I saw my doctor this morning
Today is the day that my methadone is supposed to be reduced
As I walked my dogs before the appointment, I made the decision to say to him that I needed more time
That I wasn't ready
That I'm on the verge of making some progress with my ED and I just can't deal with the 2 things at once
It turned out that my usual doctor was out sick so I saw a locum
I was relieved
I can relax for another week
When she had written out my prescriptions, she asked if she should weigh me
I wanted to say 'No, absolutely not, it's none of your business how much I weigh'
I tried to get out of it by saying 'He only weighs me from time to time'
Which is the truth
But she said she would do it anyway
I've been holding steady at the same weight for the last couple of weeks
And today was no different
I wondered what she thought about me
She made no real comment after weighing me
I kept thinking that she probably thinks I'm not thin enough to have an ED
I know I'm in dangerous water when I start doing other peoples thinking
I don't tell anyone my weight
Not my mother
Not my friends
Not here
The only ones who know are Mary and my doctor
It's not that I don't feel comfortable posting my weight
It's not that I don't trust you all
I guess I just think that it's not relevant
The number on a scale does not define how sick we are
And I don't want my weight to define me as a person
Also I don't want to trigger anyone or have comparisons made
I know that I get extremely triggered when I read others weight
I find it incredibly difficult when someone asks me my weight
We have a fella that does work around our garden
He has become a family friend but he regularly asks me what or how my weight is
It makes me angry
It's such a personal and loaded question
Especially for people with ED's
And I'm pretty sure he doesn't ask my sister and my mother what they weight
I have a love hate relationship with my scale
I weight religiously every morning
I have safe numbers
Unsafe numbers
Unacceptable numbers
Acceptable numbers
What ever number the scale shows dictates my mood for the day
My self worth and self esteem
I hate that it does but it does
I don't like weighing, yet I feel compelled to do it
I have to know the number
I guess when you can't find your own self worth, you look for something tangible to attach to
I remember a few years I put on quite a bit of weight
I had just started new meds and they bloated me to 130lbs
Now this is my no means over weight for my height or any height really
People then presumed that because I looked ok, that I must be ok
But that couldn't have been further from the truth
My thinking was the same
My behaviours were exactly the same
The only difference was my weight
I can honestly say that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest
It was incredibly frustrating to look normal but to feel so messed up
People think that if you're not emaciated then it's not serious
That's just not true
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes
From underweight to obese and everything in between
I think that's maybe part of the reason I maintain a low weight
To show that I am sick
I am hurting
I say with my body what I can't say with my words
I remember when I was in hospital for the first time
I was at my lowest weight and very very ill
I vividly remember one of the nurses saying to me 'You are not that bad'
I was gobsmacked
I felt like a fraud
Like an anorexic imposter
I'm not quite sure why she said it
Maybe she thought she was being kind
But I took it as an insult
I felt like she minimized my condition
Dismissed it as a phase
I felt so insignificant
So angry that I wasn't sick enough
And if I'm not sick enough then I mustn't be thin enough
Yes, this nurse saw me eating
But what she didn't know is that I was purging in to plastic bags in my room and hiding them in the wardorbe
I think I've mentioned before that when I'm walking on the beach, I used to meet this girl
She was incredibly thin and power walked the beach obsessively
Well I hadn't seen her in a while and I was wondering what happened to her
Did she get better?
Was she in hospital?
Did she die?
I was at the beach yesterday when I saw a familiar figure walking towards me
It was her
And she looked a lot better
She has definitely gained some weight
It's a strange experience meeting her
We always say hello but I also get the feeling that we are checking each other out
It's a feeling used to get in hospital when a new girl came in
That kind of 'Whose the thinnest?' feeling
I don't know where it comes from, this feeling
I know it wasn't always like this
Being thin wasn't the goal at the beginning of my illness
But over time it has become the most important thing
How sad is that
Just to give you an update I'm feeling better today
I spoke to Mary yesterday and that helped
I think sometimes I just get so overwhelmed
This thing feels bigger than me a lot of the time
Like it's a David and Goliath thing
I just keep having to remind myself that David won that battle
Do you post your weight?
If not, why not?
