'Slip Sliding Away'

Yesterday was a nightmare
It really was
The day started out as normal
I walked my dogs
Did some writing
I was due to see Mary at 3pm
But around lunch time I developed a pain in my lower abdomen
My first thought was that it was the pancreatitis  coming back
But the pain was too low in my abdomen to be my pancreas or my stomach
It wasn't too bad at first
I've been getting this same pain on and off for a few weeks now but it always went away so I wasn't too worried
I got ready to go and see and Mary but as the pain got worse I knew that I wouldn't manage to drive the 30mins it would take to see her
My Dad was here so I went and told him about the pain
He said to ring Mary and cancel
By this stage I was doubled over in pain
I rang Mary and she asked me if I was purging
I said I was and she strongly suggested that I go and see my doctor
She also said that my condition is acute and I really need to think about inpatient
The service Mary works for really only treats mild EDs but she had agreed to keep seeing me

I rang my doctor and the receptionist said they were booked solid until Thursday
After I got off the phone I realised that there was no way that I was going to last until Thursday so I rang back
The receptionist said that if it was an emergency to come in at 4.30pm and wait for an appointment

I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to figure out what was causing the pain
Then I remembered that I had used 2 enemas that morning
I was worried that I had damaged my bowel in some way
My Dad drove me in to the doctor and thankfully I didn't have to wait long
I explained about the pain and admitted to purging and using enemas quite a lot
He said if I was using these behaviours to lose weight then I shouldn't because they don't work
I do know this and I don't do these things to lose weight
I do it because I can't stand the full feeling
He examined me and said everything felt normal
He said that pain could be one of two things
It could be an irritation of the bowel due to the enemas
Or it could be trapped air in my bowel also from using the enemas
Trapped air made sense to me as I did feel bloated and full of air
As a precaution he gave me a prescription for antibiotics and said to come back if the pain persisted

I got home but the pain was still there, worse even
No matter what way I sat or lay down I couldn't get comfortable
The pain was becoming unbearable and I was in tears
Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore and was going to ask my Dad to drive me in to casualty, I had a brainwave
If it was trapped air, if I used another enema, then that could make my body expel the air
Of course it could also make my situation worse but it was risk I was willing to take
Thankfully it worked and the pain vanished immediately
Thank God!

It was a bit of a scare because I was worried that I had really damaged myself
Now I really need to address the problem with the enemas
I haven't told Mary that I am still using them
I think I may be addicted to them
But I have to stop before I do any more damage
Mary's words are ringing in my ears about inpatient
I spoke to my Dad about it
He said that the last time I left treatment my psychiatrist suggested that I try inpatient some where else
But there are limited places in this country
There are only 3 inpatient facilities and I have been to 2 of them
It's hard for me to accept that I need to go back to treatment because my weight is not critically low
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick I am, I can't help but feel this way
But what is the alternative?
Live another decade like this?
Keep seeing Mary but not make very much progress?
It's difficult because I really did think that I was making progress
I think Mary did too
Yes, I have been in better form
Yes, I did push myself over the summer
But now things seem to be slipping again
The purging has increased
My behaviours are getting out of control again
My mood is plummeting
To quote Simon and Garfunkel I am 'slip sliding away'

This illness is so sly and underhand
It let me think that I was in recovery
It let me think that I was on my way to becoming healthy and happy
It led me to believe that I had turned a corner
But it was a trick
A lie
An illusion
And because I thought I was improving I let my guard down
I relaxed a little
And now I am back in the hole again

I'm not quite sure where to go from here
I can't get my head around the idea of going back in to treatment
But I also can't get my head around staying this way for another year, month, week day
I can't live with it but I also can't live without it
My body is sending me signals that it is hurting
It's letting me know that the ED is doing damage
I went for years without having so much as a twinge but it was bound to catch up on me sooner or later

I am so grateful that my father was here when this happened as it would have been very scary if I had been here on my own
He comes down for a couple of nights a week when my mother is working away
He started coming down when I was very ill
It's strange because just last week I  was speaking to Mary about telling my Dad that he doesn't need to come down as much
But for some reason I hadn't said this to him yet
And now I don't know whether to say it at all
Maybe I do need someone to be here

I think what I will do is ring Imelda at the last centre I was in
And maybe ring the place where I haven't been and see what they say
I need to do it now or I will just keep putting it off and off
The last time I rang it had taken me a year to muster up the courage
But I just don't have the luxury of time any more

Something has to change I do know that
I just feel like shit because I had been so positive and now I feel that I am letting myself and everyone else down
I know what I need to do
I just need to do it