It's hard to believe it's been a full year
Reading back on early entries, I can see that I was in quite a different place then
It was something verging on pro ana
I wrote things like
'I will be skinny'
'I'm starting a fast today'
Coincidentally my weight is now back at just below the weight I was when I started this blog
A lot has happened in the last year
And yet nothing has really changed
I started seeing Mary and she has been a massive support
I gained weight steadily over the year
And then lost it all in the space of two months
I travelled to Italy for my cousin's wedding
I spent a month in Australia visiting my sister
I spoke at an eating disorder conference
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
It has been a roller coaster of emotions
Thrilling highs
Crippling lows
There were times when I thought I couldn't go on
Just last night I fantasized about death
I had an argument in my head about whether or not I should do it
But even in my darkest hour, something always stops me
Whether it's the impact it would have in my family
Or just blind faith that things will get better
I have to believe that things will turn around
I have to believe that I can recover
Otherwise what is the point?
I started reading blogs long before I started my own
The first blogs I came across were Yummy Secrets
2Medusa (which unfortunately is no longer running)
And Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
I was amazed to find people who were just like me
Who thought the same way
Had the same behaviours
I wasn't a freak
I wasn't alone
I was inspired by other bloggers to tell my story
And last May that's exactly what I did
I started to write
I wrote and wrote and I soon found that I loved it
I am not a great speaker so writing is perfect for me
I can get my thoughts out at my own pace
At the time of starting my blog I was just out of treatment
Having had a bad experience in there I felt disillusioned and a bit lost
I wrote and I soon found a whole community of people just like me and they embraced me with open arms
I still remember getting my first comment (from Pretty Lies) and my first follower
I was blown away that people took the time the read what I had written
That I could be in touch with people thousands of miles away
I've met some truly amazing and inspiring people through my blog
Some of the most caring, creative, loving, talented people
This blog gave me a much needed place to express my thoughts and feelings
A place to vent
To unload the weight of this illness
Having pushed all my real life friends away, I found new friends here
And you all have kept me going
Helped me get through the last year
This blog and you all have saved my life over and over again
You will never know how each and every one of you have kept me sane
When I thought I was losing my mind, you were there to assure me that I wasn't
When I was on the edge, you pulled me back
When I thought I couldn't face another day in the midst of this illness, you gave me hope
When I was weak, you gave me strength
When I felt worthless, you were there with kind words
It means the world to me to have this support
So this post is a thank you to you
Thank you for being there this past year
For listening
For reading
For caring about me more than I care about myself
For believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself
For reminding me to keep hoping
For encouraging me to fight
For making me smile
For understanding when I made no sense at all
For supporting my decisions
For not judging me
For accepting me
For telling me the truth even when it's hard to hear
For telling me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear
For your unwavering support
For your compassion
Kindness
For staying when others walked away
And ultimately, for inspiring me every single day
Happy one year blog-a-versary! :) You've definitely had quite a year- going places, experiencing new things, growing and changing. I'm glad that, when you think about death, something always stops you. Even though sometimes it may seem nothing will ever get better, is always does. Like the quote that says, "When you've hit rock bottom, good, you have a solid foundation."
ReplyDeleteThat's what I really love about having started a blog- you are able to meet people from across the world, connect with people who are like you, and be apart of a family or sorts. Some people one befriends on the internet are closer friends than the people one may meet in real life!
Ruby when I read your blog I can relate so so much, your drug use your thoughts your feelings and it makes me see that I am not alone. I too feel a sense of security when I receive a comment and also helps with the thoughts that I am not the only one. I look forward to reading your blog because in your writing I can see you have come a long ways. They may not all be up beat and positive but in your writing there is a underlining hope to it. Take care and best wishes!
ReplyDeleteAAAAAHHHHH omg!! You are the sweetest thing!! I already knew cuz I think you told me one time that I was you're first comment/follower, but still, that's awesome! Because I didn't even know it at the time. I have no idea how I came across your blog...I think you commented on mine? I follow everyone that follows me, mostly. Ok, anyway, I have to get ready for class now, but I loves ya, take care, make today a good one. :)
ReplyDeleteRuby... I loved you from the very moment I started reading your blog, and you can trust me-- that love will never disappear. You have come such a long way in this past year, and I'm incredibly proud of you. You will never cease to inspire me.
ReplyDeleteLove always,
Lu.
Happy one year blog anniversary!! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do have something to say. I don't feell like I should be thanked or appreciated for anything regarding your blog. Yes, unread every post you write and fine some peace and comfort in the things you say. Or at least I think I do. But I am so bad at supporting and comforting. I have been fairly new to your journey and I haven't really contributed much in the way of support. I am really bad at commenting.
So, while I am happy for you in every way possible and I will keep reading your blog, don't thank me. Xx
Happy blogging anniversary! Mine's coming up in a month.
ReplyDeleteThe support from this community, including you, always blows me away. Thank *you* for always being there with true but kind words, for your support, for always getting my mind ticking, for giving me that 'maybe-I'm-not-so-alone' feeling.
Sending lots of love and a massive hug <3 xx
i think it is great to be able to look back and see how things have changed. i always enjoy reading old post. somehow i always think i write better in the past. even if yesterday becomes the past so quickly.
ReplyDeletei aways look back and say i didn't write enough. i didn't capture the moments. so keep writing and keep evolving.
Happy Blog-anniversary!!! It's been really wonderful to get to know you through your blog. Your honesty is refreshing and helps me know that I'm not the only one with these thoughts and experiences. You have a real gift for writing too! Keep sharing and hang in there! You've got tons of supportive readers who love you and are here for you! Take care!
ReplyDeleteWow, it's only been a year? I feel like I've known you forever and not long enough. You're one of the best people I've ever had the pleaseure to meet on cyberspace and I hope you stick around for a damn long time.
ReplyDeleteI want you to find your way to the happiness you deserve.
Love you so much Ruby <3