Christmas day came and went
Just like any other day
I made an effort to be a normal human being
I attended mass with my mother in the morning
I watched the local Christmas swim with my Dad and dogs
I helped out with the cooking
I made Eton mess for dessert
I resisted taking my meds until dinner was over
Bulimia was an unwelcome guest though
She managed to worm her way in and tried her damdest to ruin my day
Today I am trying to get back on track
Although my mood has dipped quite a lot
The next few days will be hard
I have a family wedding
Many lunches, dinners, drinks to follow in the next few days
If I thought about it too much I think I would crumble
Since coming home my mood has been good
Too good
I had almost convinced myself that things were going well
But now that I look back I can see I was slowly slipping over the last 2 weeks
My ED subtly creeping back in
Then yesterday I came down with a bang
It was like I was holding on for Christmas and then when it was over I plummeted back down earth
My weight had been dropping
But yesterday it went up
Albeit a very small amount but it still went up
I'm sure most people would be delighted to gain so little over the holidays
But here in ED-Land normal rules do not apply
I'm wondering if that it is why my mood dropped so much
It's always been intrinsically linked to my weight
I hate that
I hate that those little red numbers on my scale have such power over me
It makes me wonder how the hell I am going to allow myself to gain when I go back in to treatment
Imelda from the programme is ringing me on Monday
I'm half hoping she won't
I'm half hoping that everyone will forget all about it and I can continue on my journey in to oblivion
Sometimes I read blogs and I think to myself 'That poor girl, my heart breaks for her'
I get angry at how much some people have to suffer
I have to remind myself that I am one of those people
I am sick
I am unwell
I am struggling
I need help
It's not my job to save everyone else
I need to save myself
I've been thinking a lot about this blog
I've decided to keep writing for the moment but I won't be reading other blogs or commenting as much
Taking in everyone's struggles is just too much at the moment
I can just about deal with my own
Take care x
Take care of yourself Ruby, no one else can. I read a cute little line the other day. Pretend you are a plant. You need more than just water to thrive, even plants need nutrients.
ReplyDeleteThanks Josie, take care of you x
DeleteRuby you have to what's best for you.... you do neee to take care of yourself xox
ReplyDeleteThanks Launna x
DeleteSo wait... you know that nearly everyone who reads your blog and offers you kind words is struggling too... but you'll accept their kind words and their support but never mind about them?
ReplyDelete*hugs* i understand completely how you're feeling. any time i attempt some sort of recovery, reading others' blogs is very triggering and always hurts my goals. writing in my own, and receiving encouragement from my girls during such times is always a great help though. do what's best for you. stay strong.
ReplyDeleteYour new year's resolution could be to let yourself try recovery? I understand oblivion is a tempting path and I would be a hypocrite to preach recovery at you, but if there is a flittering part that wants to try, grab onto it. Because we know it's far too easy to fall, ever so hard to climb back up again - as a parody of Marya Hornbacher I can't remember her quote exactly!! Love you Ruby, hang in there xxx
ReplyDeleteWe are all struggling, I am so sorry you are going through so much. Our ED's seem to weasel in and ruin so many things in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI understand you wanting to take a break from reading other blogs. At times I find it triggering to indulge in other's behaviors, but I always find myself coming back. I am so glad that you're back to blogging at the moment. I have missed you so much. I hope you find the courage to keep fighting your ed and beat the demon some day. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
The phrase "I resisted taking my meds until dinner was over" is really disturbing. How bad have the addiction behaviours gotten with them, love?
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to break the weighing habit so it doesn't control your mood so much? Or do you need to know if you're getting near sectioning weight?
Look after yourself, ok? I want to come ride horses with you in November. Get me over my fear of riding. (I'm big enough and ugly enough to admit that it scares me a bit. Not being able to read the body language of a half-ton critter who I barely know. GAH!)
Saw something on Tumblr and thought of you:
"Your worst day in recover is better than your best day in relapse. Keep going."
Still, you have to be honest with yourself and not go into the 'Lalala everything is fine really look, see?' denial mode that we do to cope.
No, it's fine. No, my parent's aren't scary, yours just act nice when I'm around. This is normal. Everything is fine.
It's hard to admit when shit has gone wrong, but if you don't acknowledge it then you can't stop it from going to hell around you.
Love you Ruby. Kia kaha <3