I'm not quite sure how I got through it
I'm on the verge of being in withdrawal
It's been lingering like a bad smell
I saw an addiction counsellor on Wednesday
I used to see him when I first moved here a few years ago and he said he can see a lot of progress in me
I explained how I have been misusing my methadone and now it is being reduced I am really struggling
He asked me if methadone was a type of weather what would it be
At first I hadn't a clue what he was talking about but the first word that came to mind was cloudy
And that's what it's like to be misusing it
It's fuzzy
A fuzzy bubble
This week I have been more lucid than I have in a long time
On the dose of methadone I was taking it's like I am blinkered
Like living in a fog
And because I more more sober my mind is clear
My father commented this week that he hasn't seen me this alert in a long time
But along with sobriety comes feelings
I've realise that I haven't been drug free since I was a young teenager
I've been numb for the last 15 years
Comfortably numb
I experienced a lot of anger and frustration this week
Mostly as myself
Angry for abusing my meds
For keeping secrets
For letting others think I am stable
For getting myself in to this situation
I feel like I've oppressed my feeling for so long that this week they erupted like a volcano
Like a shaken can of soda
I truly felt like I was losing the plot
Crying one minute
Laughing the next
But somehow I managed to get through it and today I feel alot better
I've never really dealt with feelings and reality well
I remember as child pretending that I couldn't sleep
My mother brought me to the doctor and I remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets
I've always had a cushion between myself and reality
A buffer
And I've always believed that the answer to my problems was a pill or a substance
Yes drugs make you feel better but only for a short while
They just camouflage the feelings
They push them deep down in to your soul ready to escape at the next opportunity
Drugs do not only not work but they make the situation a whole lot worse
I am never going to get anywhere if I don't learn to deal with these feelings
I've had to take a good hard look at myself this week
I've done a lot of thinking
I made an appointment on Tuesday to see my doctor today and had prepared myself for round 2
But now I don't know if I'm going to go
I still have a huge issue with the way he reduced the methadone
I still think a 5ml drop was too much
But I can also see that the way I went about telling him this was all wrong
I'm sure I came across like a desperate addict and not a rational adult
And I do feel bad for unleashing my inner bitch
I don't doubt that he has my best interests at heart and does want to help me
In 9 years this is the first argument I've had with him
So whether I see him today or Monday I will apologise
Not for what I said but the way I said it
I will also ask him to reconsider my dose but I am prepared for him to say no
And if he does I will have to accept that
I have no other choice
I saw Mary this morning
I was much calmer
The last 3 times I've seen her I've been almost hysterical
She really has been an amazing support this week
Gone out of her way to help me
She focused on all of the positives this week
As hard as it's been there have been some positives
Coming off methadone is a double edged sword for me
On one hand I want to be drug free
It really is quite scary being so dependent on a substance knowing what you would be like if you didn't have it
But on the other hand I'm afraid
Afraid of using
I can not begin to tell you how much relapsing scares me
They say when you're in recovery your addiction is outside doing push ups
Getting stronger all the time
They say you pick up from where you left off and I left off in a horrendous place
Addiction is progressive
It gets worse over time
I couldn't go any lower
I dread to think of what could be next
Food has taken a back seat over the last couple of weeks
I haven't had the energy or the inclination to address it
Feeling all these feelings I've kind of turned away from food
Used it to deal with these new emotions
Mary weighed me and I'd lost 1.5kg since last week
This leaves me in a perilous situation
Mary can't seen me if my BMI drops below a certain number and I am edging ever closer to it
It's not her rule it's the service she works for
To lose Mary would be a disaster
I just don't know how I would cope
I need all the support I can get right now
So it's time to get on top of this
I have to make an effort and that starts with purging
I won't come through opiate and methadone addiction only for my eating disorder to kill me
Yes I am weak but I feel strong today
Yes a lot has happened this week but I feel positive
Yes I almost gave up this week but if I can get through this I can get through anything
I don't always want to but I feel I can do the right thing
I thought I was helpless but I'm more capable than I thought
Yes I thought I was a lost cause but today I have hope
I am so happy to read that you're feeling this strength. Hold on to it. I may have no idea what you are going through, but I can recognize how strong you are for it.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for stepping up and facing this head on, and for doing it in a calm way. You are amazing. Xx
I found strength from somewhere CJ x
DeleteIt's so good to read that you are feeling stronger today - it really shows in your writing and makes you such an inspiration to everyone struggling with various issues. You are so brave and courageous - keep fighting! Xx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely
DeleteYou keep fighting the good fight too x
Ruby you are so wonderful <3 You are truly a fighter no matter how weak you are or think you are.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it, you can do this!
All my thoughts, prayers, and love to you xx
We can do this Melrose
DeleteLove to you too x
You're so strong, i hope you're feeling better soon x
ReplyDeleteI hope so too
DeleteThank you x
Hang in there. I think the reason why you are so strong is because you know in your mind what needs to be done, now just tell yourself you can do it. You are stronger than you know. and one week down. You can do this. I know you can. Getting off Meth is hard staying off it is harder, but you have done both! Remember use your support that is why they are there!
ReplyDeleteThat is true Linny, it's staying clean that is the problem
DeleteI really want it though and that has to help x
What a hopeful post. I'm sorry this has been such a horrendous week, but it's going to get better. I'm happy that your father has noticed a positive change in you. Feelings are easier to address than ED or addiction. I have faith that you will continue to get better, and happier.
