I've seen my doctor
I've seen my psychiatrist
I've rang the treatment centre
I've told Mary of my decision
Now I play the waiting game
These things take time and at some point I will have to go to Dublin for an assessment
If I could, I would go in tomorrow
Things are that bad
Yesterday I perused around some pro ana blogs
Just out of curiosity
I understand that most of these girls are young and naive but it is really rather sick
I can't believe that a lot of these girls have a bona fide ED because if they did they wouldn't wish what they are going through on anyone
When I started this blog I think my writing was on the verge of being pro ana
But that didn't last long as it just didn't sit right with me
Sometimes I see a blog post of someone trying to lose weight and lots of comments telling them to 'Stay strong' and to 'Think thin'
Surely we should be encouraging each other to be happy in our own skin
Surely we have learned by now that skinny does not equal happiness or success
Since I started this blog I have never made a comment to anyone encouraging them to lose weight
It goes against everything that I believe in
It seems that Lot of these pro ana girls really want to have an ED
I just can't fathom this at all
Well if you do want to develop an ED stay tuned as we have a fabulous offer just for today
For the small price of your sanity, your health and your soul , you too can be skinny
You can be popular and loved
People will envy you
Boys will want to go out with you
Girls will want to be you
The only thing that you have to do is not eat
Easy right?
For the first few days restricting you will feel a hunger that you've never felt before
You will think about food all day and dream about it at night
You will start to become light headed and dizzy
Every time you stand up you will see stars
Over time your hunger will vanish
You feel strong and powerful
High almost
The weight falls off you and you have never felt so good
People comment on your new shape and you fit in to your favourite skinny jeans
Life is good
Your confidence will sky rocket and you will feel thin and beautiful
You will constantly feel your bones, they are like trophies for all your hard work
You've never felt so happy
But gradually things will begin to crumble
Now when you look in the mirror all you can see is fat
Even though the number on the scale is going down, you will still feel huge
You begin to withdraw from family and friends
They scale becomes both a friend and an enemy
Along with the weight, you will feel like you are losing your mind
Physically you will look a mess
You look pale and gaunt
Your hair is falling out
Your skin is papery
Your eyes are black and hollow
Depression and anxiety will creep in
Nothing matters anymore
Your ED and weight are the only things that you care about
Your family begin to get worried about your ever shrinking frame
But it doesn't matter
Nothing matters
You can't stop even if you wanted to do
And the you will never get the one thing that you desire the most, thinness because you will never believe that you are thin enough
Then one day you break
The hunger is unbearable and you can't stand it an minute
On auto pilot you will go to the supermarket
You will walk around filling your bag with all the foods that you have forbidden
You walk out of the shop with a bag full of binge food
When you get home you eat and eat
Eat, purge, eat, purge, eat, purge..........
You can't stop
You don't know how
This is your life now
You are on a treadmill
Running and running but getting no where
You are so miserable
So lonely
So sick and tired
But you still can't stop
This could go on for years if you are lucky enough that it doesn't kill you before then
Your health will suffer
Your mental health will really suffer
You will become a shell of a person
Living a half life somewhere between life and death
This is what you have to look forward to if you develop an ED
So go ahead
Sign up today
Sell your soul to the devil
Living with an ED is not glamorous
It's not romantic
It's not about being thin
It's a deadly illness that has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
If you are looking for something
If you are trying to fill a hole in your life
If you are lonely or depressed or anxious
Losing weight is not the answer
It will not bring you happiness or success or popularity
If you develop an ED you will be lucky to make it out alive
What do you think of pro ana?
Have you ever been part of it?
What do you think pro ana means?
Wow.. I've never read a pro ana blog... that is sad... even though I am considered obese by doctors... I have been losing weight to get healthy. I will never get down to the weight they want... nor do I want to... I love my curves ;-)
ReplyDeleteI am happy you started the process Ruby:-D
That's great Launna!
ReplyDeleteThank you, it is only the beginning x
I think it's so great to hear that you're going into treatment. Like you have come a long way in terms of motivation for recovery since I started blogging. Super happy!
