I swear I blinked and a whole year went by
It's been an eventful year to say the least
I was doing well at the start of the year
My BMI was almost in the healthy range
I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis in March
That was when I started to lose weight again
I wasn't intentionally trying to lose
But the pancreatitis took such a toll on my body, it was hard not to
I organized a family holiday in the summer
And of course I went in to hospital for treatment at the end of October
Then discharged just over a week ago
Since coming home I have been trying to hold on to the changes I made in hospital
I'm trying to keep to structured meal times
Eating at the table rather than on my own
I am managing to do this but my portions are not as big
I was determined not to start weighing myself at home but curiosity got the better of me during the week and I pulled out my dusty old scale that I had shoved in to a corner of my bedroom
I stripped and tentatively stepped on to it
Curling my toes as I always do
I had lost
Enough to delight my ED
Enough to worry the rational part of me
Even knowing everything I know about my ED
Even knowing that losing weight will not make a difference in my life
Even knowing that losing weight will only make it more difficult when I go back in to hospital
Even knowing all this
I still can't stop
I've been in quite good form mood wise since coming home
I guess because it's Christmas it's a novelty to be home
I'm sure reality will set in soon enough though
I rand Imelda in the hospital today
I hope to be back in by January 2nd
All going to plan
I mentioned on my last post that I'm not sure where to go with this blog
I started writing this blog just over a year ago
I had been reading blogs for a while
I was desperately lonely
I had pushed all my friends away
I was a virtual recluse
Instantly I found a whole community of people that were just like me
In the beginning my blog was bordering on unhealthy
Some may even have called it pro ana
But what my blog is really about is spreading the truth of what it is like to live with anorexia, bulimia and addiction
Writing this blog gave a purpose
A raison d'etre
I have met some of the most amazing people here on blogger
And I have grown to become fond of all you
But I have to honest
In the last couple of months I have been wondering how healthy this blog is for me
Yes, there are some positives to writing this blog
But there are also negatives
My ED is all consuming
It's all I think about
All I talk about
And now I was writing about it too
I think in order to recover I need to find interests outside of food and weight
I need things to fill the hole that the ED will leave
Since coming home from hospital I have only glanced at a few blogs
And some of those were all about losing weight
It makes me so sad to think of all the girls here killing themselves trying to lose weight
It breaks my heart
I have to keep reminding myself that I am one of those girls
I am unwell
I need help and I need to help myself first
They say with addiction you only have to change one thing to get well
Everything
I think that is true for EDs also
In order to recover we need to change our whole lives
I am only starting to see that now
And I have to ask myself the question 'Is this blog helping me or hindering me?'
At the moment I'm not quite sure
I think that I need to find a life outside of blogger
I need to reconnect with my real life friends
It's a sad truth that my virtual life is more active than my real life
Don't get me wrong I love to be in contact with all of you
But words on a screen are not the same as a hug
It's not the same as a cuppa and a chat
I need those things in my life
I need start living
I was wondering about you
Do you find that writing your blog helps you or hinders you?
Do you ever find that it is an unhealthy influence in your life?
In the beginning I think I was seeking out people that were hurting like me. My friends out in the real world didn't understand and I needed people who understood that all consuming need to be thin and all the underlying problems that fueled it. I was in such a bad place last winter but I was championed by several girls for killing myself as hard as I was trying. Then I decided to commit to recovery and I was afraid I would lose the people I had come to know. I decided to keep my blog and I write creatively and just journal out how I feel. If I'm struggling I receive encouragement to keep going, the healthy way. I had to unfold of a fee blogs because it wasn't good for me and in the process I followed non ED ones that write similar to me. It was a great trade. I think another awesome thing I gained through Blogger was actual friends that I don't just talk to online. One I Facebook message daily (since she lives in Canada), and three I text. In fact, one of them became such a good friend that I'm flying to see her over Christmas break. We don't even talk about ED stuff; we talk about life, school, work, love interests, regular things. Sometimes we talk when we're struggling but it's really cool. So for me, my blog is recovery/life/thoughts oriented now and I've begun deleting my old posts because that's not who I am now and I don't plan on going back. I think you need to do what's best for you but keep in contact now and then. :) I'm proud of you Ruby. You've come far and I'm excited for your growth.
ReplyDeleteThe blog I have now is healthy for me to have - it's about documenting my recovery and my thoughts and feelings surrounding everything. But I know what you mean about hindering. I used to belong to a community, it didn't encourage eating disorders at all, it was simply there for people not wanting to recover to have a place to talk, but it could at times be unhealthy. I have twitter I made a few years ago to tweet others suffering too but when I committed to recovery I unfollowed anyone with the potential to trigger and found more recovery focused people. I've met some great people through twitter, tumblr etc and I didn't want to lose that support.
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to upset anyone by unfollowing at first but being in recovery means taking care of yourself first. If something/someone is not helpful, you should put yourself first and do what's best for you.
I engage much more with the real world now, and don't post blogs very often but I find it helpful when I do.
I would like to know how you're getting on. Keep to your recovery plan as best you can while you're home. Stay strong, keep fighting. xx
I've been wondering what your thoughts were on blogging and recovery. In the end, I think it comes down to weighing the pros and cons and the individual's goals. I'd be sad to see your blog go, but I fully respect and support whatever decision you make. You need to do what's best for you. I don't want your recovery jeopardized by trying to blog if you already know it'll have a negative influence. I'd still hope to keep in contact with you regardless, even if it's just a quick email every few weeks.
