I saw my doctor last week and he said he might reduce my methadone this week
So on Tuesday he brought the subject up again
I really didn't want to reduce it but I didn't know what to say and I had no reason not to reduce it
I often find that happens me when I go in to the doctor's surgery
I know what I want to say but when I get in there my mind goes blank and I forget everything I want to say
So he reduced my methadone by 5mls
It might not sound like a lot but any change is a big change
I started off on 70mls 9 years ago and over the years have worked my down and am now on 25mls
I came out of the doctors slightly bewildered
And angry with myself for not speaking up
But there's another reason why I don't want it reduced
As you know sometimes I mess around with my meds and take more than I'm supposed to
Being on 25mls leaves me no room at all to mess around
My doctor said that I am very stable and have been for a long time but that couldn't be further from the truth
I'm not one bit stable
Yes, I'm not taking heroin but that's about it
I abuse my methadone and other meds
They are my opt out of reality option
If I am having a bad day all I do is take some more meds and float away in to oblivion
I am not stable at all
My health is not great and my frame of mind is quite fragile
I slipped in to a depression on Tuesday
I was supposed to see Mary but I cancelled
I was just so annoyed at myself for not speaking up and telling him that I didn't feel ready to reduce
Also I have a huge fear that I will use if the methadone detox is not done properly
And I seriously do not want to go back there
I may have another round of addiction in me but I definitely do not have another recovery in me
I just don't
Mary gave me another appointment for Wednesday
I really didn't want to go but I made myself
I had no sooner sat down in the chair before I started to cry
I cried my heart out
Big, fat, salty tears
Mary asked me questions but all I could do was sob
In the end she just sat there silently beside me, handing me tissues
About 15 minutes later I managed to get control of myself and told her about the methadone
She asked me if my doctor had explained to me why he had reduced it
I said no
She explained that more than likely the methadone was to blame for my getting pancreatitis and also my impacted bowel
That my doctor probably thought it was safer to come off it
But even knowing all this, I still don't want to reduce it yet
Mary said that I really need a lot of support right now so she offered to see me 3 times a week and is also arranging for me to see an addiction counsellor
Bless her, she is doing everything she can to help me
I know it would really help me to go to a meeting but I can't seem to muster up the courage to go
I left Mary feeling slightly better
She told me to go and see my doctor of my mood didn't improve
She also suggested that I present at the mental health service if things got worse
So this leaves me in a dilemma
Do I tell my doctor that I've been misusing my methadone and hope that he puts me back on my original dose
Or do I suck it up and try to manage on the reduced dose
I guess this day was always going to come
I'm going to have to come off methadone at some stage
And there's never really a right time
It's always going to be really tough
But I just don't feel in a good enough place to do it right now
I don't feel strong enough
I have a huge fear of relapsing
The thought strikes fear in to my heart
I would much rather he reduced the olanzapine
I've been on methadone for almost 10 years
Ten
Years
Really a person is not supposed to be kept on it for this long
Really it's supposed to be a stepping stone between the drug and sobriety
And now I am completely addicted to it
Physically and psychologically
They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say that it gets in to your bones
I suppose I am afraid that my body has become so used to it that it won't be able to function without it
And now after 10 years I am starting to experience negative side effects
Pancreatitis and impacted bowel are pretty serious
But even knowing that I have these conditions is not enough to convince me to come off it
I am just so very afraid that I will end up using
I would rather die than go back to that life
Sometimes I think back to that time and I can't work out if it was a nightmare or if it really happened
I feel like I am being forced in to this and I am just not ready
I guess I need to be honest with my doctor
I hate to let him down though
If I tell him the truth I will probably have to go back to being supervised but that's a small price to pay
Detox from drugs like heroin and methadone is not pretty
With methadone you probably won't start to detox until a couple of days after you take your last dose
As the last of the drug leaves your system, you will start to experience flu like symptoms
You will start to yawn a lot
Your eyes and nose will start to stream
Then you will get a dull ache in your arms and legs
You try to get comfortable but you can't
You alternate between feeling hot and cold
You feel clammy and constantly sweat
Now you really are feeling it
You feel as weak as kitten
You try to sleep you just can't
It's mental torture
All you can do is toss and turn and pray for this to be all over
Then the vomiting starts
You retch until all that comes up is stomach acid
Then you get diarrhoea
It feels like it will never end
Like your body is trying to turn inside out
This could last from 2 days to a week
So you see why I am trying to avoid this
I need your help here
If you were me what would you do?
