I figured I knew why she wanted it
Then it arrived today
A thick cream envelope with my name neatly printed in careful silver writing
I knew what it was before I opened it
A wedding invitation
I am of the age now where my friends are starting to get married
I am of the age where people usually settle down and have children
I am of this age but my life is far removed from that
So far removed that I can't possibly imagine it happening to me
I was bestfriends with this girl when I was about 14
We lived in the same housing estate
Her in one of the big expensive houses at the front
And me in one of the more modest houses at the back
We had so much fun together
And got in to shit loads of trouble together
We started sneaking out to nightclubs at age i4
We drank together
Took drugs together
All the rites of passage that a teenager goes through
When she was 14 she went through a really tough
I won't go in to it here just in case
Suffice to say, it was something that no 14 year old should have to deal with
I remember the rumours that went around the school
I remember defending her honour
And getting in to fights trying to protect her
I remember writing her a letter at that time
Trying to help in any way that I could
Trying to make her smile again
She was strong
She got through it
And grew up to be a beautiful girl
After school we drifted apart
She went to college
I got addicted to heroin
Our lives never really crossed paths
But I did see her from time to time
She always sends me a birthday message
I inevitably forget hers
In fairness she tried to stay in contact more than I did
I was living in a different world
Where she was dating and studying
I was living in the murky underworld that is drug addiction
Mum ran in to her on a train when I was in hospital last year
She asked for my number and she did text me
I can't remember if I texted her back
It's strange
We grew up minutes apart
Went to the same school
We inseparable
But our lives turned out so differently
I still carry a certain amount of shame for the way my life turned out
This girl now lives in a very fashionable part of Dublin with her wealthy boyfriend
I live with my Mum
I could let this get to me
I could feel like the lesser person
I could feel inadequate
But I won't
Yes, our lives are ions apart
But I firmly believe that everything happens for reason
I do believe that my life has a purpose
A meaning
Maybe that meaning isn't all together clear yet
But I have no doubt that that meaning will become clear
In time
Will I go to this wedding?
My knee jerk reaction is no
But when I think about it, it would be lovely to go
It would be so nice to see her again
And all my school friends
But do I have the courage to go?
The honest answer is that I don't know
I will think about it
I will see how I am closer to the time
It's not that I want to get married
I don't know if I do
I don't know if I want to have children
But it would be nice to have the option
It would be nice to think that it is possible
I always knew that my life wouldn't be normal
I always knew that I would take a different path
I didn't foresee drug addiction and anorexia
But that's the way it turned out
And I am ok with that
I went to a meeting yesterday
It was amazing
It was all women
There was so much strength
Such brutal honesty
I even spoke myself
I listened to the other women speaking
They seemed to have such peace of mind
I want that
I want what they have
I know what I have to do on order to get there
I need to be honest
I need to be honest with myself first
And others
I need to take my meds properly
I need to address my ED habits
My old sponsor was there
It was so lovely to see her
I think I will ring her
I don't know yet what I want out of life
I don't know what lies in store
But I know that I choose recovery and follow my progamme
That it will all fall in to place
All I have to do is not pick up that drink or drug
As long as I don't do that I know I will be ok
And I will be ok
I just have a feeling that everything will be ok
I will reply today
I'm around the same age as you, and I completely understand this.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to compare yourself with other people, how they're doing and the life they have. Just remember there are people looking at you hoping and wishing they can get to the stage you're at. Clean, on the path to recovery and treading your own path in life.
I sit firmly in the middle on this.
I know on paper my life looks good, successful and normal. But it's not and I look at old school friends and wish I could fully live life like they do instead of being trapped in my head with all this self hatred and lack of confidence.
Most people don't know what my life is really like inside my own head. The ones that do (my best friend), are doing worse than me and I think I make them feel like a failure. It's a horrible thought.
Really interesting post, touched a nerve with me this.
C x
Hey C, yes I guess it's normal for people of our age to feel a bit like this
DeleteIt is so hard not to compare ourselves
Especially when you can see everyones life on Facebook and everything
We're doing ok though C
Everything for a reason
Hope you are well x
I'm also around the same age, up two years, and as much understanding from my part as I read in the comment of C above mine.
ReplyDeletePeoply my age seem to have it all, a life, a relationship, a carreer and here's me... The screw up....
Trying not to let it get to me, but I know how confrontations like a wedding invitation can hurt...
I hope you'll keep on remembering all the lovely things you wrote about, of your joined past...
And great that you went to a meeting again! Makes me really proud! You áre doing better, just re-read like 20 of your blogs, you'll see!
love A
Thanks A
DeleteIt seems unfair the way some people have such an easy life
And then there are others who really seem to feel things more acutely
I haven't led a normal life by any stretch of the imagination but it has made me who I am
Love to you A x
I hope you go to the wedding Ruby, I think it will be nice to connect with some old friends... if anything it is different than what you are used to... getting out of your comfort zone might me fun :)
ReplyDelete