Ruby first, I am glad you are feeling a little better and David did win that battle with Goliath! Don't ever give up... I keep holding on that eventually I will get a handle on things too...
ReplyDeleteAlso your are correct when you said eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes... mine as I have told you is the opposite of yours... I remind myself daily that I am not perfect, nor is their a perfect weight for me... there is only me who has to learn my worth because until I do I will always have these weight issues.
You always inspire me Ruby :)
Thanks Launna, it's so true, EDs are not 'one size fits all'
DeleteAnd thank you for your email
I'm just waiting until I get a quiet moment so I can respond properly
Hope you're ok x
No weight, age, religion questions.Period People would tell if they wanted soneone to know. I think its a good descision keeping the methadone dose stable!
ReplyDeleteHave a good day hun
Xxx
Me too Loulou, I think it's best for now to stay on this dose
DeleteThanks, it's a beautiful day here
I walked on the beach and spoke to my sister in Australia on the phone
We were talking about serial killers of all things
You have a good day too, talk soon x
Serial killers on a beautiful day *lol* tempted to ask " any favorites?" But rather not, as this is a blog comment and sense of humor DOES differ..
DeleteXx
He he, yes when my sister and I get together we are trouble x
DeleteI've completely stopped weighing. The last time I stepped on a scale was during finals week, and it was less than I expected, but an acceptable number. My thing...as long as my clothes fit, I'm alright. I have to go to the doctor soon and I know they'll weigh me but I'm tempted to go on backwards or close my eyes because honestly I don't want to know, it would trigger so much and ruin recovery. Take care hon.
ReplyDeleteThat's great that you can go without weighing
DeleteI go through phases of not weighing too but at the moment I'm weighing every morning
You're right though, it is triggering
Take care of you too x
I haven't stepped on my own scales in nearly a year, but my dietician keeps my updated should I ask. It's a hell of an addiction to break. It still feels strange waking up and slowly walking outside to have a smoke; not jumping out of bed the moment I open my eyes and bolting to the scales each morning.
ReplyDeleteI do post my weight, when I know what it is. I guess there's a lot of reasons why I do. Like many, I attach so much of my self-worth to those numbers, my weight is part (most) of my identity. I guess it's just part of what I wanted to share when I started blogging, and I don't want to censor as much as possible.
Take care Ruby dear. Much love <3 xx
It is an addiction Bella, one that's very hard to break
DeleteI'm not really supposed to weigh but I do and it can ruin my whole day if I see a number that I don't like
I guess whether we post our weights or not comes down to a personal choice
And I respect both sides and the fact that you didn't want to censor your blog
Take good care of you too sweetheart x
I totally get where you are coming from. Anyone outside an ED instantly uses weight to gauge 'where we are at' in the illness. I get that I have to be weighed but I'm always suspicious when they do it right at the beginning of an appointment- to me that says they think it is the most important thing of the whole session, more important than anything I could possibly tell them in that hour.
ReplyDeleteI think it will be a tough call to break up with scales, especially as you are kicking three things at once. Be gentle. Try perhaps to wean yourself off. If you slip up so what you have tried. Leave it a bit and try again.
Don't be afraid to say fuck off to 'professionals' when they demand a weigh in when it is not required. Well perhaps not 'fuck off'.... Perhaps 'Pleaaaaase fuck off' hahaha. But seriously, you have your emotional rights, so if it isn't completely necessary then let them do one.
As for 'thin enough'- You know and I know and I think we all know deep down; that we will never be thin enough, never sick enough, there is always gonna be someone thinner, sicker. You wont be thin enough until your dead. It's harsh but true.
Keep fighting. You're so strong
xxxxxxx
No such fucking thing as "not thin enough to have an ED", what the hell do they tell COE people, "You're not FAT enough to have an ed?" *rages impotently at the world*
ReplyDeleteI post my weight sometimes, way less than I used to. I now fiddle with it so you have to deliberately CHOOSE to read it to avoid accidentally trigegring people by having a number flopped out there.
My god it sounds like I'm waving a penis around on my blog or something!
Scale numbers are like pissing contests. Ultimately futile and you all end up. . . well .. . yeah. Fucked if I know where that was going!
LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! <3