I could punch a hole in the nearest wall
I could tear every hair out of my head
I'm crying hot tears of pure temper
I haven't felt such over whelming emotion in a long time and I just don't know what to do
Needless to say I saw my doctor this morning
I spent days rehearsing what I was going to say
I was incredibly anxious going in but I was almost 100% sure that he would understand and put me back on my original dose of methadone if not a higher dose
In answer to his first question of how my week went, I told him that I'd had a pretty horrific time
I explained that I wasn't as stable as he thought I was and had been topping up my methadone nearly every day
I told him that I had seen Mary and when she saw the state of me she told me to go straight back to him if not the mental health service
I told him that I had thought about drugs more this week than I had in that last year and was terrified that I would relapse
My distress was obvious
And do you know what he said?
He said 'Well I'm not changing your dose'
Why not?
You managed to get through last week so it can't have been that bad
I got through last week by the skin of my teeth, please can you put me back on my original dose
No I'm not doing that
How the hell am I supposed to manage? Do I not get any say in my own detox?
You told me you were stable
Well I'm telling you now that I'm not one bit stable
There has to be consequences for messing around, you could have told me last week that you weren't ready for this
It's hard to be honest but I'm being honest
I'm not changing your dose
By this stage anger was boiling was in my blood and my inner bitch came out
I'm not at all an violemt person but when I'm angry I use the only weapon I have, my words
I told him that he had no clue, not one iota of a clue what it's like to be an addict
To feel such helplessness and desperation
Sickness and using are the things I'm most afraid of
Either could kill me
I am his one and only methadone patient and I just don't think he has the experience to deal with someone like me with a dual diagnosis
Yes, he is a lovely man and has been good to me over the years but I do question some of the decisions he makes
We argued back and forth for half an hour
I don't know why I pushed him, it was obvious his mind was made up
I told him that I would much rather come off the olanzapine first as I am just as dependent on that
He said that olanzapine is not addictive
I told him that anything is addictive if you are an addict
Be it cocaine or cornflakes
Now I was sitting with my head in my hands refusing to answer his questions
He wrote out my prescriptions and I snapped it out of his hands walking out as he was in mid sentence
Not quite believing what had just happened
No wonder addicts lie if this is what happens when you tell the truth
I'm sure I ruined his whole day but he could be ruining my whole life
My poor mother bore the brunt of my distress
I drove home at brake neck speed giving out yards about my doctor
When we got home she immediately rang Mary
I spoke to her too
Or as best as I could through tears
She said that the reason he probably going ahead with the detox was because of my pancreatitis and impacted bowel
But he has never once said those words to me
The only thing he has said about the pancreatitis was that he thought it was a 'coincidence'
Mary made a few suggestions
That I go back to my doctor with my mother
That I present at mental health services
That I go to my support group
As I listened to her I calmed down a little but I'm still incredibly upset
I just can't stress enough how difficult it is to have something taken away from me that I completely rely on
Mentally and physically
And I have been thinking about drugs a lot
That scares the shit out of me
I watched the film 'Sherry baby' last night and as I saw her take heroin I swear I could almost taste it
The urge to use is immense
The thought that all this stress could melt away with the prick of a needle is so temptimg
But in reality I know that that would cause twice the trouble
It's just not an option
So where do I go from here?
I really don't know
I could go back to my doctor but I think that's pointless
I guess I have to suck it up and manage the best that I can
But having this crap on top of my eating disorder is sucking that life out of me
I'm so overwhelmed
So afraid
So angry
So drained
I can barley stand to be alive never mind face reality
It's all too much
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow
Thank God for Mary
She'll know what to do
Aww sweetheart that sounds so so so tough :-/
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are seeing Mary, let us know how it goes if you can and want to?
"well you got through this week so it cant have been that bad?" WTF, it is like a test?!
big hugs lovely xxx
I will Milly, thank you x
DeleteWow. I wish doctors would refer to specialists or at least undergo further education when they don't know anything about the condition they are treating.but that wont help you now... Maybe mary can speak to him?the comment by your friend on the previous post suggested 1ml reduction steps.that sound so much more reasonable!listen ruby even if you are very very angry do not take this out on yourself!don't do anything to hurt yourself.you are better than that!talk to mary and get help!you are very brave hun!you can make it,stay busy keep moving and get mary to talk to that doctor!!!he wont listen to you anyway that silly man,as it seems
ReplyDeleteXxx
I'm here,ok?
