It's a relief to be back in my safe little bubble
Where reality is suspended and I have complete control over everything
I really had to push myself this weekend
As I said in my last post my ED did not want me to go
She screamed in my ear at the top of her lungs not to go
I could've easily backed out but I didn't
I really wanted to be there
And I'm so glad that I did go
I would've been angry with myself if I didn't
I did manage to enjoy myself
I chatted with my family
I ate lovely food
I smiled (albeit forced)
I laughed
Fake it 'til you make it as they say
I wore my new skirt and jumper
I did my hair and applied make up
I supported my brother
Isn't it always the way that the thoughts of something are worse than the actual event itself?
Bulimia did make an appearance though
On Friday my family went in to town and I opted out
I binged and purged multiple times
It's a strange experience binging and purging in someone else's house
I couldn't really relax for fear of someone coming home and catching me mid binge
I got through quite a lot of food
Food that didn't belong to me
But in that moment before a binge, I feel so crazed and ravenous for food, that who it belongs to just doesn't come in to it
I remember a few years ago I was sharing a flat with 3 girls in Dublin
I was 19 and although I wasn't aware of it yet, I already had an ED
We each had our own cupboards for food
I used to take the other girls food and then watched as they argued and blamed each other
It was really confusing because I didn't know why I was doing it
I just had this huge compulsion to eat and I couldn't stop myself
The other thing that I found especially difficult this weekend was the whole social thing
I am so out of practise so I found it a bit of a strain
There are members of my family who I an completely comfortable around but there are others who I don't
Plus they were all drinking and I don't drink alcohol so I didn't even have that to relax me
I hate not feeling comfortable in my own skin
I kind of stayed on the fringes of conversation
They talked and I mainly listened
I wish that I had a bit more confidence
To be able to walk in to a room and be able to talk to anyone
I guess everyone struggles a bit socially
I did my best though and that's all I can do
It's funny, the place where I have ever felt the most comfortable was in treatment, which was a psychiatric hospital
It wasn't a typical hospital though
This one was for people with money or insurance
The ward I was on was called St Brigid's
It wasn't just for ED patients
There were all kinds of people in there
People with anxiety or depression and other illness
I felt so free when I was in there
There was always someone to talk to and they understood exactly how I felt
People were so open about their problems and that was such a breath of fresh air
We cried
We laughed
We helped each other
Supported each other
I was myself and it felt amazing
I could take off my mask and just be Ruby
But in the real world people aren't so open
I miss that feeling
It was incredibly difficult not being able to weigh myself for the past 4 days
Of course in my head I imagined that I had gained 20 pounds
When I got home the first thing I did was weigh
I find weighing very anxiety provoking
Because I know the effect those numbers can have on my mood and self esteem
I hate that those numbers have so much power over me but they do
I stripped and carefully stepped on the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
The red numbers flickered and then settled
I had gained a grand total of 1 pound
Relief flooded through my body
I just couldn't handle any more than that
Since returning home I've been binging and purging non stop
I can't stop
I don't know how to stop
It's a relentless cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up........
I have a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
It's soul destroying
Draining
It leaves me mentally and physically exhausted
But I don't know how to stop
I'm spending a small fortune on food these days
I'm paranoid that the people in the shop know what I'm doing with all this food
Please bulimia just give me one day off
A chance to recharge my batteries
I just need a rest
Some peace of mind
I want to get off this merry-go-round
This has to stop
It has to
I can't take another day with my head stuck in a toilet bowl
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the toilet water and I don't recognise myself anymore
I just a girl with papery skin and dead eyes
She's dead on the inside
She's lost
She's alone
She's afraid
She's me
I get the feeling that this out of control binge is a reverberating effect of your weekend. That sort of led me to have this idea and you can try it or maybe think about it. You should write down every situation or thing that comes to mind right away that makes you feel out of control and then under each write WHY that makes you feel out of control. It's really enlightening to see our feelings just out there and sometimes opens a damn for free flowing stuff. Emotions and feeling like you aren't out of control are like working out; you have to exercise it and increase your fitness level. I just know that this shouldn't be as stressful as it was and know that it really can be terrifying going to a relative's or going on outings and having to eat three meals and having your regular schedule messed with. The best thing is to expose it and make it have to accept the light, so to speak. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteI don't want you to live in this much emotional atrophy and this much discomfort you know?
Go a little easier on yourself dear. Love you!
Big hug.
I get feeling lost, afraid and alone... except I know I do it to myself.
ReplyDeleteI know the weekend must've been very challenging for you, but you made it through the best you could. Maybe the B/P cycle since coming home is a way of releasing the stress that was building up over the weekend, when you couldn't 'relieve' the stress at the time.
ReplyDeleteYou look gorgeous by the way; it's a very cute outfit.
Lots of love dear *hugs* xx
funny how you felt about the people in the psychiatric hospital, i find that in the outside world, where people have everything to lose, most people don't ever really open up, whereas in similar places like this hospital, i have found the most open, most genuine and most understanding people. Makes me wonder who is sane now. x
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that things have been difficult; both with the travels and now that you've returned. I really hope you're able to connect up with Mary, or reach out and get some help in breaking the current cycle. I really hope you're able to get the support you need. Do take care and treat yourself kindly!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to go on the trip to celebrate your brother, even though it was very difficult (on that note, I daresay it would have been more difficult/dangerous for you to stay home completely alone, no?). Are you seeing Mary this week?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you feel so lost - just remember you're not alone, ok? I may be far away, but I am here for you.
Isn't it weird-that feeling when you come home from a trip that says, "Phew, now I feel safe and in control again." There's something about being in familiar surrounds and routine that's relaxing in a way!
ReplyDeleteI also struggle with being social- there are always people you feel very comfortable around and you could talk to them all day, but for me, the majority of people don't fall into that category. I wish I could walk into a crowded room and be an outgoing social butterfly as well, but for some people, it's just not in their personality to be super outgoing.
I hope that one day the control bulimia has over you will be gone forever and whatever the scale says will have absolutely no impact on your mood. ♥
I'd come stay sober on the sidelines to provide decent conversation for you :) And another person to laugh at the drunks making dicks of themselves (ALWAYS good for birthday blackmail-speeches!)
ReplyDeleteYou felt comfortable there because everyone around you knew what kind of shit you were going through and understood (more or less) and you didn't have to hide it.
Fuck being social, I like cats more then people :p
I hope you can win some hours for YOU back from bulimia soon. She's a fucking abusive cow who doesn't deserve even the miniscule amount of time and energy it would take to give her the one-finger salute.
Love you Ruby <3