The meeting

I met my new psychiatrist yesterday
He is really lovely
Such a gentle manner
I'm kind of glad to change doctors as I used to butt heads with my old one quite a bit
This particular psychiatrist also spoke at the ED conference that I spoke at last year
He said he remembered me
That I gave a very articulate speech

We had a general chat
He reviewed my meds and changes nothing (Thank God)
He asked about the methadone and my plans to come off that
I told him it was being reduced at a rate of 2mls per month
And I hope to be off it completely in a year
He also asked me about my weight
I told him what I think I weigh

He then asked about my day to day life
What do I do to pass the time
I told him that I am a keen writer and write a blog
He seemed very interested in this
He asked me how many hits my blog gets a day
And also about pro-ana
I told him that my blog is most definitely not pro-ana

Then today I had my team meeting with Mary, the new psychiatrist and my doctor
It was a family meeting so my Mum came too
First Mary called me in as she wanted to weigh me and check my BMI because I haven't seen her in a few weeks
I really didn't want to be weighed and I didn't look at the number
But then I saw it when she wrote it down
Mary said that I must have been working hard to increase my weight
I didn't want to hear it
All I could think of was that number
That number that I didn't want to be
My weight is still in the anorexic category but if I gain any more I won't be
For some reason I want to stay in the anorexic category
I'm not ready to be healthy yet

Then we had the main meeting
It went quite well
Everyone was quite positive
My doctor said that I had been co-operating with the methadone detox
And I'm quite stable as regards my addiction
Mary said that I had missed a few appointment and they wanted to know why
I was honest
I said that I was avoiding appointments as I didn't want to be weighed
Mary said that it is so important to come to therapy when so many changes are happening
I know this
I know that I tend to bury my head in the sand when things get tough

They all said that I have a lot of potential
That I have a lot going for  me
I wish I could believe that I have potential
I wish I could see it
My self confidence and self esteem remain low
I am my own worst enemy
I get in my own way

Then they dropped a bombshell
Mary is leaving at the end of the year
I am devastated
They didn't say why
I'll ask her when I see her next
But man that sucks
What will I do without her?
She is my rock
The person who I can really talk to
I will miss her dreadfully

They asked me if I had any concerns
I explained that now I am working towards recovery, I'm worried that there will be more expected of me
That I'll have to get a job or go to college and generally do all the things that normal adults do
My psychiatrist said that the only person putting pressure on myself is me
He said that recovery won't be smooth sailing
There will be set backs and disappointments
He said that they are all working as a team to help me
It's step by step
This makes sense I think
I put massive pressure on myself and I am very hard on myself
But it doesn't need to be that way
I can go at my own pace

I came out of the meeting feeling quite positive
But they may think that things are better than they are
I didn't mention anything about struggling to take my meds properly
In fact my doctor made the point that I haven't messed around with my meds for a long time
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite
Putting on an all singing, all dancing show that everything is fine
They even said to me that I need to be honest with myself and them
How bold am I?

Now that I know what weight I am
It's difficult to maintain things
The ED part of me wants to lose it all
Wants to fast
Or binge and purge
I truly hate knowing the number
I hate the power it has over me
I wish I could see that it is just a number
It doesn't define me
It doesn't say anything about me
My personality
My achievements
My character
I wish I could see that
At the moment I can't
But hopefully some day I will

Despite this setback today I will continue to fight
I will continue to live on my terms
Not on my EDs terms
I will not weigh myself
I will not restrict
And I will do my best not to purge
I've lost almost 14 years to this illness
I'm not willing to lose another  year, month, week to this thing
I've fought my whole life
I know I have an inner strength
And that will see me through
Hopefully