It seems that a lot of us are struggling at the moment
I read blog after blog and people are really hurting
It truly breaks my heart
And it makes me so angry
Angry at anorexia and bulimia
They are poison
They poison our bodies and our minds and turn our worlds upside down and inside out
The leave a trail of destruction and hurt and pain in their wake
When I read a blog about someone who is just at the start of their eating disorder career it makes me so sad
Sad because I know the misery that lies ahead
It makes me want to shout at them 'Stop!! Stop Now!, Stop before it's too late!!'
I really want to make them see that this is a path they don't want to go down
But I know it's pointless to try and tell someone
They have to experience it for themselves
I've always been someone who has to learn the hard way
Heck, even the horrors of heroin addiction didn't scare me off
I had to do it to find out for myself
Even if someone had spelled out exactly how my life would turn out I still would've done it
As the saying goes 'Curiosity killed the cat'
My ED kind of started accidentally
I didn't seek it out
Anorexia was not on my radar
I wasn't weight conscious
I wasn't trying to lose weight
In fact for the first few years I had anorexia I actually had no idea I had it
I was barely 80 pounds and I had no clue
I figured I was this way because I was on drugs
When doctors first told me I had anorexia I was in major denial
I could barely handle that fact I was a drug addict never mind and eating disorder
It wasn't until I went to drug treatment for the first time that I finally admitted it
There was another girl there called Anna
We became firm friends fast
She had anorexia/bulimia and I could relate to her so much
She gave me the courage to admit that I had a problem but it was really difficult to come to terms with
At the time numbers meant nothing to me
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take notice
The numbers seemed important to them so they became important to me
And now numbers rule my life
Any loss is a triumph
Any gain is crushing
Fast forward 13 years and my life is unrecognisable
Anorexia and bulimia have slowly worn me down over the years
Chipped away at my confidence
Eroded my self esteem
Stamped on my spirit
They have all but broken me
Left me a shell of a person with a cold brittle body
My health is failing rapidly
Everytime I stand up I see stars
The floor tries to pull me down face first
Energy is non existent
Everything is an effort
Most of the time all I can do is lie down
I have no doubt that my ED wants me dead
And I have no doubt it wants you dead
A slow painful death
She will stop at nothing to break you down until all you are is skin and bone
My life today is nothing you could call normal
I look 10 years younger than I really am
I guess I have never really grown up
I've stayed the age I was when I developed my ED
I don't work
I don't go to college
I don't have any friends left
One by one they have all left or I have pushed them away
I don't have a boyfriend
I live with my mother
My ED has stolen all this from me
Taken the life I could have had
I has taken me hostage and the ransom is my life
It's just the way it is
Part of me is resigned to the fact that this is just the way things are
That I can't change
I'm losing hope that I will ever recover
That I can get well
Piece together some semblance of a life
Some sort of sanity
Peace of mind
I'm slipping
Slipping fast
Someone catch me
Please
We are both in free fall. I'm holding out my hands so you know you're not alone and hopefully we are caught in time. love you sweetheart xxx
ReplyDeleteI hope so Milly, I really do x
DeleteI believe you can recover. I believe we all can change. There is someone I love very much who constantly fails to kick her drug abuse (heroin) but you did, and I believe she can too. Perhaps I am naive but I need to believe even if she drags me down, because we are better people together.
ReplyDeleteI hope your girl finds recovery, heroin addiction almost killed and ruined my life, I don't want that for her and I'm sure you don't either
DeleteHang in there x
I should send you a baseball mit. They're good at catching.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I do see a lot of people on here suffering more than triumphing. It makes me feel a bit guilty for saying I'm actually doing well for once. I wish I could just hug everyone out there and actually do something more than just posting and commenting...but that's all I can do so I try to do my best. You know I'm always here and I love you! Do well this week!
Thanks sweetie, I know you are there x
DeleteRuby the blogpost about your dog was amazing. yesterday i thought of you, hey, she needs to volunteer in an animal shelter. just very few hours to begin with, because you are so weak right now, but helping these poor creatures would SURELY help you, too. And you are GREAT with animals that i know for a fact. I can even see you working with them as a proper job.
