I just don't know what else to write or what else to do
Mu aunt has been here for the past week so I had to be very sneaky about my binging and purging
Maybe that's why I've been doing it at night
We dropped her off the airport yesterday
Sunday is usually my worst day
I thought that because I had been out all day that I had got away with it
But when I came home that evening, the binge purge monster reared it's ugly head
The kitchen was already stocked from the day before so I had plenty of food to hand
I started off slow
Tried to convince myself that I would only do it once
But the more I ate, the more I purged
The more I purged the more I ate
I get in a state where I'm like a zombie or a robot
Mechanically preparing food
Eating on auto pilot
I don't even taste the food
I'm already on my way to the bathroom with the last bite in my mouth
And when I get in to that state I can't stop
I literally can't stop
I have this massive compulsion for more, more, more
An insatiable appetite
The food never tastes as good as I think it will
In my head it will be the best food I've ever tasted
But in reality it's just cheap supermarket crap
I prepare food that take a short time to cook and a long time to eat
All washed down with lashings of 7up free
All the better to purge with my dear
After finally going to sleep at about 2am this morning, I remember thinking that this is the last time I do this
I remember vowing to start afresh today
Monday being the start of a new week and a new Ruby
But then it's Monday and all my resolve floats away
The binge purge monster has had a nights sleep and is ready for another round
I went shopping with my mother this morning
It was plainly obvious that I was planning a binge as I went to 4, yes 4 shops to stock up on food
If she hadn't been there I would've not paid for it
I'm literally spending all my money on food and I hate that
Such a waste
So now it's early afternoon and the fridge is stocked
The thought of another day on this merry-go-round makes me want to go back to bed and sleep forever
No matter how much I eat it's never enough
It reminds me of my drug using days
I was always a greedy addict
One is too many and a thousand never enough, as they say
It's hard for me to admit to this behaviour
Who wants to admit they are entangled in a messy love affair with food
I think most people on some level can understand alcoholism and drug addiction
Even sex and love addiction
But ED's and food addiction?
I think very few understand
Only those who have been through it really know
And it's very difficult to explain to someone without sounding just a bit insane
Dealing with food issues can be trickier than drug or alcohol addiction
With drugsI could completely cut them out of my life
I moved to get away from old friends
I started afresh
A whole new life
But with food it's not that simple
I can't cut food out completely
Well I could but that would defeat the purpose
I have to find a healthy balance
I don't have to be around drugs
But food is everywhere
And because it's so readily available, it's that much harder to resist
I find that once I start eating I find it next to impossible to stop
That's why I stopped eating
Because I was so afraid of spinning out of control
And I do feel totally out of control
It's a scary feeling
I'm not being 100% honest with Mary
I think she thinks I am doing a lot better than I am
I haven't been keeping the food records she asked me to keep
I'm too ashamed to show or tell anyone about my eating habits
I don't know how much more she can do to help me
2 hours a week is not enough
And I know what she will say
What she has being saying since day one
If I eat regularly then I won't binge, then I won't purge
It sounds so simple
So easy
Then why the freakin' hell can't I do it
Billions of people all around the world manage to do it every single day
But you might as well ask me to climb Mount Everest in a bikini
So I'm throwing the question over to you
What helps you?
How do manage to overcome binging/purging and restricting?
How do you fight the monster that is this illness?
Any suggestions welcome
don't be ashamed! there is nothing to be ashamed of! ever heard someone say they were ashamed of heartfailure? a tumor? etc etc? you are ill darling and it's the illness that is so hard to stop. I can only speak from my experience that i started to stop purgeing by leaving it to one purge before bed. I tried to have healthy low cal food throughout the day and engaged in one single purge in the evening. a gigantic, massiv, horrid one. but by leaving it at this "once a day" rule i somehow started to feel fuller much sooner. I remember the first time the binge fest started to meke me FEEL sick, and i could not continue. Then i started Uni in london and i simply did not have the money or did not want to spent that much money on food. I guess I was lucky and in the end things fell into place. But when i was still living with my parents i was just like you described it. I think getting busy with something and starting to reduce the frequency worked for me. It was VERY hard. But throughout the day, when i was eally craving bad ffod and a binge, i said to me slef keep busy, you WILL be able to do it in the evening! And today, 10 years into my ED (started when i was 16) i still struggle sometimes. I slipped back several times, but i resurfaced. Again and again. I hope i made sense. I always try not to concentrate on the ED too much in order not to slip back. I wish i could help. In my case it helped to still have a "one binge per day rule", just like a daily methadone dose, maybe, to pick up your analogy and also to distract and stay busy busy busy, i might be hard because you are soo weak and you still have the addiction to deal with, but maybe you and Mary can figure something out.
ReplyDeleteAnd do not forget - you are not seeing her to please Mary - Mary is seeing you to help YOU!