Xxx
He just doesn't have the experience Loulou, it's so bloody frustrating
DeleteThank you so much for your email, it was really kind of you to do that
I will reply properly soon
You are a star x
Oh Ruby. :( I know this is hard. Your doctor was pretty insensitive, I will agree, but I think that in a way, good can come of this situation. I'm going to be the one that gives you the pep talk dear. In psychology there is a concept in learning and motivation that sometimes when a stimulus is removed the subject will show a burst of response and then it slowly fades out. Right now, you're struggling with the removal of the stimulus (methadone), which is a punishment. You're mind is telling you to do anything you can to get this reward back. It would be difficult. If someone made me eat three meals I would be terrified. Utterly. The bright side of the situation is that now you have accountability. I know this doesn't seem like a fantastic thing, however. Now you are on track to get off it and be on track with being substance free. I know that this is scary and I know that emotions are raw. Don't use Ruby. You know the hardship it brings. Remember and hold on to all the times you have told me that you wanted to go to college, have a love life, have friends, have a HEALTHY existence. You can't do that being on methadone forever. Let go of the branch little bird. Lean on Mary and your family more than ever. Avoid what triggers you to use. When you feel yourself saying that you need it and you can't do it take a step back from your mind and say, actually, I can and I will. I believe in you and you will be in my prayers. Don't let this beat you. Hold on. Withdrawal doesn't last forever. Keep thinking to yourself that in a matter of days and weeks your body will adapt. Make sure you're drinking plenty of fluids, eating fruits and veggies, taking walks, and doing anything to stay busy and promote that healthy lifestyle you wanted. Big hugs my dear.
ReplyDeleteGod grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
My parents are saying the same thing Eve, that maybe this is a blessing in disguise
DeleteThank you for the serenity prayer, it really helped x
Oh hun, I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank God for Mary tomorrow. It sounds like she has some good suggestions. Maybe if you've calmed down a bit, she can help you plan the next steps. I've been wondering for a while if you'd find any benefit in going back to NA? I want you to be safe and supported, and the thought of you using again makes my heart skip a beat.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts dear. *hugs* xx
I think I have to go to NA Bella, I need all the support I can get right now
DeleteHugs to you too my dear x
Hey Ruby, I agree with Eve. Your doctor sounds like he needs to be talking to more about what is going on and listening to what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, reducing your methodone is really big step and of course you are scared, making big changes in our lives is the scariest thing we can do. I know you are terrified at the thought of using again Ruby, I am scared for you too, but that decision has always been yours and you have always had the power to say no. You have come so far, keep on fighting and keep moving forward dear <3
Alice xx
Thank you Alice, I'm seeing Mary today and that always helps x
DeleteI've heard that doctors really aren't very helpful when it comes to treating mental disorders and this is just more evidence. To be fair, he's never been in your head so he might be trying a tactic that's just not going to help you. On the other hand, it's his job to not be a jerk.
ReplyDeleteI guess the most you can do is get through this week. Hopefully it'll get easier.
I hope so too Emily, I really do x
DeleteOn the one hand i am sorry that i said honesty is the best policy when I am dealing with someone else's problem. On the other, I believe you can do this. You have had reductions over the years. this is not your first each one must have been tough and scary:
ReplyDeleteDon't give into your fears: Avoid triggers that upset you and continue to word on yourself. think of this as a new platau that you are advancing upon. You will be proud of yourself once you have sustained this level too: Good luck Ruby, you can do this:
I think maybe it was the right thing to do to be honest, at least now my doctor knows the truth even if he doesn't understand
DeleteThanks for your support x
I wish there was a way for you to see a doctor that specializes in duel dx. Sure he has his medical degree and I am sure he is smart but the vast knowledge needed for treatment is why we now have specialists. Otherwise I could go to the dentist for a heart attack.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness you can do this. I have been reading your blog for a long time and it seems like you have been mentally preparing for this for about a year. Don't doubt how strong you are.
FUCKITY SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFACE.
ReplyDelete*Massive hugs*
Remember the words of Dumbledore? Pushing something away only makes it worse when you finally have to feel it. Ride the anger-wave out and it will pass on it's own and you can move on.
Still: FUCKING HELL.
This really fucking sucks. If he's never dealt with addicts before, be as brutally fucking honest as you need to be. As subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. It's the only way he'll ever come to understand any fucking thing! -.-;
Not very brainhelpful today. All sleepy-fuzzy. I just got 3 seasons of Dr.Who. I've never seen it before. Wanna come have a marathon with me?
*Hugs you tightly* I wish things didn't suck so much