I've made a decision
I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
I have to
This has gone on for far too long
I've lost too much
I can't afford to lose anymore
I've lost 12 years to this illness
12
Years
Starting tomorrow I'm waging a war against my eating disorder
I'm going to kick her ass in to next week
I know she will fight back but I know her too well
I know her tricks
I know how she manipulates me
I can fight dirty too
I'm going to try and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
I'm going to choose my foods carefully
Avoid binge food
Distract after eating
The temptation to lose weight is still very much there
But I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I want to want to get well
I want to break out of this prison
I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty
I want to eat and not have the overwhelming urge to purge
I want to eat and not want to kill myself
I want friends
I want to go to the cinema and eat buttery popcorn
I want to laugh until my sides hurt
I want to cry salty tears
I want to be able to feel emotion without wanting to escape
I want to be able to cope
I want to feel good about myself
I want to look in the mirror and not want to smash it
I want like and accept myself
I want to grow up
I want to be independent
I want peace of mind
For me and my family
I want to stand up and not feel like the floor is pulling me down face first
I want to learn
I want to love
I want to dance and not care whose watching
I want to write
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to help others in the same position as me
I want my parents to be proud of me
I want to take my meds properly
I want to have a purpose
I want to have fun
I don't want to be afraid all the time
I don't want to measure my self worth by the numbers on the scale
I don't want to live in this limbo
I don't want to live in a constant state of anxiety
I don't want to be bitter and resentful
I don't want to have regrets
I don't want to live this half life
I don't want to give up
I don't want to want to die
I don't want to care what others think about me
I want to learn how to cope
I want to realise that everything can't be solved by taking pills
I want to feel that I'll be ok
I want to be a better person
I want to stop shoplifting
I want to make my own decisions
I want to to wake up in the morning and think 'I don't want to die today'
I feel a sliver of hope
Mary says that she knows I can do it
That I can get well
And for the first time in a long time, I think that too
Maybe I can do this
Maybe my ED has been lying to me
Maybe I can put the jigsaw that is my life back together
Maybe all is not lost
I don't doubt that this thing will kill me if I don't take action
I'm afraid to recover but I'm more afraid to stay this way
All I can do is try
Do my best
I think I want to live
I think I really do.....
I'm so proud of you, Ruby!!!
ReplyDeleteJust remember, every day is a not a high. There will be peaks and valleys and days where you want to give up. We are behind you 100% of the way! All of this is doable.
I passed a church today with a sign that said, "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step." Start realistically and don't set yourself up for failure. Don't let your ED set you up for failure.
Huge huge hug!
GO YOU RUBY!!! You are so amazing, so incredible and so strong. You can do this, and I totally believe in you that you will come out the other side, ready to live a wonderful life that you more than deserve. I am so proud of your decision; it is such a brave and courageous step that you're taking. Your ED will fight back and it will be tough, incredibly tough, but you are strong enough to get through that. And anyway, the fighting back is a good sign, because is shows that you're fighting for your own life, for yourself, and ED hates that and is bound to feel stronger. But the more you fight, the fainter ED will become. I'm so unbelievably happy for you! I've just set up a page on my blog with motivational and inspirational images if you want to have a browse to help you along? http://adiostoanorexia.blogspot.co.uk/p/inspiration-and-motivation.html
ReplyDeleteAlways here for you Ruby, if you're struggling, never hesitate to reach out for help. Hugs and love xxx
I'm so happy to see this Ruby dearest. You are so strong, you CAN do this! I'm so so so proud of you. It's been a long time coming and I hope this works for you. You can fight harder than your ED, and you have a lot of support behind you incase you start to lose ground. You know what you need to do; now do it.
ReplyDeleteHUUUUGE hugs and lots of love dear <3 xxxx
This sent chills down my spine!
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN DO ITTTTTTTT!
Whatever you need, just ask. Anything. I will come visit you in Ireland if that's what you need!
I am so proud of you! I'm so proud of hearing that you want to recover and that you want to live. I will be rooting for you, and I'll try to support you in any way and every way that I can. You can do this. You CAN kick Ana's ass! I believe in you! :D
ReplyDeleteOf course you want to live, and you should. This post made me so happy Ruby. You can do this.
ReplyDelete<3
This post literally made me grin and tear up at the same time. I've been reading your blog for a while now. I've lost 12 years to this monster too. 12... god... over a decade. I wish I was as brave as you are.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard, awkward, messy, difficult and ultimately brilliant.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth fighting for, Ruby. Your life is worth fighting for.
I'm here on your side in this war.
Nothing can stop you once you put your mind to it.
Because you are you are you are FANTASTIC.
*huggles*
Amen to that, sister!
Deletei am happy and proud and i DO believe you can make this!!! hugs & love & kisses!!
ReplyDeleteYes!!
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes yes :)
Ruby I know you have the fight in you to do this. Reread your quote in the about me section, you have been preparing yourself for this. Please remember that much like recovery from drugs it is all about the moment. Each momment counts so if you take a step back that is ok you just move on from it. You can do this!
ReplyDelete