It's been four days since I was discharged
Reality bites!
I'm finding it quite hard to settle in
I actually miss the hospital
I miss the girls
The support
The laughter
And the tears (there were plenty of those I can assure you!)
I am very much on my own here at home
In hospital I was surrounded by people all the time
I had always presumed that I was a bit of a hermit
That I was perfectly content with my own company
But being in treatment made me realise that I actually do like to be around people
I enjoyed the banter and the support everyone gave each other
I miss that
It's always the way that when I'm home I want to be in hospital
And when I'm in hospital, all I want is to go home
It's so nice to be around other people who get me
So refreshing not to have to put on a mask
Everyone was so honest and open and I loved that
I saw my doctor yesterday morning
He asked me how I had got on
I explained that I been discharged for failing to meet my weight targets
'What was the point of you being there then?' he asked
I tried to explain that I did try in treatment but struggled massively to allow myself to gain weight
I also told him how my doctor in hospital said that I am too reliant on my meds
And that is true
I depend on them so much to help me get through the day
He said we may look in to reducing the methadone at the end of the month
Let's hope he forgets about that one, wink wink!
I'm on quite a lot of meds now
The sick part of me is absolutely fine with this
But I know that I can't stay on them forever
My team in treatment were always telling that I don't need all these meds
That I can cope without them
They tell me that I need to have more faith in my abilities
It's true
I am afraid that without the meds and the ED I will just crumble
They used to say that I have come through heroin addiction
So I can come through this too
I had to think about how I stopped using
The simple answer is that I had just gotten to the point with drugs that I was either going to try recovery or disappear
So I made a deal with myself
I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if nothing changed then I would kill myself
It sounds a bit dramatic but it kept me going
Knowing I could always go back to the drug kept me going
And of course things did improve
I broke free from an opiate addiction and walked straight in to the arms of anorexia
For so long I have been depending on these behaviours
So now I know no other way
And the thought of losing this crutches is so scary
I have to be honest at this point
My heart is not in recovery at the moment
I can't pretend that I am in recovery because I am not
I'm struggling
I'm beaten and broken
I just can't seem to summon up the energy or the motivation to fight this thing
And I sure can't be going around telling everyone else what they should be doing when I can't even do it myself
For the first time in a long time I am quite worried about myself
I can feel the toll this thing is taking on my body and mind
And I have slipped back in to my behaviours so quickly
I have no fight left in me
So what now?
Now I try to maintain things so they don't spin out of control
I'm not weighing myself
I'm not getting sucked in to that cruel game
Not this time
I can't underestimate anorexia/bulimia
They would have you believe that you are doing well
Then like poisonous snake she winds her way around you
Tangling herself in your body and mind
She seeps poison in to your body until you are so weak you are her prisoner
She takes no prisoners
Today I feel tired
Worn out
Indifferent
Numb
Drugged up
Weak
Lonely
Araid.........
I'm sorry to see you struggle so much at the moment, and I hope you can keep treading water for a while, it feels like there's no winning at times, so much confusion and paradox and struggling, I hope you battle through, you might not be ready for recovery now, I understand that feeling verrryyyyyy well, but that does not mean you don't need support still. I hope you can find some around you and cling to it until you're ready to try and swim through the dark waters again.
ReplyDeleteAre there any friends you could reach out to, or start an activity that will surround you a little more?
Love xxxx
I'm sorry but I hope you'll recover if it's this you really really want. Maybe you're not ready now, but we are here and we'll support you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteLove, Anya
Rooting for you Ruby. Just keep thinking, where is this getting you...please keep fighting. Especially now that you're home, this is where your behaviors matter most. Stay strong and please don't give up <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're struggling so much Ruby. Sadly it's too easy to fall back into behaviors when you get back to the real world and no longer have 24/7 support. I remember you saying that before, that you committed yourself to 6 months of recovery from your addiction. I will always admire you for your strength with quitting heroin, and it just goes to show how overpowering our EDs can be. Not weighing yourself is a huge step and I'm proud of you. It can be hard but it's worth it, especially when all it does is make you want for the number to be lower.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you my dear. Please do keep us updated, I'm worried for you.
*hugs* xx
Ruby, we all have addictions, some of them more apparent than others.. I am not going to let my addictions rule me... I don't want to live that way... I hope you find the desire to get at the root of why you are so addicted ... I had to look into that, I did a lot of counseling... I still have a way to go but I am not giving up... I hope you don't either...
ReplyDeleteI get tired too... we all do... love you Ruby xox
This post made me sad and I won't lie I was frustrated with you. We've been reading each others' blogs for a little over a year and I had hoped that you'd be in a better place. I can't overlook your attempts, however. It's a hard thing to kick. It took me a good eight years starr to finish to acknowledge and work on healing. I recommend looking up motivational interviewing. They teach us about it in my counseling classes and I think it's really great. It addresses ambivalence when it comes to change and covers change plans. They use it a lot for treating addictions and I whole heartedly believe EDs have addiction roots. Anyway, I think it has some great skills for everyone struggling with something or some choice to utilize.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that you CAN function without meds. You have the capability to function as a sober and healthy adult but you got away to things that were bad for you. You gotta return to that time before all this, maybe work through what's at the heart of it all. As a person in recovery I have found that sometimes it's useful to not say you'll remove the ED as your main goal but to understand why you're in this place and how you got here. Once you reflect, understand, and begin to heal you slowly work out the knots and begin to no longer need these unhealthy coping mechanisms. I'm scared all the time. I feel like I'm discovering myself at 23 and I feel stunted in some areas but it takes a certain amount of patience, self respect and self love. It's possible but it's hard and you need those friendships and things outside of the disorder. You have to seriously assess strengths you have and build on tgem, show yourself what you're capable of.
I believe you can do it, you just need a purpose and realize that you've won a few battles and can do it. I'll keep you in my prayers because I desperately want you to make it.
Awe honey, I can so relate with everything that you wrote. Especially the meds. I can't imagine my life without them. I'm sorry that you're struggling so bad. I know it can be tough, but maybe one day you will be in recovery and you can say you came out stronger on the other side. Stay strong my dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Honesty is the best thing. I can't stand it when people bullshit. I've been lied to so fucking much it's just. . . ugh no words.
ReplyDeleteFully understand where you're coming from with this. Gah it suck to have your head keep doing this and everyone thinks it's just so fucking EASY 'all you have to do is...' blah blah blah. If it was as fucking easy as those ignorant cunts think then we wouldn't need treatment places.
Look after yourself as much as you can. Love you heaps Ruby. No matter what your brain tells you, I think you're pretty darn awesome <3