I saw Mary yesterday
After weighing me she told me that I am 'emaciated'
I almost laughed
For 2 reasons
1. In my eyes I am a perfectly healthy weight, chubby even
2. My old counsellor used to tell me that I was 'emancipated'
I think she was getting her words mixed up
Then I got a text from a friend who I had ran in to last week after not seeing her for a while
She said in the text that she got a fright when she saw me and I looked really ill
Why can't I see this?
What is wrong with me?
Do I see the world through fat tinted sun glasses?
My mother and I were chatting last night and she asked me the question 'Why are you so afraid that you're going to be fat?'
I had to think about this
None of my family are overweight
I've never been overweight
So why do I think if I eat normally I will be overweight
To be honest I think that I could easily be overweight
The other extreme of the same spectrum
I could easily be one of those 400lb people we see on tv
I'm a very all or nothing person
I either eat nothing or everything
So therefore I could either be really skinny or really overweight
Am I delusional?
Maybe I am
I just don't know anymore
I don't know what's real
I can't trust my own eyes
I can't trust my own judgement
I can't trust myself
I don't want to be like this
I've had enough of my ED ruling my head and life
I'm preparing myself for the fight of my life
Me V ED
Place your bets now
I know who my money is on......
My money is on you Ruby and I don't bet... but I believe in you, I know you will win out over ED :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Launna for believing in me x
ReplyDeleteI go with Luanna. But wow, a counselor getting emaciated and emancipated getting mixed up, that's a bit unprofessional....But, work at this to be emancipated from being emaciated. In this cage fight, if people are taking bets, do you really want to be the loser? Because if you don't start raising your gloves soon..who knows. Your mum has some good points. I'm thinking about you dear. Especially after the last post, and this, I seriously hope you take care.
ReplyDeleteI meant that my money is on me
DeleteI am fighting
I am trying
I really am x
I have often almost commented when you repeat that you don't think you are too thin. It is a symptom of the disorder. It has you convinced that you are a special exception to the rules of what is a healthy weight and how weight looks on people. It's not true, and you do look thin in the extreme.
ReplyDeleteThe road back is a long one. I have absolute confidence in your ability to heal, but don't be discouraged when it takes a long time. You have been in this mindset and behavior pattern for years upon years. Recovery will take time, too. Unfortunately it seems in what I see through other people's recovery journals, the body image is often the last and hardest thing to deal with. Just know that underweight, healthy weight, overweight, you are so much more than that. Your weight does not have a moral value, it does not define your worth or your capabilities.
I am trying so very hard to see that Tempest
DeleteI have stopped weighing in an effort to stop giving those numbers so much power
You are right
It doesn't define me and I won't let it x
I can totally understand your feeling on all or nothing. That's exactly how I am. I have to be good at something or I don't want to do it at all. If I eat, I want to eat it all. It's awful. There's no moderation or balance. It can be terrifying when doing something. Failure? What's that? Being imperfect and being okay with it? How? Recovery is so damn hard. You have to listen to your body and I always come to realize that I don't know how to eat properly. I know you'll win Ruby. the glasses take a while to come off. When they begin to though, it's amazing. I'm wearing a pair of jeans that used to be loose and now the butt is tight. It's because I do a lot of squats and leg days and now I'm actually happy it's fighter because that means I've grown and have made progress, not gained weight. It's liberating and I can't wait for you to feel that kind of accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this.
You are beautiful, kind, and thoughtful.
My bets are on you.
<3
I am so happy for you Eve that you are breaking free
DeleteIt gives me hope
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot x
I get told I look 'frail' a lot, but I'll never see it. We all know, logically, that we see distorted images of ourselves, but accepting it's a whole 'nother matter.
ReplyDelete'Emancipated'? LOL. Sounds like a brilliant counsellor you had there.
Keep reminding yourself that you don't want to be like this. I wonder if the 'all or nothing' mentality might improve along with your mental health.
My money's on you Ruby. Thinking of you <3 xx
Why cant you say that for yourself bella? Ruby has made so much sense! Why must you still obsess about being thin and crying everyday and limiting yourself to so little food? Having an ED is really not worth it Bella. Get out of it.
DeleteI know Bella, what a mistake to make
DeleteI do see the funny side though
I am so sorry that this 'anonymous' person is bothering you and I am really annoyed that they used my blog to comment nastily
I hope they are not getting to you x
Anonymous are you the same person that is bothering Angharad?
DeleteThe problem with all such psychological disorders is the ruined faith on oneself.
ReplyDeleteYou've gotta gain that control again.
You've gotta understand that you're the one driving your body, not the otherwise, so even when you eat that extra chunk your heart didn't permit, you can always cover for that with a 5 minute run around the block.
Even when you feel like going for a heavy lunch you can cut up in the evening and the dinner to cover for that. Talk this out with yourself, you're so much stronger than you know of yourself.
I will try
DeleteI'm trying to get a balance
I love the saying Everything is moderation, including moderation
Now if only I could apply that in my own life x
Your mind sees a different world. And I believe that it is real for you. Even if you weight 75 pounds you would see flab and chubbiness. Just like a depressive person cannot see their worth, you cannot see your body. When I look at your photos I wish I could see you looking fuller, more healthy. I feel awful for you and I see your struggle so blatantly and obvious, just as an obese person must feel judgement for looking the way they do.
ReplyDeleteIt's true Vanessa
DeleteWe don't see our own illness
And that's so difficult to deal with
I just have to accept that I have a distorted view and it's part of the illness x
That's the thing with Ed, he tells us lies and makes us delusional. You have people around you to remind you of the truth, which is good. I know how it is to fear eating everything. Especially because in the depths of an ED, you can binge hard. But normal people don't eat like that, and you won't after you're free of this.
ReplyDeleteKeep reminding yourself of the truth.
I will Emily and thank you x
DeleteDefinitely you, Ruby, always and forever, you
ReplyDelete<3