ReplyDeletexxxx
Mary is always saying that to me Loulou
DeleteI did ring about it but they haven't got back to me yet
I would love to work in a shelter x
I know what you mean hun. I'm slipping at the moment, and I don't know if I can or want to get better. There is always hope though Ruby. Please, grab onto any branch you can to stop yourself from falling.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you sweetheart <3 xx
I'm trying Bella, I really am
DeleteThank you for your continued support, you are a good friend x
Many people care about you...you have me way over here in the USA caring about you and I haven't even had the pleasure of meeting you. But I see your tender heart and compassion from your writing. I know you can do this Ruby! Your doggies need you and we do too. Keep on fighting. (I mailed your package yesterday, first time I have ever mailed something to Ireland!) Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to get it Krystal, thank you! x
DeleteIt's never too late Ruby. Please please let someone catch you and help you to get better. You deserve to be free from this monster, you deserve to let ED slip away from you rather than you slip away. Never ever give up hope, there is always hope. Can you ask for help? I believe you can recover from this illness xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely for believing in me
DeleteI believe in you too x
You are a beautiful disaster. I wish i could pick you up and hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. For my illness my biggest "break" or freedom is playing at the park. Swings, monkey bars, tires, whatever. I just play and kick sand and smile. Somehow it helps. It lets me be an innocent child again, free from the pain of mental illness. I cherish you and I read every day hoping you realise how precious you truly are.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely description Vanessa, I love that
DeleteThank you for reading and for being there x
You have held on to hope for so long already, you cannot lose it now.
ReplyDeleteI heard an amazing interview with the author of this book (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/054784865X/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER) yesterday. I was going to just buy it and post it to you, but then I thought that you might feel upset by reading that sort of thing, so I wanted to ask you first. I know that you have overcome your illicit drug addiction, but it seems that the methadone is maybe not working the way that it was intended to. And since that is all related to your ED... I don't know, it was just a thought. The author spoke on a show called "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross if you want to look up the interview.
Love you lots, Ruby. Keep your chin up so I can come see you this summer...
I would love to read that book
DeleteI am actually looking for something to read at the moment so I would love to
How I would love to see you, that would be amazing
Are you going to be in France this summer? x
I'm so sorry you're hurting. But don't lose hope--you CAN and deserve to recover and be happy. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI still have a sliver of hope Alie
DeleteI am holding on to that
Take care of you too x
Slow creeping poison that kills you from the inside out.
ReplyDeleteBy the time it shows on the surface, your heart and spirit are long broken.
They have to fix them from the outside in.
Get the bodies functioning to the point where the brain begins to wake up again and you have the ability to concentrate and think about things beyond sheer survival.
Every calorie counts, Ruby love. Every calorie you keep in counts towards healing your body and your brain and your heart and your soul. It is chemical energy that powers the furnace nurturing the phoenix egg inside you.
You're a phoenix, don't fucking forget it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAio8cUG-4U
Love you <3
Grrr, doctors make me SO mad! Ffs, they did the same thing to me in a way... I mean, I ALWAYS hated my weight, so there fuel for the fire there, drugs took away the weight, initially, not anorexia and the same for you, I feel?
ReplyDeleteEVERY drug addict is thinking of nothing but drugs, not food, not nourishing the body, even when smoking or injecting their hit, they're worrying about where the next is coming from... It is *inevitable* that you are going to lose weight.. I feel that those 'doctors' actually kind of gave you the anorexia, by labelling you. If a professional labels you, you almost want to live up to that label. The expectations of that label. I think, if they hadn't labeled you, you *might* not be living this hell... but, then again, with our addictive personalities, you may have found it yourself.. like I did. You were an anorexic weight. You didn't have anorexic feelings, until, like you say, they started focusing on it, so you started focusing on it. I was an anorexic weight and I never wanted to get fat again, so for years I was able to not let that happen. I was 69lbs and not labeled anorexic, because that is what drugs do to you, yes by that point I was realising the numbers already, and enjoying them going down. I wish they'd never said that to you Rubykins, and then maybe you wouldn't be living this hell... but, like I said, maybe you still would be.
Love x
Actually, I'm ashamed to say... I started using, in part (in huge part) to lose weight.. because my dad and all his junkie friends were *skinny* and I wanted to be skinny... heh
DeleteReading about people at the beginning of their ED is also painful for me. I just want to reach out and stop them from hurting themselves but it wouldn't work, you're right.
ReplyDelete