She weighed me but I didn't look
She said it was exactly the same as last week
I'm glad but also annoyed that I haven't lost in almost 2 weeks now
I told her about my week
How I'm on my own now during the week
So I'm doing my best to be independent and responsible
Turns out that my best is not very good
I explained how I really struggled physically this week
Everytime I stand up I get incredibly dizzy
My brain feels like it's pulsing in my skull and I see stars
Yesterday I was in a shop and suddenly came over all weak
I bought my items quickly and got out of there
I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it to my car and all I could think of was that the dogs were in there and if I passed out they'd be stuck there
I got to my car and collapsed in to the seat
I couldn't catch my breath
I struggled to calm myself down and I did eventually but it did scare me
I'm also finding that I'm struggling on my usual walk
It really takes it out of me
I said to Mary that I though the weather had something to do with it as it's been unusually hot here
She said 'Ruby, be realistic, it's not the weather, you're not eating properly'
She's right
What I didn't tell her is that I misused my meds this week
They are all gone as of yesterday
Bad Ruby, very bad
I had got that one under control but the minute I get a bit of freedom I am back to my old tricks again
We went through my food monitoring records
Even there I am not being 100% honest
I recorded that I purged on average 4 times a day
In reality it's probably double that
She said that if I lose anymore weight then she just can't see me anymore
She probably shouldn't really be seeing me now
She said that this service is for mild to moderate EDs
And my case is acute
She explained how if things continue like this, she will have to recommend me for inpatient
How do I feel about that?
Well if I could avoid it at all I would
I've been 4 times before and I can't say that I made much progress
Also I had some trouble with a couple of the nurses which I wrote about last year
That plays on my mind too
I am considering it though
My mother and I went for tea afterwards
She said that I look thinner every time she sees me
I asked her what she thought about inpatient
She said she would support any decision I made
The thing about inpatient is that you have come home at some stage
You have to face reality eventually
Everytime I've left hospital I've sunk in to a deep depression
I went from having support 24 hours a day to having just one hour a week appointment
That's tough
And I have to be sure it's what I want and I am motivated
Just going to treatment doesn't mean you will recover
There is a lot of hard work to be done
Physically and emotionally
In the end no matter where I am, it all boils down to one question
Do I want to get well?
I do and I don't
I can't seem to make a decision and stick to it
Like a moth to a flame I am drawn back in to anorexia's web of lies
She promises that this time will be different
That this time I'll be happy
And I always fall for it
I always go back
It's like being in an abusive relationship
Even though it's wrong
Even though I'll regret it
I go back time and time again
Because maybe, just maybe this time will be different
Because I know no other way
Oh yes, my ED is cunning and powerful
She know how to get to me
Knows exactly what to say to make me go back
These days I'm bouncing between anorexia and bulimia
They are like partners in crime
If one is under control, then the other spins out of control
They are quite alike in some ways but very different in others
If bulimia is loud and brash and in your face
Then anorexia is cold and aloof and silent
I don't know which one is worse
They both suck the life out of me
They both want me dead
Have you ever had the feeling that you are not alone?
That someone is watching over you?
This week my grandmother has been on my mind
I'm not sure why as I rarely think about her
She is a long time time dead so I don't remember her
I was born in the September and she died in the December so I never knew her
My mother always says that I replaced her
She has been popping in to my head a lot
When I am walking my dogs I always see white butterflies and every time I see them I think of her
It's a nice feeling
A comfort
A feeling that she is helping me
Looking after me
My mother and I were in the cemetery and I asked her of she ever gets the feeling that someone is watching over her
She said she did
She recalled a morning back in Winter when she skidded in her car on black ice and enede up in a field
She was lucky that she wasn't killed
But she said she felt that feeling so strongly that morning
She didn't have a scratch on her
I've always had in interest in spirits and ghosts and I do believe that they show us when they're around
Whether it's a feeling that you're safe
A feeling that you're going to be ok
And whether or not it's real or just in my head, it's still a comfort
I see these butterflies everywhere
Of course it is summer and that explains it but it's just the feeling I get when I see them
Does that ever happen to you?
Do you ever get a feeling that someone is looking out for you?
