The Broken Toilet

Warning: May be triggering

Well, it's happened again
I guess it was bound to
It was only a matter of time
I've worked that thing way beyond it's limit
Yes, I have broken yet another toilet
I'm not surprised really
This tends to happen when you're a raging bulimic
This is not the first toilet I have broken
Oh no
I remember being in London a few years ago staying with cousins
There was one bathroom between 6 or 7 of us
Needless to say I had to pick my purging time carefully
The flush on this particular toilet was little different
If you had just a wee, you pushed it gently and it gave a small flush
If you had, well more than a wee, then you pushed it a bit harder and it flushed harder
Now if you have any experience with bulimia you will know that once the expelled food is in the toilet, you just want to flush it away as fast as possible
Get rid of the evidence as it were
So being in a house where a queue could form for the toilet at any moment, I was probably a little aggressive with my flushing
We were all sitting in the kitchen one day when my uncle came in and announced that 'someone' had broken the flush on the toilet
I instantly assumed it was me
I turned scarlett
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole
My uncle the proceeded to give us a detailed lecture on how exactly to use the flush
It seemed everyone but me had got the hang of that one



So yesterday the same thing happened again
My flushing toilet bowl after toilet bowl of vomit proved too much for my aubergine coloured friend
He was over worked and under paid
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
Now I've had to move to the toilet upstairs which I have to say has a far inferior flush
Plus the water pressure in the tap is little more than a trickle
And I just don't have the energy to be traipsing up and down stairs
We rang or go-to man for problems like this
Patrick
Jack of all trades, master of none
He called in the afternoon and I have to admit I was pretty anxious
I watched him walk down the hall with his tools
Mental images of the toilet exploding and showering him in vomit flashed in my mind
I wondered how I would clean it all up and how I would explain it to my mother
Thankfully there were no explosions and Patrick left to get a part for the ailing toilet
It was touch and go for a while but the toilet will pull through and live to fight another day

When you're bulimic, toilets become of paramount importance
You become an expert in flushes and water pressure
You excel in cleaning your mess with little more than a sheet of papery toilet roll
It's ok when you're at home
You know your own toilet and it's limitations
But when you're out and about, it's a different situation entirely
Not only are you using a foreign toilet but you also have to deal with interruptions
Restaurants are a mine field
Sometimes I check the flush prior to purging to make sure it's up for the job
But then one flush might not do it
It may take 2 or even 3 flushes
Not to mention you're in a tiny cubicle with only a thin wall between you and the next person
Over the years I've learned to be quick and quiet
I've learned to use the disabled toilet if it's free as it usually has it's own room
I remember another time again in London I was out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with relatives
I love Indian food so I helped myself safe in the knowledge that the food wouldn't be staying in my stomach for very long
Afterwards I excused myself to the bathroom
These were the days before I learned to check the flush first
So after purging I went to push the handle of the flush
It fell limp in my hand
No pressure at all
I immediately panicked as I was pretty sure there was someone waiting outside
In the end I camouflaged it with toilet paper but only made a bigger mess
I sighed and opened the toilet door only to find my aunt standing there
I forced a smile and went back to my seat
If she knew what I had done, she never said a word





When I was in Australia toilets were again a problem
My sister lives in a small 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom
That blood thing caused me no end of problems
It refused to flush certain food items and so I would have to fish them out by hand and dispose of them
It blocked a couple of times and I had to free the blockage with a toilet brush
Oh yes, whoever said eating disorders were glamorous should come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

So yes, toilets and bathrooms become a priority when you're bulimic
I'm not telling you any of this to gross you out
I'm just telling you honestly the lengths I have gone to for my eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's disgusting
It's degrading
It's not something I ever thought would be part of my life
So tomorrow my old friend will be fixed and I will continue on the never ending merry-go-round that is this illness
I will continue to test flushes the world over
Always on the look out for that elusive perfect flush
There may actually be a market for toilets specifically designed for people with bulimia
Great big bowl
Excellent flush
Perfect water pressure
Self cleaning
Now there's a thought.............