As I walk in to the surgery, I see my usual doctor's car pull in
My first thought was that he was back
But when he got out of the car he was wearing shorts and a hoody
Unusual to see him in casual clothes
I kind of forget that he has a whole life outside being a doctor
He is actually a keen surfer
This part of the country is a haven for beach goers and surfers
'Hi Ruby, how are you?' he says
'Good thanks, how are you doing. is your back ok?'
'It's a lot better thanks, I hope to be back next week'
I walk in to the surgery
I have no idea what doctor I'm seeing today
An older man calls my name
As I follow him down the corridor he drops a letter
I pick it up and say 'Hey, you dropped this'
He practically snaps it out of my hand and doesn't say thank you
Ok
I think I will call this one Not very nice doctor
I sit down
'How are things?' he asks
'Yea ok' I say
He spends a few minutes on the computer
It's very disconcerting to know that as I sit there he reading all about me
All my notes
My diagnosis
My weight
Everything
He doesn't say much else
In fact he seems royally pissed off about something
Or maybe that is just his manner, I don't know
He fills out my scripts and that's that
I don't think about the meds I'm on a lot but the past couple of days I have been
I'm on a few medications
Methadone
Mirtazapine (anti depressant)
Olanzapine ( this is an anti psychotic but I am prescribed it for anxiety)
Midon (for low blood pressure)
I've been on methadone for about 9 years now
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
I am very heavily dependant on it both physically and psychologically
Sometimes I have a fear that for some reason I won't be able to get it
Without it I would be in a world of pain within 48 hours
That scares me
To be so dependant on something
Taking my methadone is the first thing that I do every morning
I can't remember what life is like without it
I don't get a feeling off it but it can make me drowsy especially combined with the other meds
To be honest I am terrified to come off it
I dread that day and I continue to put it off
I fear that I won't I won't be able to cope and I will relapse back on to heroin
It has helped me though
It is like a stepping stone between the drug and being completely clean
They say that it's harder to come off methadone than it is to come off heroin
I would agree with this
In my experience it is more difficult to get clean off synthetic, man made drugs than it is coming off something natural like heroin
The detox is longer and the symptoms are worse
I've been on anti depressants for years but have only been on mirtazapine since 2011
It is notorious for having weight gain as a side effect
In the first few months of taking it I gained 30 pounds reaching an all time high weight
My mother says that at that time I looked very bloated at that time
I stayed at that weight for about 18 months
The other day I came across photos of myself at the weight
It didn't suit me at all and I think I looked a lot heavier than 130lbs
I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin at that time
I hated my body
Absolutely hated it
Thinking back I don't know how I got through that 18 months
And because I now looked normal, people presumed that I was ok
I wasn't underweight so I must be doing fine
But if anything it was the exact opposite
I was still restricting
Still purging
Still mentally unstable
I was just as sick as I was when I was underweight
Then one day someone commented that I had lost weight
I immediately weighed myself and I had lost almost a stone
This triggered a relapse back in to anorexia
I haven't reached that weight since too and I vowed never again
I've come to the conclusion that I actually look heavier than I am
Even now I am technically underweight but I think I look like I am of average weight
I don't see an underweight person
Not at all
I've been on olanzapine for years also
Again it has a side effect of weight gain although I haven't experienced that
I was first prescribed it during my first hospitalisation in 2008
Combined with the other meds it does make me quite sleepy but I like that
I like being able to fall asleep whenever I want
I can escape when things get too much
I remember when I was in hospital I used to see the other patients lining up to get their meds
I actually felt jealous
I wanted to be on meds too
I complained that I couldn't sleep and was immediately put on a sleeping tablet (zimovaine)
It shocked me a bit how easily they prescribed meds
For me I think that the placebo effect plays a big part
Just taking the pill makes me feel better
Over the years I have been on various pills and potions
I haven't been medication free for as long as I can remember
Being an addict I seek out instant gratification and pills can provide that
They can take the edge off life
Wrap you in cotton wool
The can make life bearable
In reality I know that taking a pill is not going to make me better
I know that it's more complicated than that
Yes, meds have a place but in combination with other therapy
I think for depression things like and diet, exercise and talking are just as important of not more important than meds
I think I could probably do with the Olanazpine and the Mirtazapine but I would be reluctant to come off them
From time to time I do misuse my meds
Up until quite recently I had abused them for years
I would take all my meds over 2 or 3 days but that would leave me with no meds for a few days
So I started to take them properly
I just like the idea that if things get really tough, I can take a little white pill and all the nastiness will melt away
Really I should be finding other ways to cope but so far I haven't been able to do that
I went through a period of buying meds online
Mostly valium
But I had to stop after I crashed my car after I fell asleep behind the wheel
So I collected my meds today and when I got home I realised that I had extra tablets
My first reaction was to take the extra ones and sleep the day away
But I know that my mother gets really stressed when I do that so I didn't
I was a good little drug addict and took them as prescribed
The binging an purging came to an abrupt end yesterday
I hope and pray that it stays that way
The kilo I gained disappeared by night fall
It wasn't the kilo that scared
It was the thought that my weight gain would spiral out of control
So I am back at a safe weight
For now
I was wondering about you?
