24 Days

Today is my 24th day in treatment
I've been meaning to post for ages but we are kept so busy here it's hard to find a quiet moment to write
At the time of writing my last post I was on threat of discharge for failing to meet my weight targets
The good news is that I did reach my target and even managed to get off bedrest
The bad news is that I did have some backlash from the weight gain
This past weekend was incredibly difficult and I purged quite a bit
This morning my weight was down 1kg
I was so disappointed because now I will probably be on bedrest again on Wednesday

I find motivation so hard to maintain
It comes and goes and waxes and wanes
Some days I wake up feeling so motivated and so hopeful
Like this morning
I had such a bad weekend and even felt like discharging myself
But today I feel more able to fight and want to get through that day without purging
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I have only had one purge free day
And I have yet to gain and maintain any significant amount of weight

I have to admit that I am quite stuck
I am on the fence
Even though my life was a complete mess before I came here, there is still a part of me that wants to hold on to the ED
My ED would have believe that I am not that bad
That my case is not that serious
But deep down I know that that is my ED trying to lure me back in
She tells me that I don't deserve my place here in treatment
That I can function and still hold on to her
She tells me that my weight is not that low
That  am not critical
She tells that I need to prove to others that I have an ED and can lose weight
That I need to live up to the title of 'anorectic'

I keep having to remind myself that I am 32
That I have been living this way for almost 14 years
That before I came in here I was purging 10 - 15 times  day
That weight is not always an indicator of how ill we are
That they wouldn't have given me a place in treatment if they didn't think that I needed it
I keep having to remind myself that I am ill
I am struggling
I do have an eating disorder
And it is serious
I am not an anorectic imposter
I am not a fraud
I deserve to be here

Today I am trying
I am fighting
I am doing the opposite of my what my ED wants
Even though I feel so uncomfortable that I could burst
Even though all I want to do is purge
Even though I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and telling everyone to fuck off
Even though I want to crawl in to my bed and stay there forever
I am still going to try

I am treating today as an experiment
I will eat my meals and not purge and see what happens
I won't know unless I try right?
I won't know that recovery is like until I try
My ED will always be there
I can always go back to it
Recovery might not always be there

As I said we are kept very busy here
Today we had goals group, recreation and then we usually have CBT in the afternoon
And of course food
For breakfast we are expected to have cereal and bread or a cooked breakfast and bread
I usually opt for toast and an egg
For lunch we have either a starter and main or main and dessert
And for tea we have whatever is on with bread
Sometimes I feel like all I do is eat
For everyone else meals times are a break but for us it is a huge challenge
After every meal we have post meal group
This is where we can talk about our meals and if we had any difficulties
It's great for me because I need the extra support when I feel like purging

We are not made do anything here
We are not made eat
We are encouraged to take responsibility for our own actions
And I think it works better that way as when we go home we will have to do it ourselves

A journalist from the Daily Telegraph contacted me last week
She wanted to know of she could interview me for an article she is doing for Eating Disorder Awareness Week
The article will be published at the end of next month but I will let you know in advance when exactly that is

I hope you are all doing ok
I miss reading your blogs

Take care,

Your friend,

Ruby x