I'm worried about you Ruby. You health doesn't sound very good :( Sending hugs and prayers your way. xxx
ReplyDeletePlease don't worry Destiny, I am ok
DeleteThanks for your kind words x
Most definitely. I believe in God and I know there have been so many times he's looked after me, despite poor choices I've made. Sounds crazy but while watching the sun go down in Methone in Greece I had such a peaceful feeling. It was a hard time for my family with the fresh divorce and what not and I just heard the quiet voice tell me it was going to be okay, everything was going to work out. I made poor choices after and doubted I had heard anything but it really is working out. It just takes time. Another time I was driving on the interstate at night (like my dad told me not to) and a deer smacked my car. Nothing but a crumpled hood. A couple died that night on the same road when a deer hit them. I know I'm not always a good Christian but I know I have a big heart and try to love like He does anyway. I would rather settle with that then never have Him.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find peace. When you come to my mind I say a prayer for you because I know it's a struggle. I usually find my false comfort in anorexia because as warm of a person as I am, my emotions are not. Being aloof with them is a comfort. (God's been working on my heart about that too and it's terrible to think of, feeling that is.) My boyfriend swears treatment isn't for him and I think it's like you said: you want it or you don't. I want you to be okay because right now you're empty and there's a lot of beauty in this life.
Huge hug
I think it's amazing that you have your faith Eve
DeleteI have great admiration for people with faith
I remember when I was going to NA, I used to get down on my knees every morning and ask for help to get through the day and not hurt myself or anyone else
It really helped but I have not done it in a long time
I kind of turned away from my faith when I got really ill
Even though that was the time I really needed it
I think it's so important to have a spiritual side
When all else fails it's comforting
Hugs to you too my dear
When people in the service tell me to go to York as an inpatient, one thing I always say is that leaving would be hard. When I lost jacki I lost the support I never had before, I saw that there was something more that I hadn't known about before that was then missing again, and it made my mood collapse on itself. I thought that if I went npatient, chances are when I got out I'd just be worse than I went in, my family still wouldn't know, I would still have no friends outside my ed life, I would still not have much of a job... Nothing would have changed externally apart from more would have been taken away from me again, and internally I don't think I would have grown enough to cope with that, since I'm hellbent on self destruction and not game for recovery anyway. So I very much understand how your feel about going back.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try to be honest with Mary about the amount your purging. It won't change anything, you health and your bloods and everything won't get worse because you admit you are worse, but she can maybe offer you something else that she isn't yet, or recommend more appointments or something.
Love you ruby, hang on in there, xxx
I can't lie Milly, leaving hospital or treatment is incredibly difficult
DeleteEverything stays the same but we have changed
People are the same
The environment is the same
And it can be like one big trigger when you get back to your old life
Saying that though I wouldn't rule it out completely
If you made a good plan when you're nearing the end of your stay, that could really help
I understand why you are reluctant to go to York
I feel the same
I just hope you find something that works for you
I know you struggle as I do and it's a horrible place to be
I will have to be more honest with Mary
Holding on to these secrets is making me sicker
Love you too sweetheart x
I hadn't heard of that story Anna but it is heartbreaking
ReplyDeleteIt reminds of a girl here in this country
She had an ED and she just dropped dead one day
Her heart just gave out
It scares me that these stories don't scare me
I don't seem to be afraid of death
It's awful to say that but it's the truth
I guess I need to find my purpose
One thing that does motivate me to get well is the thought that I could help others in this situation
ED's are so rarely spoken about and I feel I could give sufferers a voice and break the silence
But I realise that I have to help myself first before I can help others
I am seriously considering inpatient
Have you ever considered it?
Thanks for your continued support, it means more than you know x
I can relate to that
DeleteI tend to compare myself to others and in treatment it can be quite competitive and it becomes about who is the sickest not who is getting well
I looked up the Terry Schiavo story
I saw the photos of her
And you are right, ending up like that is terrifying
It's worse than death
I don't want to end up like that, I really don't
What a horrific way to live or half live
No quality of life
No dignity
It's a fate far worse than death
I'm glad that you have come to a place where you feel ready to accept help
Do whatever it takes to get your life back
It will all be over so quickly
We need this
Keep fighting x
Losing support is always hard when you come home from inpatient. Even before my ED when I'd been inpatient for depression/PTSD/anxiety, I crumbled as soon as I left. It's a shock to go from a safe, controlled environment back into the real world. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try treatment again; maybe it just means you need a better support network upon discharge. Have you ever thought about outpatient/day programs for after inpatient, to make the transition easier?
ReplyDeleteI'm familiar with the Terri Schiavo case that Anna mentioned. I remember seeing it on the news when I was younger, but only in recent years did I learn her condition was caused by an eating disorder. Like you, death doesn't scare me. In a way I've come to realize/accept that's the 'goal' of my anorexia; death, not thinness. Nothing's black-and-white, but for me my mental health issues are so intertwined that I don't believe I could recover from my ED without recovering from a life of mental illness. It'd be like treating the symptoms, but not the causes. At the moment I'm simply not ready to face that sh*t.