ReplyDeleteI think that initially I was somewhat proana but only because you really have to psych yourself up when you're relapsing. If you were really sick before like I was then you have a "reputation" if you will to live up to. It seems like the only way to cope. you love it and you hate it. It's a weird dynamic, but you get it. I never liked seeing other girls being proana. It's like you describe. Absolute hell. You can't enjoy your life and you atrophy yourself in a state of adolescents. It's terrible. Even more so when you're about to graduate college and people are moving on with their lives. There was a selfish side of me that wanted it to be my thing anyway. Everyone else had their own problems that I helped them with so I wanted one thing that was mine. Man, eating disorder brains are just selfish right? But that's the truth of it.
I mostly think being proana is just a way for girls that are sad and struggling with their lives to be part of something. It's also really hard to starve yourself long term. It always comes to a head where you have to make a decision on how you're going to live your life. I hate seeing it because if they're "good" at it, they'll be like me and relapse and cry when they have to eat pasta. Really? Crying over that? Like that's sad. It's not cool. I get more compliments from people and looks from guys now because I'm looking fitter. That's a lot better than being stared at because I look emaciated. I feel like a woman, as cheesy as that sounds. I don't know. It's just sad.
Love and prayers sweets!
I agree Eve
DeleteI think these girls are so lost they just want to belong somewhere, even if it is something as sick as pro ana
I don't have any animosity towards them, I feel sorry for them more than anything
I know you go to the gym a lot
I think I want to start going too
I want to get fit and healthy after years of abusing myself
Thanks for your well wishes, hope you're doing ok x
That's great to hear! I'm all about lifting so if you ever want to talk about getting into a program and tips and stuff feel free to email me!
DeletePersonally, I think there's already something wrong with people who are pro-Ana. I consider them lost souls just like those of us who hate our EDs, and someday they'll be in our shoes, asking for a way out that never comes.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you're going into treatment! I know I've already said it several times, but really, I'm so overjoyed that it takes a few times to get it all out :)
They are lost souls Emily, that's exactly what they are
DeleteThank you so much!
A lot of them don't.
ReplyDeleteI used to be followed by a lot of them, they still pop in now and then, but you know they're using ED behaviours as a diet.
It breaks my brain who anyone would want an ED. Do they want Schizophrenia? No? Then WHY THE FUCK would you want another mental illness?!?
I see two types, tbh. People without EDs who want one, and people with EDs who seek positive reinforcement that their behaviours are 'good' and subconsciously want to have the illness glamorised.
I was a part of it, back when I was blogging a lot about my disordered behaviours and trying to bury the part of myself that knew it was bad. Then I accepted that is was bad and embraced it as slow suicide. Because the fucked-up part of my brain know I'm not worth a quick, painless death and deserve the most drawn-out painful one I could think of. And after reading a TON of ED literature, I know death by starvation was the "best" one I could find. Blindness and dementia and agonising pain? Well, I deserve/deserved it.
I stopped posting so much about behaviours because it went against what I consider to be ethical. Actively misleading and causing harm=BAD. Glamourising bad things=BAD. Wooo ethics! -.-
I actually got interviewed via skype for someone's MA on eating disorders/pro ana. I declined to have my content added because by that point I was more blogging about life with a mental illness. I never really considered myself to be pro-ana in the first place, since I don't have a diagnosable ED I can't be one of the ED sufferers who seeks support from people who GET IT, and I wasn't ignorantly doing an "aNa DiEt" etc.
Gah. So many typos. May you never know how many :p
LOVE YOU RUBY. Imma go try to sleep. It's toooo hooooot :'( *whines*
That's interesting that you were interviewed, what was it like?
DeleteI can't lie, I sometimes find myself googling pro ana just out of curiosity
And I know that some of my followers are pro ana
Hope you're doing ok Peri, you're always in my thoughts
Love you too, nighty night x
I used to use those sites a lot in the early stages of my ED - mainly to try and find someone who was going through similar stuff and someone I could confide in. There's something strangely addictive about them to be honest - it's quite scary. As soon as the 'honeymoon' period was over, and I started to get really unwell; when I started questioning whether or not I really wanted the illness, I realised what a mistake I'd been making with the sites. I managed to make some lifelong friends on there, but we no longer discuss our EDs, and they were always supportive in my decision for recovery, even if I went on to relapse they never really encouraged me to go backwards after the first hint of thinking of recovery. I suppose I was lucky.
