Stolen

My local shop is just down the road
I'm probably in there every single day
I used to shop lift food from that shop
When I think back on it, it was such a stupid thing to do
But I was unwell
I am unwell
This behaviour is one of lesser known things about eating disorders
For a long time I had no clue that my stealing was part of the disorder
I didn't know why I was doing it
I just felt a huge compulsion to do it
And it wasn't just food
It was anything
It was make up from the pharmacy
Clothes from a shop
Jewellery
Gifts
Treats for my dogs
Anything

I kept this shameful secret to myself for the longest time
I put it down to me being a bad person
Everytime I did it I would swear it was the last time
But it never was
I couldn't stop

I used to go in to my local supermarket and fill a shopping bag with binge food and walk out the door
I used to slip make up in to my pocket
Jewellery up my sleeve
I still have 2 boxes of unused make up in my bedroom
I didn't need it
I don't used it
It wasn't about necessity
It wasn't about not being able to afford it
To this day I am not quite sure what it was about
Maybe it was seeing something and wanting it right there and then
Maybe it was about the high of walking out of a shop without paying
Maybe it was about courting danger
Maybe I wanted to get caught
I don't know

Then one day I was reading the paper and I saw that a girl from my home town who had won a national beauty pageant was arrested for shoplifting in a clothes shop
Pyjamas if I remember correctly
It was reported that she had an eating disorder
I remember thinking that was strange
She had no reason to shoplift
I wondered if it was something to do with her condition

Then I was reading a blog on Wordpress one day and a girl called Fiona was describing how she used to shoplift food and had been arrested for it
I emailed her straight away
I wanted to know more
She explained to me how her stealing was all part of her illness
It all made sense to me
I was almost thankful to find out this information
I was glad that I wasn't doing this because I was a thief and a bad person
I was ill

The next time I went in to treatment I asked about the link between eating disorders and shop lifting
I remember being told that yes, there was a definite link
I was so relieved
Even though I was doing this horrible thing
Al least now I knew there was a reason for it
It is more strongly linked to bulimia rather than anorexia
Maybe because bulimia is so impulsive

Over the years I have met others who have used this behaviour
And I'm sure a lot more do but are too ashamed to admit it
I don't steal anymore
I have too much to lose
I did it once since coming out of treatment
I felt such huge guilt that I haven't done it since
I was lucky
I was never caught
But I remember talking to Mary about this
She said that the shops may have known I was doing this and didn't pursue it because I was ill
I hope to God that they don't know
I live in a small town
Word spreads like wild fire
But maybe they did know
I'll never know if they did or not

I'm writing about this today because I'm sure some of you out there have experienced this
I'm sure some of you have been there
I wanted to address this subject to let you know that if you are doing this, it's not because you are bad
It's not because you are thief
It's because it is part of the illness
It's a behaviour
It's a symptom of a bigger problem
Our eating disorders would have us believe that we are bad people
That we are selfish and greedy
That we only think of ourselves
We are not bad people
Far from it
The people that I have met with eating disorders are some of the most caring, loving and kind people that I ever met

I firmly believe that our eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies
They get stronger of we don't speak out and talk about these things
If I hadn't started talking about the fact that I was stealing, I would probably still be doing it
And why don't we speak out?
Because we are ashamed
Because we are embarrassed
Because we are afraid of others reaction
Of people laughing at us
Rejecting us
Not understanding us

I also firmly believe that people use behaviours for a reason
And people are the way they are for a reason
If someone is binging and purging 10 times a day, it's not because they are a happy, well adjusted person
They started using that particular behaviour for a reason
It serves a purpose
If someone is a bully they probably have someone who is bullying them
Everyone is the way they are for a reason

Anyway
I'm going slightly off topic here
I just think that breaking the silence on these topics is half the battle
At least then we can address the situation
We can do something about it
So if you are shoplifting
If you are hiding something that is eating you up inside
Tell someone
Tell one person that you trust
I promise you  it helps
It really does
I am living proof of that
I am not proud of the fact that I used to shoplift
I don't particularly like admitting to it
But if talking about it means that I am less likely to do it again
Then I will do that
And I hope you will too