Are you on medication?
If so, how do you find it?
Do you have any unpleasant side effects?
I'm notorious for being the person that won't go to the doctor unless something is really wrong, which there never is. I go for bladder infections now and then and sometimes I take vitamins. I even took myself off my antidepressants and just ride out the blue periods. This past February-April I was a mess, as you read, and I was getting panic attacks so mom gave me some of her anxiety meds. They're habit forming so I only took them when I was freaking out and having an actual attack. I don't know, Psychology is the field I chose to go into and I know that medication can be a huge help but it's also a crutch. It's a large for people not to have to change and a place to lay blame for why they aren't advancing further. I have enough mental crutches that I don't need that one too. Plus, it costs money and doing healthy activities like working out cures a multitude of illnesses including depression. I just try to be natural and coach myself through I guess.
ReplyDeleteI'm not on any medications right now - although I think I do periodically overdose on gummy vitamins. ;)
ReplyDeleteI used to take antidepressants (celexa, I think) about 3-4 years ago, but I didn't like the feeling they gave me. Too happy and carefree all time time. Maybe that's how people are supposed to feel, but I've NEVER felt that way, even as a kid.
Huh, just writing this makes me think maybe I should try them again so I'm not so cranky... Something to think about.
Hi Ruby, first I just wanted to say thank you for you consistent and inspirational blogging. I know the world doesn't always turn as you want it to but your strength and insight is amazing; you're very gifted :-)
ReplyDeleteMedication-wise, doctors have suggested medication numerous times for my depression but I have such a fear of unwelcome side effects (mostly weight gain) I just can't bring myself to take it, even though a part of me wants to give it a go. I find trusting doctors to tell me the truth about side effects hard, though I don't know why. How do you tackle that subject?
Thanks again, Amy x
At the moment, I'm on Mirtazapine (antidepressant) and Seroquel (antipsychotic), though they're in the process of being swapped and switched around because they're not helping so much anymore. I also have Lorazepam, Temazepam, and Olanzapine and a few other prescriptions stashed, but don't currently take any of them.
ReplyDeleteAs for side effects, I gained weight on Olanzapine, as you know. I was prescribed it during refeeding, and when I was an outpatient I gained a lot faster than planned (a steady 2kg per week).
Another side effect I've experienced is with SSRI antidepressants. First with fluoxetine at age 12, then with paroxetine earlier this year. They just don't work for me, and sent me into an even lower depression.
Take care Ruby dear <3 xx
I was on two anti depressants that I quit over a three month period myself... I didn't like that I couldn't feel or cry. I also was on a cholesterol medication that ended up causing a weakness in my legs that I continued to walk on which then caused knee damage where I had to use a can to walk... I gave them up as soon as I realized what they were doing. Now all I take in Advil... I am so against any medications, the side effects scare the heck out of me.
ReplyDeleteOf course I don not have the same issues as you, I feel for you Ruby... I hope one day you can be free of the medications.
My David has a son that has to take methadone due to major drug abuse when he was younger... I am not sure of the drugs that he took but whatever they were, his mind is forever messed up... he even had a stroke last year and he is only about 21 or 22. The whole thing is so very sad... for Chris and for my David... :(
Hi Ruby
ReplyDeleteInteresting reading. Thank you so much for your honesty and your sharing. It helps to know there are others who have the same fears, thoughts, wonderings....