Do you think I should tell my doctor the truth?
Or do you have any other suggestion?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
I find the hardest thing for addicts to do is tell the truth. Don't start lying to others or yourself. Ten years is a long time to be one Methadone. Perhaps it is time to reduce. Be honest with your doctor and do not go back to street drugs. Please do not go back to that.
ReplyDeleteI think I will be honest with him
ReplyDeleteI don't really have a choice
By the way I just sent you an email x
I think, and I guess this is the heartless person in me that has lived with an addict, I would say that it's been much much longer than people are supposed to be in it and so I think you should come off it. I think you're afraid of the withdrawal because then you'll start feeling. I prefer Tony on a good day when he's sober. I keep wanting to know when will he be done? I guess that thought comes when I read this. When will you be done and when is the right time? You could probably tell the doctor you have abused your meds but I think when you do it you should have a goal to stop in mind, you know? It's time to take back control for YOU. It's time to live YOUR life. Not anorrxia/bulimia's life. Not substance abuse's life. Yours. I understand that it's also not easy. Tony struggles a lot and obviously by having an eating disorder I do too, but just like you encourage me I'm going to do the same for you. I love you girl. Stay strong and take back your life.
ReplyDeleteIt's true Eve, I'm afraid I won't be able to handle reality and my emotions
DeleteI've numbed them for so long I just don't know how to do deal with them
You are right there is no right time to do this, it's always going to be tough, maybe I should just go with it
The longer I leave it the tougher it will be
I'm trying to take control and take responsibility
Trying to live life on life's terms
Love you too Eve x
Live it in yours. :) healthy ones. I really believe in you girl!
DeleteThanks sweetie x
DeleteRuby, my love... I've been thinking of you a lot lately, so I just wanted to let you know that I wish I wish I wish (oh, and how much!) I could come hold you and hug you so tight for the longest time that you could actually feel the support and all the positive energy and all the love I'm sending your way every day. But for now, all I can physically do is to write you all of this.. I may not comment much, but Ruby.. you can be damn sure you're on my mind, and that's as much a sure thing as the fact that the sun will rise to the sky in the morning, and the world will bathe in the light once again after the darkness of the night fades away.
ReplyDeleteAs for your current situation.. I'm sorry I'm no expert and can't even imagine what this kind of addiction feels like or what the recovery really includes, but it occurs to me that maybe the most sensible way out would just be being straight-forward with your doctor, baby: it will certainly be hard, but speak up, tell him.. I wish I could do something more, something helpful..
I love love love you, Ruby.
You're strong, you're amazing and.. you certainly can recover.
Thinking of you..
Lu.
Thank you sweetheart for your kind words
DeleteIt means more than you know
I think I will have to be honest with my doctor and get out of this web of lies I'm living in
Love you too x
that's the least I can do, my darling.. just feel like I should tell you again simply because I believe one can never say it too often-- I love you and I'm sending as much positive energy as I can gather your way.
Delete<3 stay beautiful, baby, and best of luck telling your doctor
Thanks my dear x
DeleteRuby I am no doctor and I am not you either, but If i was in your shoes I would let the doctor decrease your meds just a little it is not like he can not up them later if they need be. Also you have all the support you need. your mom, Mary 3 times a week and an addiction counselor. USE them. those side effects are pretty serious and it would suck to think that you won (as much as you can win) the fight with drugs up lost because of the meds you need to take. I just want to say I am so jealous of your Mary. I wish I had a Mary shit I wish I had anyone that wasnt 12 and following what her employee hand book to the letter. Stay strong Ruby all these changes are good and look at it this way the doctor is seeing improvement. whether you abuse your meds sometimes or not and that is great!
ReplyDeleteI am blessed to have Mary in my life Linny
DeleteI have seen so many counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is better than them all put together
Hang in there though, hopefully you will find someone who can help you x
I think you should speak to your doctor about these concerns. Really, it's not something to be unsupported in. If you tell him you've been abusing your meds, maybe he'll put your dose back up, or at least be able to support you better cutting back. You won't be letting him down - though you might by not telling him, if things get worse especially.
ReplyDeleteIf your meds are contributing to the pancreatis and bowel impactions, maybe it's time to talk with your doctor honestly. He can help you, and maybe if he knows about the methadone being abused, he might be more able to.
