Change

Even though I threw my scale in to the lake
There is still a scales in the house
I brought it in to my room a couple of days ago
Since then I have been daring myself to stand on it
The argument in my head went something like this

Anorexia: Why don't you weigh yourself, you know you want to

Me: No, it will only wreck my head

Anorexia: Go on, just once, I promise I won't get mad so long as you are under Xkg

Me: I'm not falling for that trick, I know that no matter what I weigh, you will be mad

Anorexia: You and I both know that you have gained weight, wouldn't you like to lose just a little bit?

Me: A little bit?

Anorexia: Yea, just a few pounds, you will feel so much better about yourself. Summer is here and you want to feel good in your body don't you?

Me: Of course I  want to look good but I know if I lose a bit, I will want to lose more

Anorexia: No I promise you, just a few pounds

Me: The last time I lost a few pounds, I ended up in hospital

Anorexia: That was your own fault, you were careless, you let people know that you were struggling
Don't you want to be thin and delicate and fragile

Me: Not if it means that along with the weight I lose my mind and almost my life

Anorexia: Let's just see what you weigh before you decide

Me: Ok just this once.........

I was changing my clothes and the scales was there
Mocking me
Daring me to stand on it
I wanted to but I didn't want to
I wanted to know that number but I didn't want to know
I knew that if it was over a certain weight, I would freak the fuck out

My heart was racing as it does everytime I go to weigh myself
My anxiety was through the roof
I knew that if I stood on the scale, my good mood could change in an instant
But curiosity got the better of me
I tapped the platform and the little red zero popped up
When it settled I carefully stepped on
Holding my breath as if that would effect the number
The numbers climbed and climbed and I was starting to think that this was not a good idea
Eventually the numbers stopped
The number was the exact same as it was the last time Mary weighed me 8 days ago

I had mixed feeling about this
I was glad that I hadn't gained any weight
But I was also slightly disappointed that I hadn't lost any
I haven't been trying to lose weight
But these is still that anorectic part of my brain that wanted to see a lower number

Technically I am still underweight
But I really don't feel it anymore
I feel, well, normal I guess

Although gaining weight is not in any way fun
There have been some benefits
I feel better in myself
I no longer get dizzy when I stand up
I feel stronger
More able
Up until a couple of months ago I felt weak and lethargic
I remember being in a shop one day I had this feeling like I was going to pass out
My car was just outside but I remember thinking that I am never going to make it to my car
It was scary

Another change that has come with weight gain is that I have got my period back
It had been absent for 10 years
All through my twenties
Through my addiction and my ED
I never had a period
And now it's back
It's a strange feeling
It's like I got my first period all over again
I guess it's a good thing as it means that my body is working the way it should
And it's a sure sign that my health is improving
But it's still hard
It means that I am moving further away from my ED
I'm not sure why but that makes me a bit sad

There is a lot of change going on in my life right now
And most of it is positive
But change is hard
It's new and unfamiliar and scary
And a huge part of me wants to run straight in to the arms of my ED
I will keep going though
I will keep fighting for a better life
What is the alternative?