I've started this post 3 times already
I tried to write something positive
Something uplifting
Something hopeful
But the words wouldn't come because they are not there
And anyway it would be a lie
I'm not feeling hopeful or positive or anything like it
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I'm already thinking of cancelling
I just can't face going in to her yet again having failed
I thought I could do this
I really thought I could stop anytime
I just didn't want to stop
Silly really
To think that I was in control
That I was driving this thing
I'm not in control
Not one little bit
How do you stop when this is happening despite what I want
How you get out of a speeding car without killing yourself?
How do you get well?
How do you put yourself back together?
How do you get the demons out of your head?
How the hell do you get over this thing?
And if anyone does find out the point please let me know
You have to find YOUR point babe, its close, it will be fleeting, it might change throughout time, but it is there!
ReplyDeleteX
And there is some hope there otherwise you'd probably not be asking for the point...does that make sense? So whilst there is hope, there is still time and ways to change what you want and because that IS so very hard, please don't cancel Mary and go talk it through with her. Your gorgeous dogs would probably have some words of wisdom to help you too x
ReplyDeleteOh Ruby... I feel your pain... I feel the same way, for other issues. I'm trying so hard not to give up... I hope you keep trying.
ReplyDeleteWrite from your heart at all times... being positive to make others happy is no good for you... you need to be yourself. I want to tell you something privately if you want to email me tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com
I read your post, and then I started reading the posts from another blog I follow... A Life Without Anorexia.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it will be any help to you, but just check out some of her posts. She didn't think she could recover either, but she did, and some of the things that she has written might be helpful to you. I'll leave the link below. (: Xx
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/
I'm still searching for my point. I'll cry to my mum that there's no point in anything, and she'll say "you're the point". That just upsets me further, because I don't see it.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same spot with wanting to cancel my appointments, both my dietician and GP. A wise lady once told me that when you want to cancel your appointments, is exactly when you need to go to them. You aren't failing; you're struggling, and there is support available.
I love you Ruby dear. Please try to take care of yourself <3 xx
Sometimes it doesn't matter whether what you write is positive or negative; as long as it helps you, then write what you truly feel! It doesn't help to keep pretending, because it's like living life trying to keep an inflatable ball under water (I know you like analogies!) - it gets harder and harder, and the ball will inevitably pop back up and smack in the face. Ouch. So writing is a good way to vent this, and stop yourself getting hurt.
ReplyDeletePlease don't ever think you have failed. You're most definitely not a failure because you keep going, you keep fighting and you are my inspiration. You never seem to give up, and please don't think about giving up now. Your fight is still too strong. And the more you fight, the clearer the point of everything will become. I think you're curious to find out the point, and only you can do this for yourself because everyone's purposes are different and unique. You, my dear, are the point!
You get well by initially trusting those who care for you, like Mary, and following their advice. It is as hard as hell and painful as anything, but the more you do this, the more you will learn to trust and listen to yourself. You will be subconsciously pulling yourself back together, and one day, you will be able to do things for yourself without a second thought.
I can strongly sense your ED trying to demolish your recovery. This is good, it shows just how hard you are fighting - the ed will always try to fight back harder, but keep going, and that voice will soon back down.
I'm always here for you Ruby, here to fight with you, to stand alongside you and to offer you a hand when you're in need. Always reach out and never led this monster win.
Love you lots like jelly tots! xxx
How do you beat it? The same way you did with drugs. One step at a time, one moment at a time, changing your life and the patterns. You moved across country to get away from the life you had with drugs now you have to make changes in your life FOR your life. You need to change the things that the ED likes, make her uncomfortable. You can't actually move away from food and the things like that so yes it will be very hard but so worth it. Talk to Mary, its your ED that wants you to cancel. Think of your day and figure out when the ED strikes and get a sober buddy if you can, someone whose presense will deter you for B/Ping.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth it!
one day at a time dear. every day is tough, but you are a fighter. we all relapse, and fall but then pick ourselves up again. you have already come so far, even if you don't think so. it is a slow heal. and you are getting there, even if it doesn't feel like it now...
ReplyDeletesending all of my love xxx
I can relate... some days you wake up just knowing the battle is lost before you've even started. Life is tough... but we're still alive and that means we are fighters. Much love dear Ruby xxx
ReplyDeleteJosie, what she said. Ok, so I just spent 4 days at a conference aaaaaaallllllll about this stuff. First of all, I would like to define an eating disorder as having a close similarity of having an addiction to food. Something about it, the obsession of it, makes you lose the ability to function in everyday life. As far as treatments and recovery, something that stood out to me was that the speaker on eating disorders said her best approach was like a team. A combination of therapy, doctors, dietitian, etc that can help you on all the fronts. I think that's been my mistake is I've been relying on only one of those. I realized this morning that I've been really bad at taking care of my physical health because I haven't had a period since April (whether that's due to recovering or not taking the pill, idk), so I need to form a better relationship with my doctor about that. It sounds like you have an okay team of people you trust, but you just have to use them for your benefit. Is your physician able to do anything besides methadone scripts? See the whole range of options available to you, and try to take them seriously. Knowing that that's out there for you might help.
ReplyDeleteMary isn't there to praise or berate you. She is there BECAUSE you are having a shit time not despite it.
ReplyDeleteFailure is a state of mind, Ruby. You are succeeding just by BEING, by writing, by breathing.
As for the 'HOW' to do things it wont come by forcing it. It is a different HOW for everyone. I even harbour hope that one day it might just go, just disappear if I stay alive and dont answer it's urges. I think it is possible.
Be kind to yourself (I know how easy it is to say but not to do!!) keep writing xxxxx
I don't know. It's like riding a cunning sod of a bull. As soon as you think you're in charge the bastard starts going insane under you.
ReplyDeleteHold on, ok? Don't ever give up hope. I'm here for you, ok?
*huggles*