ReplyDeleteI think most of the pro ana girls are young and impressionable and what chance do they have when they are fed the message that thin equals beautiful
DeleteIt's only now that I am realising that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes x
I think pro ana sites are visted by people looking for "diet" tips and lost lonely people looking to not feel alone anymore. Although it kind of works for that it is wrong. People need to lead a healthy life not diet. We need friends who help us experience a full rich life, not focus on one tiny portion. Friends not cellmates in our own prisons.
ReplyDeleteI think true friends would never condone unhealthy behaviour
DeleteTrue friends would never egg someone on to lose weight
But I guess these girls are too blinded by the pursuit of thin x
Firstly, I think it's amazing that you are actively embracing treatment - your motivation shines through on this blog, but sometimes you just need that more intensive environment, the regulations and the constant professional support and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteBefore I went into treatment, I felt a little like I was on a treadmill - I was trying and trying but I wasn't getting very far. I was working hard to move forward, but it felt a little like I was only ever in the same space, if that makes sense? Not going backwards but not going anywhere fast either, despite my efforts. Treatment was like getting back out on the road again, running in the fresh air after months and months of cyclical running in the same empty room. I hope that it's like that for you.
With regards to pro-ana, I did used to browse through some of the sites at the very beginning of my eating disorder. Even then I knew that starving and purging was wrong and harmful, but it was sort of like putting on a set of blinkers - if these people were telling me that I was strong, and worthwhile, and good, then what I was doing couldn't be wrong. I knew deep down that that wasn't true but I wanted the encouragement and the motivation so I put the truth aside. It didn't last very long - I always had a sick feeling inside when I accessed the sites, like when you know you're going to be in trouble for something or something bad is going to happen, so I stopped.
If you're comfortable giving out your address when you're in treatment then do feel free to message me with it - I'm a big believer in letters and cards, actual physical objects and reminders that you can take out and look at and remind yourself of what you're working so hard for.
I wish you all the luck in the world, Ruby. You're such an intelligent and worthwhile and wonderful person and I hope treatment can help you channel all the energy you're funnelling into your eating disorder into health and recovery. If you can redirect that energy, you'll be unstoppable, my Lovely xxxxxxx
Wow Cheryl!
DeleteThis comment blew me away
Yes it's exactly like being on a treadmill
Going no where fast
Thank you so much for such kind words
All I can say is thank you
And yes, I will surely pass on my address
I am a big lover of cards too
I love finding the perfect card for someone
Thank you for your well wishes, they really mean more than you know x
Yes I think that they are very young and impressionable
ReplyDeleteIt's sad really
I don't think that your blog is pro ana, you say things as they are and that's all you can do
I hope it comes soon too Anna, it can't come soon enough x
We need to get more help for people suffering from this illness. It takes them to a place where some people think it's a blessing…which I guess can be healthy in some ways, but not if it perpetuates horrible treatment of the self.
ReplyDeletei myself have a sister with anorexia.. she has had the illness for 4 years and is only now starting to get better. But her ED didn't come from waking up one morning and suddenly has an eating disorder, it came from everything around her. her friends, her school work everything. all these things played a part in her spiral down. i hear that a lot of people with an ED don't know how it happened to them, but reality is there are point in life or situations that contribute to a person developing an eating disorder. you don't just wake up one day with it. these girls who are 'pro ana' are feeling the pressure by friends, social media and life itself there for end up looking for ways to feel prettier, thinner, more controlling and happy then they see well i can control my food so i get thinner, then ill be happy and pretty ill have control. but as time goes on the illness starts to take effect over everything. they end up being stuck in a vicious circle that they are trapped in.
ReplyDeleteSpot on with this write-up,I truly believe that this amazing site need much more attention pro ana websites 2019
ReplyDelete