ReplyDeleteThank you JJ for your support and faith in me x
DeleteI love how positive you have become. I hope you reconsider asking your doctor to up your does again but if you do it sounds like you will be doing it the right way. Remember you made it through this week. Why not wait and see if you can make it another.
ReplyDeleteAs for the emotions coming back, I can related. I can not get off my meds because my emotions swamp me. It is good you have some many medical people for support. Now consider a group or friends for adittional support during this difficult time. I really think you are making good steps. Don't punish yourself if you take a step backward. You took two ahead you are still going in the right direction.
That is my next step, to get back in contact with my friends
DeleteI've been isolating way too much and spending too much time in my head
And yes I do feel like I'm on the right path now x
What a wonderful post. I'm so glad to hear you've found some hope.
ReplyDeleteAddiction really is a cloud, and a buffer from reality. But there are healthier coping mechanisms that can be learnt, it just takes a while. I think the longer we turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, the harder it is to re-learn how to cope normally, but it is possible.
All my love to you dear <3 xx
I just have to find some healthy ones now Bella
DeleteWho knows, maybe I will find a new passion and it will give me some purpose
Love to you too dearest x
I love this post. And that picture must be a favorite, you post it all the time. Sorry I haven't been commenting much, but maybe clarity and the room in your head to feel those feelings and think thoughts instead of just going through a haze has been good? It sounds like you had the hysterics, but now you're able to rationalize the hysterics and cope with what to do next. I really hope you tackle this head on and be brave about it. Love you dear.
ReplyDeleteI do love that picture, it means a lot
DeleteLove you too x
Wow, what a change from earlier in the week! I'm so glad you're able to see the positives in this.
ReplyDeleteThe first times you experience intense emotion after periods of numbness feel like a rollercoaster. I know you've been there so I know you can survive it again. If your doctor doesn't up your dosage of methodone, you're already halfway towards feeling good.
It has been a rollercoaster Emily but it has slowed down now and I can see a lot clearer
DeleteThanks for your support x
I'm super happy to hear that you're going to do your best to look up. I believe in you.
ReplyDelete<3 lots and lots of love.
It was your comment Eve that really got me thinking
DeleteI appreciate your honesty and being brave enough to tell me the truth even though it's hard to hear and I'm sure it was hard for you too
So thank you, you are a true friend x
*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteI miss being lucid and clear-headed. It's tempting to stop taking my meds so I can be smart again. But doing that would mean I tear myself apart within weeks.
Fucking hell.
Numbing shit away means it hurts MORE when you have to feel it. Once you deal with it, though, it's gone and done with and you don't have to deal with it again. The pain is temporary. Think of yourself like an epic sword being forged. Gotta take the hammering and tempering to become completely badass, ne?
'Scuse me, Imma give you a MASSIVE FUCKING OVATION for being grown up enough to say "I fucked up, and I'm sorry" to the Doctor. Fucking epic. Did you know that the last time an American President owned up to fucking up was in the 60s?!? YOU ARE BECOMING MORE AWESOME ALL THE TIME!
If Food Itself is too much hassle, get some Lazy Standard Backups in place so you can at least fuel your body. Lol, my Standard lazy backups for after work dinners are fruit+yoghurt, marmite and cheese on toast or cheese and hummus in a pita. Yours would be different and I'd suggest easy-to-digest stuff that won't give you digestion problems (since your gut is probably really unused to working ad is atophied) and won't trigger you to b/p. Lol '91 Unleaded Octane for Ruby'
YOU ARE NEVER A LOST CAUSE. EVER.
*Huggles*
True Peri, pushing the feelings down only makes them spill out in other ways
DeleteAnd you know what?
Reality bits but it is tolerable and there are some advantages to being lucid
I missed so much being numb
I saw nothing
Felt nothing
Did nothing
Now I just have to find things to do
To have a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
Maybe it'll even be fun, who knows?
You're right, I'm not a lost cause, that is just me feeling sorry for myself
Love you x
God, Ruby, I'm so sorry to read of your battles with addiction. I can relate, being an of an addictive nature myself, but not like this. I must admit, I watched Requiem For A Dream and it scared the bejesus out of me, as far as drugs are concerned. My vices so far have only been food, ephedrine, cigarettes and alcohol.
ReplyDeleteYou have my deepest respect for the lengths you are going to to help yourself, it shows tremendous courage and backbone. Well done, babe! You can be very proud of yourself so far. I'm certainly proud of you! Your positive attitude will take you far.
I've been told that addicts never really recover, they just swop out one addiction for another. I know when I quit a nasty 60-70 a day cigarette habit, I turned to sugar! My neighbour's ex traded crack for Jesus. Not a good trade, he's back in rehab, poor bugger! I think we all need our vices and coping mechanisms, but we need to find ones that help us instead of hinder us. Tricky business if you ask me, but I believe it can be done. Life is all about striking the right balance and never giving up until we do!
Hang in there, babe. You can do this! Don't be afraid, you'll never know if you can fly unless you take that leap of faith! Between you and me, I think you have the ability to soar! I can feel it, way down in my wishbone! ;)
When all you can remember feeling is numb or pain, your mind will want to pick numb. The trick is remembering that happiness, joy, and peace are options too.
ReplyDelete