Love you sweetheart. Keep fighting <3 xx
I will Bella, I have to to, I'm living a lie and the only one who will get hurt is me
DeleteI'm feeling a lot better today about things
I think I can get through this
Love you to my dear x
Fuck, I've been there with the rage at yourself for not speaking up when blindsided by something.
ReplyDelete*HugS*
The next round of addiction will be the last. In this state it will probably kill you within a month if you're lucky :/
Yay for Mary helping! Please listen to her. Go to MHS if shit gets worse. I'm so fucking worries I don't have words, just silent nail-biting and twitching 0.0;
I'd say bite the bullet and tell him the truth. He is doing this under the assumption that things are all sunny-mcsunshinepants. He needs the truth so he can help you accordingly. If he doesn't know what's really going on, he could accidentally prescribe something that would leave you a vegetable in combo with your abuse-of-meds dosages.
For me I've found ways to skip out of reality that are less harmful in terms of cost and physical side-effects than drugs. (Fuck, one look at Mum and I never wanted to go that way. The withdrawal rage of an addict who can't get her fix turned on her own fucking kids, and I had to try to save us from her and I couldn't) Less immediately effective and all-consuming, but they don't kill. (Unless I fall on a metal DPN in the night and it goes through my eye. What are the odds on that? o.O I suck at Statistics)
There are other forms of escapism available. 'Conventional' ones like books and movies and making things up. Mate the ed-and-addiction-born storytelling ability with the love of writing and that frankenbaby could help you save yourself.
Tell the truth. It will be hard and it will hurt, but it's the only way to fight yourself free of this hell.
Please? I'm actively saving for a trip to the UK and I wanna come pester you, but you need to live at least 3 more years so I can.
Coz I love you.
*Hugs your legs like an annoying toddler*
I don't know what to say Peri
DeleteI'm trying, I really am
I love you too x
Honey, I'm so sorry that I haven't been around for you, I save all your blogs in a folder, bc they come to my email and tell myself, 'I'll read it after Jayden goes to bed', but then I get on my stepper, or start doing something else.
ReplyDeleteI feel SO guilty.. I hope you'll forgive me..
I think 5mls is too big of a drop, seriously, I am decreasing at a rate of 1ml every 2 weeks. I HAS to be done slowly, if you don't want to feel it and you and I both know that you DON'T want to feel it... I start to get the watery eyes and yawning etc, the first day! I was on a split dose, because my body metabolised the meds too fast (I wish it did that with food!) and pretty much started to come out of my system after 12 hours, instead of 24, but after coming back from England and losing carries because my old doctor represcribed me valium and I didn't have a witnessed last dose (well duh, he only prescribed me enough meth tablets to last half my visit, so I had to reduce, because you can't just get on methodone over there real quick anymore, there's a 6 week waiting list).. It's a long story...
As for you honey, if you think it's too low a dose, then tell him, they can't help you if you don't tell them, my reduction was my own choice, bc I want off ALL my meds, so that I can start trying for a baby (but right now I'm still messing with heroin at times *cries*), you're right, you do NOT want to go there.. it's sad that the HIGHLIGHT of my week is to get my weekly smoking fix =/ *sighs* and I *wait* and *wait* and my days drag until I get it, then it only lasts a day and I'm like, 'all that for a day of using???' but I still do it, like you, in a way, I don't know what I'm going to do when I get to 24/25 mls, bc there won't be any room for messing with the gear, bc I don't have my full carries now. Right now? I'm not ill if I use for up to 3 days, my methodone covers it..
I don't understand how you manage to take more meds one day and have less for the rest of the week..don't you get ill? Maybe you're one of the 'luckier' ones that doesn't feel it for 2 days?
The best thing you can do, is tell him, get a MUCH smaller reduction, like my doctor will even reduce in half mls, seriously. Tell him you're not ready for such a big jump as you're afraid it will cause relapse? In your best interests, you should tell him that you're messing with meds, so that you go back onto supervised, you're likely to get back on unsupervised sooner than you would usually, because you were honest when you didn't have to be... Until you are stable enough to go down a LITTLE at a time, being on 30 and jumping to 25 is CRAZY! I'm on 27 now, I haven't felt anything, even with the using once a week... but, I will start to, the lower I go. I can't tell you what to do, I can't tell you to be completely honest with your doc, because I know I wouldn't be, I fake my samples, disgusting I know, but I freeze pee from when I'm clean, then heat it up under a hot tap and just pray that I don't get caught, I have literally 30 seconds to get the pee out of the bottle into the pee hat, because here we are watched, back home it was easier, because we weren't watched, it's a violation, ugh. I was HORRIFIED when I first had to do a sample at that clinic, anyway... the least you should do for yourself is ask to be reduced way slower, especially at such a critical stage..
