It's Sunday morning here in Galway
We're heading home in a couple of hours
I have to admit I am relieved to be going home
These days I am not a social butterfly
More like an anti social caterpillar
The book launch was a huge success
And I am truly delighted for my brother
But this weekend was quite testing for me
4 days of lunches, drinks, dinners, family
I did as much as I could but I opted out of dinner a couple of times
The one thing that nearly drove me insane was having no weighing scale
For all I know I could've gained 5 pounds
The first thing I do when I get home will be to jump on my scale
Please be kind scale
Two people told me that I look really well
Any normal or sane person would be delighted to hear this
But not me
When I hear the words 'really well' all I can think of is that I must look healthy and in other words fat
The first night we were out of drinks and my uncle shouted across to me
'Ruby you look really well, a lot better than you did in Italy'
I didn't know what to say so I just looked at him trying not to explode
My other uncle said
'You can't give Ruby a compliment'
So in the end I just said 'Thank you'
At this point I must tell you that in Italy I weighed almost a stone heavier
I just don't know how I could look better
I was still wondering this the next day so when we were out for a walk I asked my uncle why he thought I looked better now
He didn't really give me an answer so I decided to file it under 'I don't give a crap' in the back of my head
Even though I was around family most of the weekend, I still found time to binge and purge
It's not the easiest thing in the world doing that in someone else's house
You could be interrupted at any time
So I chose my moments carefully and I don't think anyone was the wiser
Although my brother might notice some food missing
I guess I dealt with the whole weekend better than I thought I would
I always seem to find that the thoughts of something are worse than the actual event itself
What I did notice though was how shy I've become
Even around my own family
This is what happens when you spend most of your days alone
You forget how to interact with others
You forget how to laugh
My family spend a lot of time taking the piss out of each other and I even forget how to do that
They all seem so easy around each other and I feel a bit disconnected
Like I am behind glass looking in at them
I suppose being social is something you have to practise
The more you do it the easier it becomes
I think that's why I like blogging so much
I feel much better able to write than to speak
I am glad that I came though
I'm glad I pushed through that fear and the anxiety
As I said before my brother and his girlfriend have been a massive support tome over the years so I really wanted to do this
My brother and his girlfriend have been together for 20 years and she is like a sister to me
She told that she read some of my blog after I came out of hospital as she wanted to see how I was doing
I feel a bit weird about family reading this blog as I don't want them to worry
I try not to censor what I write and I'm sure some of it can be a bit shocking to see what is going on inside my head
So yea I'm glad I pushed myself and didn't let things stop me from coming
It was a good weekend even if bulimia did make an unwanted appearance
It was great to see my brother so happy
He deserves this
He has worked so hard
And it's great to have something to celebrate for a change
I'll post properly tomorrow
All my love x
I'm glad you had a good weekend!
ReplyDeleteWhen you're an anti-social caterpillar being a social butterfly for a few days does wonders for the soul. It's hard but you come out of it feeling better about everything, I think. At least I hope that's what happened to you.
Ah, another social moth (I am not a social butterfly either)! People may have difficulty understanding what it's like for you, but I'm sure your brother and his wife know how much thoughtfulness and effort it took to come celebrate this time with them. Hope the scale is kind to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a good weekend dearest Ruby. I can imagine it would be hard. I'm horrible at socializing, though not with my family (not that I have much *extended* family except for an eldery great aunt and uncle). But I struggle to even be social with an old friend, let alone a group of them (it led to sooo much panic on my part...).
ReplyDeleteWhen people tell you you look well or healthy, it feels devastating. Why people seem to do it more when we're *not* doing well is beyond me. Good on you for being to file it under "IDGAC"
The whole aspect of being out-and-about at an event like that sounds daunting, with the food and the socialness and trying to force a smile. But I'm happy to hear you pushed through, despite your ED. It's not something we can put in a drawer and leave behind, no more than any other mental illness. All we can do is try to cope the best we can, and if you dealt with it better than you thought you would, it sounds like you did that.
Lots of love to you sweetheart. Try not to fret on a little gain on the scales. Remember you've lost a lot recently; it's only a drop in the ocean. Big hug <3 xx
Well done, Ruby! You made it! I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, I creep away from social gatherings. I hate the stares and comments about how fat I've gotten disguised as fake compliments as to how 'good' I look. It always gets back to me what some people are really saying behind my back, because there is always that one friend who will blab. I make a point of never telling her anything!
I think family members feel the urge to give sufferers compliments to encourage their recovery. They don't mean to sound insincere, it's just their way of showing they care. It's rather sweet, really. Saying thank you was the right thing to do. It shows you appreciate them and are not dismissive of their opinion, even if you think what they are telling you is a total lie.
I totally get the forgetting how to interact with others. I sometimes feel I have a better relationship with my cat! Like she's the only one who gets me!
Hope you are well, Ruby.
Much love. :)
I feel weird about having people I know read my blog aswell, also I tend to run away as far as I can from social events. And, umm, I live in Galway! Was the book launch part of Cúirt?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you had a good time at the book release.
ReplyDeleteAs for what you said about spending most of your days alone, and thene venf eeling awkward around your own family, that is exactly how I feel. That is how it is for me all the time, around anyone (except my boyfriend). I don't think it even has anything to do with Ana, just how I am. It makes me sad sometimes, but I always feel so awkward when I try to change it. Xx
Lol I'm an anti-social snapping turtle. Miles said last night that he's glad I communicate and don't throw temper tantrums, I said I do and they they're easily solved coz all I need is a cuppa and to be left the fuck alone for a few hours.
ReplyDeleteI'm so fucking proud of you for pushing yourself and opting out of what would have been a push too far. *Huggles*
Fuck the scales. Just fuck them with a sledgehammer.
Nope, not 'fat' but 'less like a zombie/walking corpse/animated cadaver' LESS DEAD and not MORE FAT, silly ruby-ed-brain!
Social skills are like any other kind of skill, if you don't use it, you lose it :(
Practise taking the piss out of me! I don't mind if it's for a good cause :D Besides, I have a really dark sense of humour and a lot of 'Your Mum' and 'That's what SHE/HE said' to retort with :p
Time for more celebrations, yeah?
*hugs you tightly* Love you Ruby <3
I think most of us with unsensored blogs feel weird about having relatives and people close to us read them. That is the whole reason I went private (the private blog being the third blog). I have stopped writing in the other two.
ReplyDeleteI am glad there wasn't a scale. You shouldn't worry about gaining a few pounds. I know easier said then done. If you do gain a few think as them as a cushion to allow you to continue seeing Mary. You really need that. You don't want to loose her help.
Being social can feel strange when we are out of practice. If you continue doing it you won't think so much about it. Each event won't feel like a first date. Glad you enjoyed yourself.