And then she escaped

My sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
Maybe I will

It's Monday morning and I'm just back from the doctor
After talking about sport for about 10mins, he asks me how I got on with the methadone reduction
I was pleased to report that my week was uneventful with not a whiff of withdrawal
I ask him how long he thinks it will take to come off it completely and he figures it will take about a year dropping 2mls at a time
I also want to know if he has supervised any other detoxes
He said that he has and they were successful
That's encouraging
He explains that because I have been stable for such a long time, he doesn't anticipate any difficulties
In his eyes I may be stable long term but in truth I am only stable a few months
I never really told him about my abusing my meds and it's only recently that I've got that under control
All the while we are talking I am coughing and spluttering
He asks if I have a cold
I have for the last 2 weeks and I can't see to shake it
He says he will keep an eye on it

I haven't weighed myself since Mary weighed me on Tuesday
I have no idea what my weight is
My ED is telling me that I gained but I know better than to take her word for it
I don't know why I stopped weighing
It wasn't a conscious decision
I just don't feel that overwhelming urge to know theMy b number
I don't miss it
Not one little bit
I don't miss the anxiety before I step on the scale praying for a kind number
I don't miss the high I get when I see that I've lost weight
I don't miss the black cloud that descends over me when I have gained
The feeling that I am worthless
Fat
A failure
I don't miss my day being ruined because the number is up
My mood being dictated by those little red numbers
Literally measuring my worth in pounds and ouncez
In fact it is so freeing to not know the number
Mary will weigh me tomorrow and that's ok
I may or may not look at the number, I haven't decided yet

I was in the chemist this morning
They have one of those scales that measure your weight, height, BMI and blood pressure
There was a girl weighing herself
She took off her shoes and as she stood on it she closed her eyes
I know that feeling
It crossed my mind that she might have an ED
As she collected her slip of paper she studied it carefully
I wanted to run up to her and say 'Don't do it! Don't weigh yourself! No good can come of it. Don't define yourself by a number, a scale can't measure how beautiful you are!
It's easy to say these words but I know myself that breaking free of the dreaded scale is very difficult
It's an addiction in itself

My birthday came and went just like any other day
I was blown away by all the comments, messages, emails and cards that I received
As I said in my last post my family and I went for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
It was so lovely and the setting was beautiful
It was a marked difference to my birthday last year
Last year I didn't want to do anything for my birthday
I just wanted to ignore it
My mother cooked dinner for my, my sister and my nephew
After dinner we were having tea and I ended up having a huge argument with my sister about her not allowing me to babysit my nephew
My sister left angry and I'm sure Oisin heard us
All in all it was a disaster
Thankfully this year was very different
I am in a better place mentally
Last year even though I was at a healthy weight, mentally I was in a very bad place
I couldn't see a way out
I was bitter and resentful
Full of self hatred
This year things are a little better in that respect
I'm slowly learning to like and accept myself
To forgive myself
To be free to be me
I often judge myself on past behaviour and things I did when I was in active addiction
I could beat myself up for the rest of my life but where would that get me?
I have to forgive myself, make amends where I can and let it go
I'm not a bad person
Yes, I have done some bad things and made bad choices but I've learned from my mistakes and I do try to be a better person

I've always had a hard time accepting myself and sought to be accepted by others
I was a people pleaser
I did many things to get people to like me
I changed my looks
I wore different clothes
I even changed my personality to fit in with other people
I remember when I was living in Dublin I changed my accent in the hopes that I would be accepted
Now it's not so important to me
I'm learning to accept that some people will like me and some people won't
And that's ok
I try not to change myself to fit on with others
I dress the way I want to
I just try to be me

Here's some photos of my birthday, enjoy...........

Outfit for the day

My sister and nephew gave me this mug, he he!