I promise you

Monday again
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I over indulged on my meds last week leaving me with nothing for Sunday
I didn't sleep a wink last night
I stayed up all night chain smoking and drinking endless cups of hot, sweet tea
I watched the movie Never Let Me Go
Perfect for an insomniac with too much time to think

I dragged my weary carcass out of my bed at 8am to go to the doctor
The first thing I noticed when I sat down was his Christmas tie
When I complimented him on it he proudly pressed a button and lights lit up on it and festive music played
I had to laugh as the music continued to play as he tried to discuss serious medical matters
The first thing he asked me was how I had got on with less sleeping tablets
I guess a face that hasn't slept paints a thousand words
I explained how I hadn't slept last night (true)
And how my sleep hadn't been great during the week (false)
So he agreed to keep me on the sleeping tablets
For now

I remarked how he had probably noticed that I am very resistant to coming off any meds
He said he had
How could he not?
He said that people are put on meds in hospital and then never come off them
That would be fine with me because the truth is I am freakin' terrified of coming off any of my meds
Especially the methadone
I'm on it 10 long years now I don't remember life without it
Even this morning, after not having it for 48 hours, I could feel the withdrawal setting in
The dull ache in my bones
The sweats
And that scares the be-Jesus out of
You would think that it would scare me in the direction of wanting to come off it
But it makes me want to stay on it even more

I had an extremely vivid drug using dream last week
It's a recurring dream
In the dream I inject myself
The thought of going back to that life is beyond frightening
I would rather die

Anyway back to the matter at hand
It's Christmas time
A veritable nightmare for an anorectic
And for a bulimic?
Well, it makes for a binge filled holiday week
I am half dreading, half looking forward to Christmas
We also have a family wedding on the 28th so there will be mucho family event, lunches, dinners, drinks etc
If I thought about it too much I would crawl in to my bed with a bottle of vodka and not get up until February

I'm trying to use the skills I learned in hospital to help me through
I'm not going to put pressure on myself
I'm going to do as much or as little as I can
I'll join in
I'll help with Christmas dinner
I'll attend the wedding
But I won't be pushing myself beyond what I feel comfortable doing
It sounds a bit selfish
A bit self serving
But it's the only way I am going to get through the next two weeks

I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more

So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can  get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you

I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But while I was in hospital I got a glimpse of myself with my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that  maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too

Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you

With love,

Ruby x