Now, we're all grown ups, so I'm gonna talk about poop matter of factly, we all do it and we ALL have problems with it, because we're fucking with our bodies and food etc.. So, as for the impaction, Methadone can be a factor, it certainly doesn't make matters any easier, but the lack of food etc, is the real killer.. there's no food to push the rest of the faeces down. I was once told by a key worker, that a heroin or methadone addict CAN live without constipation and impaction issues, if they look after themselves and their diet.. obviously, only the gear matters, so eating broccoli and fibre rich foods, isn't on your mind.. ever, really. I still have the odd problem, you may remember I had to be put out and had to endure the humiliation of a manual impaction. It was delayed two days, bc I had seen an outpatient specialist about a week before, who said I had to get off the methadone before they would help, because that's what was causing it, but I was in SO much pain, that the methadone was helping with that pain and so I was in a vicious cycle. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to, because I would have vomited my own faeces, my mum told him how she was force feeding me, after seeing me naked, whilst helping me to shower. He said don't do that, there's nowhere for it to go now, but back up. Literally, I would have puked my own crap. I'm SO glad that didn't happen, ugh. When I was rushed to hospital, bc of that doctor say no evac, they pumped me full of laxatives and tried giving me enemas etc first.. I refused the enemas because I knew they wouldn't work at this point and I'd just end up hurting like a bitch. I still had to have a few after though, because there was still a LOT in me that they hadn't got out. And trust me, they got a good few lbs out (which I am ashamed to say, just made me happier that I was lighter)... anyway I am rambling on too much about myself, bc I want to let you know that I relate...
DeleteI certainly hope your problem doesn't go so far. Lactulose and stool softener shit doesn't work (pun not intended), it's not enough. I use sennakot because it doesn't cramp too much and it gets the job done. There is sennakot with a stool softener in it though.. Have you being using laxatives? Safely? I know it's hard, but try to eat fruits and veg and keep them, they're safe foods hun.
I have a shitload of info on shit (pun intended ;), but none on the pancreas, sorry hun.
Wow, I have missed you, probably why this comment is probably longer than your original post! I've been dyyyying to speak to you. I've just been so shit bc of my winter depression. I can't even find the motivation to get online =/ ugh I suck. But, this is not my pity party, I just want you to be safe and happy and NEVER fall into the world of drugs again... That's a big part of why I stay here, in Canada, with no family around me, because I know I would relapse into full blown drug addiction again, if I were to go home... just my little visit proved that, no sooner had I landed, was I pushing money into my mums hand so that she could score for me when she scored for herself and slip it to me later. Fuck, that's so fucked up. I SO wish I had parents like you, supportive and loving and caring and NEVER give up on you, not asking you if you want gear, when you phone to connect and have a meaningful conversation, and I just can *never* say no... So, I understand your fear, for sure.. If I ever split with Renee, I know what my life would return to =/ But you? Ruby, you do NOT have to go back to that life honey. You are STRONG and you have such a supportive network around you. Use it, take advantage and try to be as honest as you can, because it will only help you in the long run, I'm a fucking hypocrite I know, but it's just advice that I wish I could take myself... but, we're good at doing they eh? Telling each other to eat etc, bc we worry so much, while we're starving, bingeing, purging, exercising until we pass out, or whatever.
DeleteAnyway, I am getting out of control with my comment. I just miss you so so much and I know that's MY fault and I want to help in ANY way that I can, please, please email me if you ever need to talk.. I'll send you my other email, bc if I don't check one, I check the other, so CC it to both, lol.
I love you my dear Rubykins, keep fighting the good fight hun.
Yours,
Your loving friend, Ashen x
(ps - as I expected, this is WAY to long, if I cant post it in 2 or 3 comments, I'll post it in my blog and link you, lol).
Did it in 3! Sorry to take over your comment page!! Hope you get a chance to read it, love love love xxx