Anxiety

I don't know about you but I suffer from anxiety in a big way

I wasn't always like this

I remember being a teenager

I was so fearless

Nothing phased me

I could talk to anyone

Go anywhere

I was quite content just being me

Well actually that's not 100% accurate because I started drinking and drugging when I was a teenager so maybe there was anxiety there and I just didn't recognize it

Anyway I spent quite a few years in a drug and alcohol fuelled haze so if there was anxiety there it was well covered up

My eating disorder then cane to the fore when I got clean

And a bundle of anxiety came with it

For me, anxiety is a fear that I won't be able to cope with whatever life throws at me

It's constantly asking the question 'What if?'

What if I go out and leave the cooker on and the house burns down down?

What if I drive  up this hill and the car cuts out?

What if I start a new job and no one likes me?

What if..........?

It's constantly projecting in to the future and predicting the worst

I think anxiety also stems form having low self esteem and low self confidence

If you have very little confidence in your abilities, then you don't have a lot of faith that you can cope with the unpredictable 

I find that I have great difficulty making decisions

Because I think that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choice

It could be something as small as what brand of bread to buy

Or what colour to dye your hair

It's a fear of getting it wrong

Part of me can understand why people with OCD  obsessively wash their hands or use constant checking to ease their anxiety

The behaviours go some way to relieve their anxiety and make them feel better

Because I bought a new car recently I have had quite a lot of anxiety around it

My new car is an automatic and up until now I have only ever driven a manual

My father was encouraging me to go for this car but I was hesitant

I had very little self belief that I would manage the automatic

In the end I went for it and lo and behold, I can do it!

To date, I have successfully dodged 2 dogs, a cat and a sheep

(Did I mention I also have anxiety about running over an animal?)

Last week I was driving to another town about half an hour away

A few minutes in to the drive I began to think that one of the pedals was slippery

Cue visions of me crashing in to the nearest tree

I started to feel panicky and kept feeling the pedal with my foot

My breathing became shallow

I felt shaky and I was sweating buckets

I had to turn down the radio and take deep breathes until it began to pass

And it does pass

I experience a lot of anxiety around the unpredictable

If everything is going along as planned, then I am fine

But if something happens that I haven't foreseen

Then you can bet that my old friend anxiety will begin creeping in

Although this is all happening in my head, anxiety can be a very physical thing

I remember at Christmas I was asked to do a reading at my uncle's wedding

I can't tell you how much anxiety and stress that 3 lined prayer of the faithful caused me

For days before it I was obsessively reading it over and over again

The day of the wedding I had my brother on standby in case I just couldn't do it

As I sat in the church my heart thumped so loud in my chest, I was sure everyone could hear it

My palms were sweating

My face was twitching

It was like a huge adrenalin surge and all I could think was 'What if I fall?'

What if I stand up and my skirt is stuck in my pants?

What if I go blank and mess it all up?

All these thoughts were whizzing through my head and I really thought I was about to pass out

But I did it

I managed to act like the veritable swan

Calm on the surface but paddling furiously beneath it

So what if I had fallen

I'd simply have stood up, brushed myself off and continued as if nothing had happened

If my skirt had got caught, I'm sure someone would have told me

That's the thing with anxiety

The anxiety before an event is always far worse than the event itself

It's the anticipation

The run up to the event

9 times out of 10 things run perfectly smoothly

And if it doesn't?

So what?

I'll manage 

I'll cope

I just need to have more faith in myself

It's not the end of the world

I'll feel the fear and do it anyway

She says so confidently until the next time she gets anxious

I am on meds for anxiety

Quite a lot of meds

Yes, it does take the edge off

Mindfulness also helps

But nothing eases my anxiety completely

It's part of life

We all experience it

Some more than others

But most people don't let it stop them living their lives

Whereas at the moment I have

The strange thing is that I tend to get anxious about the smaller things in life

The big stuff doesn't phase me as much

I'd do a bungee jump any day of the week

But walk in to a room full of people I don't know?

No thank you very much

I was wondering about you?

Do you experience anxiety?

What helps you deal with it?

Answers on a postcard please............