I'm home
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I knew it was going to happen so I wasn't surprised
I actually managed to lose weight while in treatment
My weight is now the lowest it's been for a couple of years
Who does that?
Who goes in to treatment and manages to lose weight?
Me apparently
I have mixed feelings about being home
It's lovely to see my family and dogs
And it's such a relief to have the pressure to weight targets removed
But I am also afraid
Afraid that I will slip back in to the dreaded binging and purging
I just can't handle that
My mind can't handle it
And my body sure can't handle it
They told me in treatment that psychologically I have it
That I have good insight and awareness
I can talk the talk but unfortunately that doesn't translate in to action
Being in treatment is a double edged sword
Yes you have the benefit of support from all the other girls
Yes we can be a good influence on each other
But we can also be a bad influence on each other
We picked up each others habits
Sometimes it felt like a competition to be the thinnest and the sickest
Meal time were particularly tense
We had one eye on our food and the other eye on what everyone else was eating
It was hard
As much as I loved the other girls, sometimes it was just too much
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I was in treatment for 3 months
I spent a lot this time on bedrest so cabin fever had begun to set in
It was such a relief to get off the ward
'So what now?'
I hear you cry
The honest answer is that I don't know
My BMI has dropped to 15
My motivation and will to live is just not there today
The really sick part of me wants to see if I can drop to a BMI of 14
Then I will allow myself to gain weight
What a load of horse shit!
I know that the second I reach that BMI, there will be a short lived feeling of satisfaction
But then it will on to the next target
Anorexia is never satisfied
We never win this sick game that we play with her
We always lose
Always
Please don't hang your happiness on a number on a scale
Not on your clothes being size zero
Not on weighing the same as a child
Not on your bones protruding
Not on the attention you get for being so thin
There's more to life than just your ED
You are more than your ED
I am sorry things didn't work out for you Ruby. I wish I had some advice.
ReplyDeleteI. Do. Not. Understand. Is a schizophrenic discharged for continuing to hear voices during treatment? Is a suicidal person discharged for trying to harm themselves? Noncompliance is a SYMPTOM of eating disorders. It enrages me that you have been rejected precisely because you are sick.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Ruby, I have no answers. But damnit, somebody ought to.
I don't know what the answer is but sending you home is not the answer... I also don't think it is good grouping you all together as you said, you feed of each other...
ReplyDeleteRuby, my heart aches for you, please don't give up... keep trying to find a way to beat ED...
Sweetie you're telling us not to aim for something you yourself are still aiming for and you know if your bmi gets that low over here you risk section and then you'll have no choice but to gain weight in a way that will be way more scary if it's out of your control :/ have you thought about seeing the gp or asking Mary her advice or do you really want to just have the freedom to lose atm if your heart isn't in it? I love you, I'm sorry it didn't work and that you couldn't ask for help while you were there and I understand. I wish you could apply the advice you give to yourself because you're deserving of it as well xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Ruby, it's so nice to hear from you, I just wish it was under better circumstances. Don't aim for a lower BMI. The last thing you want is to be tube fed. That's more damaging to our self esteems. Sending you all my love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Oh Ruby, I'm sorry to hear that. It seems bizarre to me too, that noncompliance gets you discharged. Over here noncompliance generally means a longer admission until you do comply. Are there any outpatient programs you can do, or any extra supports you can access apart from Mary? Your head's in the right place even if you aren't able to act on it just yet, and maybe being out of the group setting will help you move forward. I've missed you heaps. Sending lots of love and hugs to you <3 xx
ReplyDeleteYou're really strong. You've been through a lot, and you can't give up now. (I'm sorry if I'm creepy- I have schizophrenia and often I don't understand social/internet cues.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree. It's stupid to release someone because they don't comply, especially if that person is trying really, really hard to comply. From what I can tell you stopped or cut down on the purging during treatment- and somehow that means that you sould be released? If I had been released from the hospital before I was ready, then I might have actually killed myself or gotten into a confrontation with police (obviously not what you're going to do...).
How is it even legal to deny treatment for that reason?
I have also failed out of treatment so to speak. I completely agree I can walk the walk of treatment but translating that into action completely different story. Sometimes it takes more than one or two or three attempts. If you want recovery you will get it, don't lose heart you will get what you work for. The hard part is deciding which one: Ed or recovery. I'm sorry your going through this.
ReplyDeletewith love,
ell
I'm sorry Ruby. I hope you'll find some extra help outside and if you need support I'm here
ReplyDeleteOh shit that's not good.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to make the thoughts into action, especially when shit's been with you as long as it has.
Love you to bits. Stay warm up there love <3