Thank you!

I want to thank you all so so much for the overwhelming support I received after my last post
It truly blows my mind that people read my blog and leave messages of love and encouragement
It means more than you will ever know
Thank you

I must admit that I had quite a wobbly day after throwing away my scales
It was like my ED saw that I was trying so hard to get well
And it went in to overdrive
That on top of the fact that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin right now and it made for a very difficult day
I felt quite reflective after writing yesterdays post
There have been a lot of changes recently
Mostly good
But change is hard
My ED is familiar and comfortable
Anything outside of that is pretty scary
I purged quite a few times yesterday
More than I care to admit
It was the worst day I've had in quite a while
It felt horrible
I felt horrible
It confirmed the fact that I do want to recover
I don't want to live this half life anymore
In anorexias waiting room

Getting used to my new body is taking alot of time and patience
I've gained quite a lot in a short space of time
I don't hate it but it does take some getting used to
Sharp bones and pointy edges have given way to soft curves
I feel bigger
Like I am taking up more space
I haven't reached a healthy weight yet but I am not far off it

It's really very strange because part of me feels like a failure
Like I have failed at having an ED because I have let myself gain weight
It just all feels so unfamiliar
So new
As I said the weight has all gone to my stomach
I'm not happy with that area but I know it will distribute eventually
It's a frustrating process
It's uncomfortable
And scary
But I just have a feeling that I will be ok

I saw my doctor this morning
He told me that Mary had requested up to date blood work
I love Mary
She is so on the ball
So he got the little butterfly needle out
All my veins in my arms have collapsed so he had to take it from my wrist
Painful
And messy
Blood went everywhere including on my clothes
I have a lovely relationship with my doctor
I've seen him every week for the last 10years
We rarely talk about medical issues anymore
Today we talked about child abuse
He reminds me a bit of my dad actually

I have a team meeting tomorrow with my new psychiatrist, Mary and my doctor
It's a family meeting so my Mum will be there too
I am truly blessed to have some great supporters
My family are incredible
The have been through my side every step of this journey
And all the while have kept a sense of humour
I am blessed to have Mary in my life
Everyone should have a Mary in their lives
Often I don't feel deserving of all the amazing people in my life
I get so much and give so little
It doesn't seem fair sometimes

As I said things are not perfect
I still struggle to take my meds correctly
The purging is still there
There is still so much work to do
I can't underestimate the power of my ED
She is cunning and powerful
I know I am at a vulnerable time right now
And my ED will try every trick in the book to lure me back in
I will take things slowly
One step at a time
One bite at a time

I had a reached a point in my life where I thought that recovery was never going to happen for me
And I was ok with that
I thought recovery was something that happened to other people
But now I think that it might be possible
There might be life after ED
I want you to know that it is possible for you too
I thought that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for me
I was an eating disordered addict
With major depression and anxiety
My head was a scary place to be
I courted death
I couldn't see a future
Couldn't see beyond my ED
But if I can do this anyone can
Recovery is there for us all
We just have to reach out and grab it

Again thank you so much for your continued support
At the moment this blog is an incredibly positive thing in my life
Amazing things have happened through this blog
And the best thing was meeting all of you
Knowing that you are all behind me makes this so much easier
So thank you
From the bottom of my heart thank you