Exercising moderation is infinitely harder than going for all-or-nothing.
I feel that the strict rules and banning of food groups would lead to a downward spiral of guilt if you ate something off the program. Just like a Weightwatchers Blame-N-Shame session :/
If you have problems with control and ED around food, following strict rules could be just another way for ED to stay with you. Taking the control out of your hands and putting it in something elses'.
Lol I dunno about you, but if someone tells me not to do something, you can be damn sure I'll do it just to fuck with them. (Unless it's something I REALLY don't want to do. No need to tell me not to give your mother-in-law a rimjob, for example *shudders*)
Luffles you Ruby <3
*hugs*