Comfortably numb

My friend and I went to our mindfulness course last night
It seems that everyone except me is having these profound experiences
Everyone is learning
And growing
Coming back week after week with little miracles that have happened in their life due to practising mindfulness
I feel a bit left out
Like everyone has joined this amazing spiritual club and I haven't been invited
It's not like I haven't been trying
I really have
I have been meditating
Practising love and kindness
And nothing
I don't feel any different
I still feel anxious
I still feel like a mental basket case
Why is nothing happening for me?

I was talking with my friend after the course
She seems to be getting a lot out of the course
Over the last while she has come on leaps and bounds recovery and spiritually wise
We had a really honest chat
She also has a really good sponsor
And that has helped her massively
I told her that I think my medication is a big barrier in my life
That I don't feel like I am really clean and sober
And I don't
The feeling I get off my meds, even when I take the correct, dose is the same feeling I used to get from heroin
It reminds of that sleepy, dozy feeling
With my meds I can zone out when ever I want
I can check out of reality
Opt out of life for a few hours
I suspect this is why I am not getting more out of the course

It all boils down to one thing
Do I want to be clean and sober?
Am I willing to give up all mind altering substances?
Am I willing to surrender myself to a higher power?
And turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him
I do  and I don't want to be clean and sober
Most of the time I do
But then there are times when I just want out
I want to sleep
I want to be numb
There are times when I just can't handle reality and everything that comes with it
But in the same breath I know that I can't have both
I can't have recovery and still misuse my meds
I can't have my cake and eat it

If I am honest I know that I am on too much meds
I don't need them all
If any of them
They are a nice little cushion to protect me from the big bad world

My friend is also a recovering addict and also has an ED
She told me that things only began to improve for her when she stopped running
Stopped trying to hide
When she got completely honest with herself
It's been a pattern in my life that I get on top of one addiction
And quickly replace it with another
I look at my friend and I want what she has
Peace of mind
Contentment
Her life is not perfect
But she is better equipped to deal with life
Ans she lives life on life's terms
She truly is in recovery

I know that I need to address my meds situation if I want to move on
In less than  a year I will be off methadone completely
And I need to be prepared for that
I need to have other coping methods in place
Before it's too late

We have homework this week
I have to name 5 issues in my life that I need to address
Here are mine

1. - Medication
2. - Food issues
3. - Finances
4. - Relationship with my nephew
5. - Independence

Then name 3 things that will happen in one year if I don't

1. - I could die
2. - I could suffer major health problems
3. - I could relapse

It really is quite scary to realise the consequences that could happen as a result of my behaviour
Even though things have improved recently
I still have an awful lot of work to do
My food is better but there are still issues that I need to address
My ED still has a certain hold over me
And so does my addiction


I was wondering about you
What are 5 issue in your life that need to be addressed?
What will happen if you don't address them?
Answers on a postcard please........