I currently take a veritable feast of pills and have been on many more over the past God knows how many years. Now I'm fairly settled on Pregabalin (for anxiety), Quetiapine (anti-psych), Duloxetine (anti - dep) Forceval (which I don't take), Thiamine (vitamin - rarely bother with it) and of course, the ever popular, anti osteoporosis Adcal tablet. I also have scripts for Diazepam - which I don't use) and zopiclone.
I don't particularly like the fact that I take these but I recognise that they are helpful and without them, things would be unmanageable.
In the past, I've been on lots of things from Citalopram to Mirtazpine to Seroxat / Paroxetine (terrible drug)... Actually, Prozac is about the only one I haven't done!! Man... I'm beginning to sound crazy even to myself!
Ruby, I so want to encourage you to stick with things and ride out the hideous days. They come... but they go... and it is possible to find some middle ground.. Thing is, I sound such a hypocrite. I hate myself for it, but I still want to urge you not to despair.
We are so ill Ruby. This illness is a monster and it distorts our vision so much. You can't see how underweight you are. You think you look bigger than your weight suggests... I feel EXACTLY the same... I even have that , 'yeah but with me it's true. I'm different... I really DO look big'... but if it's the illness saying it, and it sounds like the voice of the monster, then it must be a LIE. And that's how we have to handle it. If it's the voice of the illness, it must be a lie. Say it over and over. Let's do recovery. This is not a life.
Sending you so much warmth Ruby.
x
Funny that you should post this now Ruby as it is very topical!
ReplyDeleteRecently I have been doing lots of silly things with pills. Nothing dramatic but it is like a compulsion sometimes.
Sometimes it is logical- I either feel so out of it and floaty or so hurt and loud inside that I do what I imagine is the equivalent of cutting and pop a load of pills. Either to bring me back to the world of ohysical sensation or to punish myself or others.
Sometimes though it is seemingly without much motive. Like morbid curiosity. I am ashamed of these times.
The other night I had anxiety that I havent felt in months and it freaked me out so much I went straight down stairs and took well over my dose of medication that was prescribed ages ago to help anxiety. I paid for it the next day.
Good post. As always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It sounds like you've been doing better with all your addictive behaviors in general. What's helping you to do better?
ReplyDeleteI've never been on meds and I've always felt a strong dislike for them. I'm not against them at all, I just don't want to be on them myself. I just feel like I can beat bulimia without them, and I want to beat it without them.
Not so nice doctors are no fun. I wonder why he was so rude.
What a fucking DOUCHECANNON. He couldn't read the notes BEFORE seeing you? Fucking n00b.
ReplyDeleteThe terror of being that dependant on something and it allowing someone to have power over me is the reason why I've managed to keep from becoming and addict like Mum. I fought so damn hard to make it out of that house alive and to gain my independence I won't willingly give it up. (Why I bullshit so well when I'm face with hospital)
If they don't help you with the reasons behind your addictions before you come off methadone it's really fucking shitty of them. If the drugs and behaviours don't serve a purpose, we wouldn't start doing them in the first place.
When you weight-restore you have a shitton of water weight while your body does repair work it's had to put off. I'm not surprised you felt and looked bloated! It goes away after your body has finished the repairs it needs to do, but we usually freak and relapse long before that happens. I bet at least 10lbs of that 30 you gained back then was water weight from repairwork.
Looking at your last set of photos, if you think you look average your eyes really do have Ed-Cataracts on them :(
Yeah the pills do make the nastiness melt away from the present, but it trickles on down into the future and builds up there into a giant tsunami that pwns you when you reach it :/ Found that out from experience with "comfort eating" (read: anaesthetic bingeing) and self-harm.
I'm on Venlafaxine, which has been helpful for getting my brain chemistry under control. Omfg sleep is so elusive. I'm being told to take zopiclone 2 nights a week but it's getting dangerous. I love having it around, knowing that if I need sleep so desperately I'm hallucinating and freaking out I have little blue pills of sleep that can take me out of the world. It;s the least addictive and I don't want o become physically dependant on it but fuck I'm terrified that I'm turning into mum and I don't want to be reliant on something that can be taken away from me.
It's weird. I'm never depressed in my dreams, but my dreams are either work dreams, surreal shit or nightmares.