Back to Monday

It's Monday morning
My first Monday at home in 2 months
But nothing changes
Doctor
Chemist
Walk my dogs
Nothing changes

I saw my regular GP this morning
I had to inform him of my meds change
He was fine with it all up until I mentioned that I was put on a sleeping tablet
He said I didn't need it
I said that I did
He said I would be more active at home so to try going without it
Again, I said I needed it
He said I was accumulating medication I didn't need
I insisted that I needed it
At this point I realised that my inner addict was being unleashed so I backed off a bit
In the end he agreed to give me 4 and would re-evaluate the situation next week
You can bet your ass that I will go in next week and report that I didn't sleep
Bad Ruby, very bad, he he!!

So how are thing going now that I am back in the big bad world?
Well, the first positive thing I can report is that the purging has vastly decreased and I have had no major binge purge episodes
That is a revelation in itself!
The bad new is that I'm not purging because I am eating very little
I have no idea how much I weigh
I don't care
It doesn't matter anymore
The other good news is that I am sitting at the table with my mother for my 'meals'
Baby step all the way!

I miss hospital
I miss the people
I miss the chat, the craic, the banter
I am in daily contact with my friends there but it's not the same
I can't wait to go back
That in itself is not a good sign
The hospital is like a cocoon
So safe
All I had to worry about was turning up to meals and groups
Not like the real world
But I guess it's good that I want to go back
If I want to go back for the right reasons

During my first 2 week in hospital I was very shy and quiet
My ED had stifled my personality so much that I didn't know who I was any more
I spent a lot of time in my room
Only venturing out to the smoking room every so often
I was beyond anxious
I could barely speak to anyone and had anxiety attacks in groups
I couldn't relate to anyone
Even the other girls on the programme
It's such  lonely place
But as the weeks passed I began to come out of my eating disordered shell
The girl who had been so hidden under layers of anorexia, bulimia and addiction began to emerge
I started to smile
I started to enjoy talking to and being around people
Heck, I even laughed
Mostly at myself
It felt good
It gave me a glimpse of what my life could be like without this illness
I wanted more
I want more

An anonymous comment was left on my last post
Wondering why, when I had a 'golden chance' to get well, surrounded by so much support, why I couldn't take that chance
It's a very good question
One I asked myself every day in hospital
It's true
I had a great opportunity
I was in the best psychiatric hospital in the country
With the best psychiatrist
With every support both in hospital and from my family
So why didn't I avail of that opportunity?
I know a lot of people would kill for a chance like that
The honest answer is that I didn't want it enough
Yes, I went in to hospital extremely motivated
Very clear in my mind what I was going to do
But being in hospital can be a strange experience
You are given the label of 'anorectic'
In some ways I felt I had to live up to that label
But it wasn't just that
In all honesty weight restoration was my  biggest hurdle
It's very difficult to accept that you have to gain a significant amount of weight when you can't see that you are underweight
And I genuinely don't see it
In my mind I am of a normal healthy weight
Not thin
Not over weight
Just normal

Unfortunately you can't have recovery without weight restoration
It just doesn't work
God knows I have tried
It's like an alcoholic saying that they will have just one drink a day
It just doesn't work

Getting well has to come from us
We can have all the support in the world
But no one can make us eat
Or stop purging
We have to want it so badly
If love and support could get us well then I would have recovered a long time ago
I was very torn in hospital
There was a constant battle going on in my head about whether to try or not
The truth is that I hang on to my ED because it serves a purpose
Yes, there are many, many negatives to my ED
But I hold on to it because it keep me numb
Safe
I don't have to grow up
I don't have to take any risks
I don't have to face life
I don't have to live

I am still ambivalent about recovery
I want to  want it
But I will go back to hospital and I will try my best
That's all I can do
That's all any of us can do

I think it's very normal to feel this way
Recovery is scary
It frightens the be-jesus out of me
It's uncharted territory
But what is the alternative?
End up like my friend
55 years old and still battling this thing?
No thank you very much
I'm still young
I can still have the life I dream of
I can still follow my dreams
I can still hope and believe
It's not too late for me
It'a not too late for you too

All my love,

Ruby x