Kisses &
Love, L.
pls excuse the typos, was commenting from my phone
Delete<3 <3 <3
That's good advice Loulou and in fact Mary says that to me also, to keep busy
DeleteAnd of course I do find I purge less on days that I have something on
I would love to back to college but I haven't been in education for so long I forget what it's like
But yes, I do need to find things to do so my ED isn't all encompassing
Yes, I think I have to honest with Mary
It's no use going in and playing things down
That's just wasting my time and hers
I know that I can't go on like this
I just purged once and the thought of doing this the whole day long is just too much to bear
Thanks for your 2 cents
I know you've been exactly where I am
Hope you're ok
Love to you x
Restricting is one of those things you can't do enough of. You could inhale dust and be upset! My solution is working out. I know this could end good or bad but I always have to be pushing my limits so that means food to actually be able to lift or run. I also love the results of being more toned. Oh, and it's a natural high. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's always a good time to start stopping. I know you say it never comes but it can if you do small, realistic things. For example, I absolutely adore ice cream. I've also found it's the best food in the world to purge. I avoid this food because 1. It's not nutritionally necessary and 2. It will trigger a potential desire to b/p. Easy. Don't buy it or keep it around. The next thing I do is I make sure if I want some, I have to eat it with a friend or family me member so that I won't go purge and so that I have to take a serving and enjoy that serving.
It's really important that you don't get hopeless and you don't assume it's too hard. It DOES require accountability and the willingness to have support during this. It's NOT too hard.
You gotta stop Ruby. You're destroying your body which I know sounds crappy but doesn't register. Baby steps out of the whole!
<3
I'm constantly putting of the day to get well
DeleteIt's always tomorrow
Just one more day
You are right when you say I need to take responsibility
It's my life and it's up to me to do something
Recovery is not just going to happen, I have to make it happen
I know I'm killing myself
I need to stop
Thanks Eve x
I worry that maybe Mary isn't enough at the moment. If the only advice she can give is to 'eat normally', it could be worth seeking a more specialized therapist, even to work alongside Mary in a team.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have been teetering on the edge of recovery for so long, and I'm worried you'll fall off unless you really work to hold on. Please don't let your ED kill you, especially not while you're on the edge of recovery. You can get there, but you have to be proactive about it. Don't wait, because the health consequences of your ED certainly won't. Beat it before it beats you.
Sending lots of love and a ton of hugs <3 xx
I will speak to Mary tomorrow to see what my options are
DeleteI have to do something
You are right when you say I am on the edge of recovery
I've flirted with it for a long time now
I just need to make a decision one way or another
Lots of love to you too lovely x
The only way I survive is distraction. I used my ED as a distraction from my life and now I am looking for a distraction from my life which became my ED.
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, the only thing that truely works is honesty. It sucks but it is true. If I have to hide it, it is wrong.
Be strong, be honest.
I think I have to be honest now Josie
DeleteHonest with myself and Mary
She can't help me if she doesn't know what's going on
Hope you're ok x
I can really relate to this post! My binges are much the same, the food never tastes like I hope it will and halfway through, I'm so disappointed that I end up chewing and spitting the rest. Otherwise, my compulsive eating makes me do horrible things to myself. I think I punish myself by not purging. I force myself to sit there with the agony of indigestion and a spastic colon for being so stupid as to binge. It's like somehow, I feel I deserve the pain. I must agree, I also spend all my money on food. Such a dreaful waste!
ReplyDeleteI'm in no position to offer any advice without sounding like a total hypocrite, but the only way to avoid the binge monster is to physically apply yourself. What has worked for me in the past is talking myself into good habits and forcing myself to eat small meals regularly. However, I seldom get it right. I give up too quickly, I guess. I have one bad day, say "Oh, fuck it!" and go back to my old ways and hating myself. Hence me feeling like a hypocrite! I think I really need to let myself off the hook more, but my OCD doesn't like it! It's just easier for me to be a self loathing loser and I'm all about following the path of least resistance! Hence me giving in to binges! Oy!
I agree with your reply to Eve: "Recovery is not just going to happen, I have to make it happen", but it's hard when all I really want to do is lie down and die, but it's not the answer.
I hope we both find the motivation to carry on and get through somehow. Thinking of you. Much love. :)
I'm glad but also sad that you can relate Jeanne
DeleteYou are right, it's such a waste of money, time and energy
I am so over living this way
It's getting old
It's getting boring
It's sucking the life right out of me
Yes, Mary is always telling me to eat small and often
However I haven't really given this a fair go
I'm not sure what is stopping me but something is
I hope you find a way out, I really do
Take care x
I think what's stopping us all is not fear of failure, but rather fear of success. Success is new and it's very frightening, if you ask me.
DeleteThanks so much, I hope you find a way out, too. :)
I think that's really true
DeleteI know I'm used to failing that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I succeeded
Hang in there x
If it was that easy to stop, nobody would be stuck doing it.
ReplyDeleteI try to distract myself, but I've never let myself get onto the binge/purge cycle. I binge but won't purge. I hate the expense too. I slowed down by figuring out what I could spend the money on otherwise. (Books I want/M:Tg cards/fancy sock yarn) and extended my hobbies/bought more computer games. Dunno if it would work for others.
I really, really hope you can find your way out of this maze. The Ruby Way Out. You remind me of Homura sometimes. (http://www.animefreak.tv/watch/mahou-shoujo-madoka-magica-online) You can do this, Ruby. I'm coming to visit you in the next few years (When I can afford it, lol) and I'm going to give you the biggest hug I can manage without breaking ribs.
Love you so so so so much <3