ReplyDeleteI think blogging helps me, in some ways at least. In all of 2013, I literally haven't seen a single friend, not even for a few minutes. Last year wasn't great for my social life either, and it got to the point where I decided to start a blog instead of just reading them. A big part of blogging for me is the social side; making friends and being part of a community. I'd really be lost without the friendships I've made here and their support, both on and off Blogger. Writing posts helps me sort out my thoughts, the feedback helps me figure things out and gives different perspectives. That said, I can't say it's not an unhealthy influence. If I were to actively go into recovery, I'd need to seriously think about what blogs I follow. I don't know if I'd be able to keep blogging, but I'd try. Actually, one of the reasons I chose my unimaginative URL is because it's so neutral, and I'd be able to use it no matter what stage of my ED I'm in.
It's great to hear you have a date for going back to treatment. I'm so proud of you for the positive steps you've taken and are continuing to take. You're a fighter Ruby, keep fighting. I love you heaps, sending tons of hugs <3 xxxx
Yeah, where the fuck did that year go?!? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experience and what new bits of knowledge I have picked up from Kerys, I would say the giving your ED more time by blogging about it is a bad thing. Blogging in general seems to have been positive for you, but by letting your Ed taked over the blog too it has developed a bad influence as well.
Selfishly, I don't want you to stop blogging. You choose to blog or not, though :p You can also choose what to blog about. Just because this started out one way doesn't mean it has to stay that way. It can change and evolve as you do. I'd love to hear about your explorations into trying new hobbies and things to do. What works, what doesn't. Keep the GOOD parts of blogging by keeping the sense of community, but take out the negative aspect of it spending more time of your day with Ed. You can choose to blog about good things that happen, weird shit you've seen, dumb stuff the dogs do, cool things they've learned. Anything and everything. Be honest though. fuck the layers of secrets and misdirection that let this shit get such a strong hold int he first place.
I've started doing my 'Positive Log' every night before bed so I remember the good things that happened in the day and I don't spend so long freaking out in bed staring at the roof. It helps sometimes.
Bloggin has helped me. Honestly, I wouldn't be alive today without having the safe place to vent and without the people I've met here. It is very helpful to me to be able to get what's bugging me out of my head and into words so I can forget it. Sometimes it's bad to do so and I've learned to recognise the situations where it doesn't help. Other times it has helped me see new solutions to a problem or to recognise when I'm just being a whiny brat.
This is YOUR space on the internet. Ultimately you decide what goes here, Nobody else can tell you what to do with it. Nobody forces us to come here and read your blog, and if people don't like it they can just click the little red 'x' and fuck right off!
All my love to you <3
My mother hen advice - Please take a break from blogging. Put your energy towards creating new habits. Instead of blogging try painting or writimg music or even jigsaw puzzles.
ReplyDeletePut new thoughts and ideas in your brain. Force them at first and don't allow ED the bandwidth to be heard.
I am happy to hear that you have a date set to return to treatment. I have faith that you know what needs to be done and are strong enough to make it happen.
Ruby I think a blogging is different for everyone, for some of us it triggers old patterns, for others it gives us the voice to change. Even for me I have had to cut back, I have enjoyed it more since I have done that... I am having a life outside of the internet and I think we all need that. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year, I am glad to hear you want to go back in January, we will both reach our goals in 2014, I have faith in you girl, you just need to really believe that of yourself, once you get that you will soar :)
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning my blog was a cry for some interactions with people who would understand stand what I was feeling. It has swayed with its direction as my mind has changed. I now use my blog to sort out my thoughts and I Love to get feedback. This is the only place I am completely honest about my life. Facebook is for coworkers, rescue work and family only. So I sensor myself. I don't have real friends to talk to about my real problems but blogging has helped me come out of my shell. I am now friendly with a bunch of people and I hope that some of them do become real friends.
ReplyDeleteBlogging about your ED might not be the best thing for you right now but that doesn't mean you can't blog. You can just blog about something else. You as a person is more interesting than the ED. I will read your blog no matter what you write about. If you do continue to blog you might want to be selective about which ones you continue to read. But no matter what do what is best for you.
Hey, tapping this out on my phone, so apologies in advance for typos!
ReplyDeleteBlogging's always been a funny one for me. I've blogged under so many names and urls and quit so many times you can probably tell it's a bit of a grey area for me! Haha!
I've made plenty of friends over the two years I've openly blogged about my ED. A lot of people I've met on here and Wordpress I now know in real life. A few I've actually met in real life and one of my best friends is someone I met through blogger. We don't always talk about our problems either. We talk about other things too, and though we initially bonded over our mutual problems, that's not all our friendship is based on.
I know you read a lot of the recovery blogs I did, and one of the things I've noticed (and you may have noticed too?) is once people recover they stop blogging. They no longer have a need for it. I also think blogging can keep us the same. I used to feel a need to perform a lot of the time. I often felt people read my blog as a form of voyeurism, my life was admittedly a complete train wreck last year, and I did notice that the more my life was falling apart, the more page views I got... That was one of the things that forced me to rethink things a little...
Also I moved again in August because my family and friends kept finding my blog. I nearly quit then. My attitude is, 'if I don't want them reading it, then why the hell is it up in the first place, for the world to see?'
I've thought about my relationship with blogging too, and have considered quitting myself. I suppose the positives outweigh the negatives still, so I'm still here.
I've noticed a real change in your posts since you've come out of hospital. You seem much more insightful, and I hope you can go back and be able to do better in treatment.
I think it is a good idea to rethink your relationship with blogging. It can mean you get very trapped in this one world. Do what's best for you and your own mental health.
Agnes x
Typing this reply on mobile sorry for any mis spellings etc, I find it helpful, even though not a lot of people read my blog or comment, it gives me a space to vent freely without my emotions being dismissed or undermined as most of my family do. It's a good release for me and probably a healthier way to express my anxiety. Peace and love. Xxx
ReplyDelete