Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday tomorrow but I'm going to write about it today as I won't get a chance tomorrow
My family asked me what I would like to do to celebrate it so I suggested we go for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
Again? I hear you cry
Yes this will be the third time I have gone for afternoon tea in the last couple of months but I love it!
It's a really lovely thing to do so expect lots of photos next post

Castle Dargan

Time is passing by so fast

I swear I blinked and a year went by

Birthdays are a funny time of year for me

More than turning a year older, it's a reminder that I've clocked up yet another year in the midst of this illness

13 years and counting

Almost half my life

13 years of living this half life

13 years of weight loss and weight gain

13 years of recovery and relapse

Of treatment and therapy

Of medication

Of being on the edge of society

Of isolating myself

Of being is self destruct mode

Of hopes raised and dashed

Of seeing doctors, psychiatrists and therapists

Of hating myself and loathing my body

I've given my ED the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose another decade

I remember 2 birthdays ago I panicked at the thought of another year of being eating disordered

I rang  a treatment centre with the intentions of admitting myself

But I never got beyond the initial phone call

It took me a year to muster up the courage to ring back

This year has to be better

It just has to be

The last 12 months have been a roller coaster

Crippling lows and euphoric highs

I crave evenness

Steadiness

Balance

Bouncing from top to bottom makes me feel a bit crazy

I guess I just want to feel normal

As in not low and not high

Somewhere in between

Somewhere I can have peace of mind

Without the voice of my ED screaming in my ear

I do feel hopeful about this year

Hopeful that I can turn a corner and embrace recovery

Not just play the part of a recovered person

And I do play the part

Anyone who knows me or knows anything about EDs can see through the thin veil of my act

But to the untrained eye I think I seem perfectly fine

I want to 'walk the walk'

Not just 'talk the talk'

I know that I have a long road ahead of me

It can take months to recover physically

Years to recover mentally

 A life time to get over it completely

But that's ok

I'm in it for the long haul

PS. Mum's present to me was a trip to the hairdresser, here's the result!