Take care dearest Ruby, as best you can. All my love <3
xxxx
That's a good point Bella
ReplyDeleteAt least now I know what to do differently
I know discharge from this particular programme is gradual
I never completed the whole programme before so I wasn't able to avail of the aftercare which is weekly visits back for a support group
I am definitely considering it, despite my concerns
That's the thing about ED'a and addiction
They are masking a whole host of problems underneath
I truly hope that someday you feel strong enough to tackle yours
You are stronger than you realise I think
Stay safe sweetheart and love to you x
Hi Ruby... I hope you tell Mary more... secrets are what destroy us... once we let them out in the light, the seem to have less of a hold on us. I have really learned that in the last week...
ReplyDeleteNo one could have got that through to me though... I had to just jump in and trust that everything would work out... it's starting to and I am finally seeing a way to where I want to be.
It is most assuredly NOT easy, I am living my the motto to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.
I think you are a very talented writer and I love how honest and open you are in this blog... try to be that honest with Mary... you are wonderful Ruby :)
So true Launna
DeleteI remember my sponsor used to say to me that we are as sick as our secrets
Mary is doing her best to help me and I feel like I am failing her and everyone else
I'm so stuck
I need to do something
Thank you for your kind words x
Times sound tough, Ruby.
ReplyDeleteI know what you think about in patient, and I completely understand. It is more a crutch than a long term fix. If it is going to work its magic it tend to work in the first admission, but not ALWAYS.
If you go to a different unit there is a chance that their approach will just make all the difference. I dont know. What I do think though is what is going to make the difference is if you go inpatient in a new mind set. If you honestly intend it to work.
You have to erase every possibility that 'I can just go back if I feel crap when I get out' from your mind. It is the hardest but most productive thing to do.
Try to treat going back to anorexia and bulimia like a widow trying to go back to her dead husband-just not possible. She can, and you can, find someone and something new in its place.
My mum believes in Guardian Angels. She believes that whenever you see white feathers they are with you. She lights candles for me and puts them in the window to bring them to me. There is a book you should read called 'Angels In My Hair' by Lorna Byrne.
You can do whatever you put your mind to. You CAN.
much love xxxxxxxxxxx
Yes, I've heard that about white feathers too
DeleteI went through of phase of being fascinated by angels
I bought books
Bought the cards
I've meaning to get that Lorna Byrne book for ages
Did you like it?
I know she has written others too
Thanks Katie, much love to you too x
The things in life that are most worth having are the ones you have to fight the hardest for.
ReplyDeleteI used to believe very strongly in spirits and ghosts, but there is so much nonsense out there and crooks using the idea of them to fleece grieving people that I'm more cautious than I used to be.
I love you so much and I wish that your disorders would stop trying to kill you <3
Very true Peri
DeleteThere are so many crooks out there that it is hard to believe any of them
They ruin it for people who truly have a gift
I wish it would too Peri, it's getting old
Love you x
i think its our instincts. we still have them, or at least that is what i believe...
ReplyDeleteHope you are ok babe, i know that sounds lame, consiodering what you are going through, but i guess, you know how it is meant! The suns out over here, finally, so i feel better!!
xxx
It's not lame at all Loulou, I know what you mean
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're finally getting some sun, it's a scorcher here today
Really hope that you're ok too x
Ruby :( I just want to give you a big hug and make everything alright for you :( I want you to be ok. I want you to have a life without all these horrors living rent-free in your mind.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have much soul-searching to do about the inpatient decision. I can completely relate to your fears about leaving, because I recently went through this, and managed to soar in my recovery, but then as the support dwindled, so did my health. It is no life, flitting between recovery and ill-health, recovery and ill-health. It's not even a half-life, and is most definitely unlivable with. You have so much insight into your illnesses which is just incredible. Your writing is, I am sure, helping so many people out there who are suffering just like you, but you have the guts and the strength to write to eloquently and openly about such pain and torment and despair. You never cease to leave me in awe of you.
Partners in crime!
I think, in many ways, God watches over us. It could be He Himself watching, or sometimes, I think He also sends others to watch over us too - like the feeling you have about your Grandmother. I think maybe God sent you Mary, because you get on so well and you don't want to lose her. God is omnipresent, so yes, I feel he is there watching, caring, strengthening and loving always. I will pray for you in Church tomorrow, because I often think of you as I have grown to care about you so much. Dear Ruby, I really do hope that you find your inner strength to turn this around. You can do it, and everyone is rooting for you.
I can't wait to see you emerge from your cocoon, transformed. A white butterfly just like those that remind you of your grandmother. She would be so proud of you, as I am.
Sending you so much love and sunshine xxx
How is your blood pressure? Mine drops a lot when I stand and it feels like you described, with the pulsing in my head.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whereabouts you are, but is there an inpatient service near you that offers day patient too? If you do go in, that could help you adjust back to reality.
It does sound like you need a bit of extra help, and you deserve it too Ruby xx