I'm back home
Back in the trigger that is my house
Yesterday was horrible
Like a bad dream
I came home from Dublin expecting a significant gain
I stood on the scale and peeped at the number through my fingers
It was exactly the same as the day I left
Thank freakin' Jesus
It turns out that I can eat and not purge and maintain my weight
Yesterday I could feel a binge coming on
Like a storm cloud on the horizon, it was slowly making it's way towards me
I could see it coming
I just didn't know what to do
I know what I should have done
I should have eaten something
Pre empt the binge
But part of me wanted to binge
Wanted the high from the food
The relief from purging
I haven't done it in quite a while
Yesterday was Sunday and I hate Sundays
I associate Sunday's with binging and purging
Before I knew it I was in my car and heading for town
I walked my dogs first, planning the binge in my mind
What I would eat
What order I would eat it in
How great it would feel to eat forbidden food
I went to the first shop
I wanted to stock up on chicken curry
I brought my cloth bag and walked down to the freezer section
I counted out 8 (why 8? I have no idea) curries and put them in my bag
Then picked up some rice
I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked towards the door
My heart was beating out of my chest as it always does when I do this
I took out my phone to distract myself
When I get outside I speed walk to my car, waiting for someone to follow me out
They don't
I reach my car and get out of there pronto
Next shop
I choose foods that take a short time to prepare and a long time to eat
It's essential that they are easy to purge
I pick up pasta and tomato and chilli sauce
Ham and bread
White chocolate
Crisps
7up free (essential for any bulimic)
This time I pay for them
I get to my car and realise that I've forgotten biscuits
I need biscuits because when I wake up in the middle of the night, I like to have tea and biscuits
I curse and head back to the shop
I pick up 2 packets of ginger nuts like the ones I had in Dublin
I hope my uncle hasn't noticed that I ate most of his in the middle of the night
'Enjoy those now' says the cashier
'You have no idea' I thought to myself
I get home and even though it's only midday I make 2 of the chicken curries and rice
I settle myself in front of the tv and the binge begins
The first few mouthfuls taste divine but after that I taste nothing, feel nothing
I head to the bathroom
Tie back my hair
Take off my rings
And purge
I hate purging
I truly do
But keeping this food in my stomach is out of the question
Purging is the lesser of two evils
I wash my hands and face and make sure the toilet is clean
Then I head for the kitchen for round 2
After eating something savoury, I have a craving for something sweet
I make tea and have one and a half (again, I don't know why it's this exact number) milky bars
The chocolate is soft an creamy and delicious
So I have some more
The rest of the day is spent like this
Making food
Eating food
Purging food
I couldn't stop even if I wanted to
This thing is bigger than me
Who am I to stand in it's way
I march from the kitchen to the sitting room to the bathroom
I'm literally going round in circles
I hate it but I can't stop
I know that night I will feel guilt and shame and anger but I can't stop
I know that this is a game that I can't win but I can't stop
I just can't stop
I continue until the food is gone
Only then do I stop
I lie on the couch in a binge induced coma
I replay the day over and over in my head
Like some bad Lifetime movie
I hate myself
I hate being this way
I go to bed early and fall in to a deep sleep
I get up once to have tea and biscuits
I always leave biscuits for the middle of the night
This morning I wake up with a hangover
I dread what is coming next
Weighing in
I gained
A big fat gain
My mental state can't handle this
I don't cry
I don't feel angry
Just numb and empty
My first reaction is to have a repeat performance of yesterday
Fuck it
But where would that get me?
No where
So I'll probably go to the other extreme as I don't seem to have a middle ground
I'm just so tired
Burnt out
Will this never end?
I have no Mary until the end of the month
What do I do until then?
Binge and purge I guess
Ruby, I saw this come through my email feed and I couldn't ignore it... the way you feel about food is the way I feel about my addictions... I keep walking/jogging/biking so that I don't think how great it would be to just give into all my addictions ... then of course, like yourself, I would feel guilty. I thought I be ready to come back to blogging but I think it will be next week as I still have so much to process about my David...
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can find something else that will help you not to binge and purge... as you know people with addictions need something... we are just always trying to pick something less destructive... if there is anything...
You are always in my thoughts Ruby... :-/
Thanks Launna, I appreciate your kind words
DeleteI don't really have words myself today but it means a lot that you read and comment
Love to you x
I have no idea what it's like to go through this Ruby, but I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteCould you write a list of Sunday distractions? For when you feel a binge coming on, but don't know what to do. Having a physical reference written in advance might help with the deer-in-headlights scenario. I know you've had at least one or two good Sundays; how did they come about?
You're in my thoughts dear. Please try to stay as safe as you can <3 xx
You know what helped me break the cicle? Stop purging. It was awful and I wanted to die, but I just didn't purge. I'm not going to lie to you, it was very hard and painful and I gained weight because I wasn't able to stop binging and purging at the same time. you should check the website Bulimia Help Method. they have soooo many tips. I didn't pay anything or buy whatever they offer. But they have that blog with lots of tips. It's wort reading. Today I'm still recovering. Everyday I fight against the binge urges. I'm finally being able to stop and eventually my body will go back to its normal weight. If I could do it, so can you.
ReplyDeletestay strong
gegenmia.blogspot.com
On the subject of maintaining while keeping food down for a while...a year into recovery and and my "skinniest" jeans still fit me. I mean, they're not loose, but they button and zip. So it's possible. I'm sorry there's no middle ground..even getting better, there's no middle ground. Love you though dear.
ReplyDeleteFeeling numb and empty is worse than anything else, if you ask me. I remember days when I could feel something, and sometimes I can feel it again in dreams.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
Try not to beat yourself up, Ruby.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you may see a binge as a weakness or giving in or whatever there is always a reason. Even if it doesn't seem like it now your trip away was probably really stressful and challenging in some ways. Even if you don't still feel that stress consciously it is probably still stored up and this may have been the result.
Scratch this episode, we only have today. When a binge happens try and say 'well I regret today so tomorrow I will try very very hard not to have this feeling again'.
xxxxxxxxxx
*Hugs you tightly*
ReplyDeleteBulimia didn't ensnare you this thoroughly overnight. You can't beat it overnight either. Don't bash yourself ok?
Love you tons Ruby <3