The Itch

We have a family friend who I will call P
We've known him since we moved here 9 years ago
Because it is just me and Mum in the house, we have no man here to do man type things
Like DIY and things like that
So we found P
He's here at least one or two days a week doing something or other
And often he calls in just for a cuppa
P was painting the inside of our house this week so I spent a bit of time with him
Making him  tea and sandwiches
He has seen my ups and downs all through the years

This morning me and Mum were walking the beach and we were talking about P
Mum said that he made a comment to her that I am in very good form
And it is great to see me like that
I remember when I was drinking
P used to be here working in the garden
I would arrive back from the shops with my bottle of vodka and bag full of meds
He would try and get me to help him
Or just talk to him
Anything so I wouldn't be drinking
I never took him up on his offer
I had vodka to drink
And pills to take

Mum reminded me this morning that once P came in to the house and found me passed out on the floor
He stayed with me until I came to
And then brought me for a spin in his van
I don't remember this
But I do have a vague memory of going for tea with him somewhere
Mum said that P didn't tell her about this incident until years later
And that he was very worried about me

My mother also reminded me that she came home many times to find me on the floor
I was taking a lethal combination of alcohol and tablets
I remember every time I bought a bottle of vodka, I would swear it was my last time
Classic alcoholic talk
I couldn't stop
I didn't want to stop
I craved oblivion
I wanted to sleep forever
Because I was drinking I wasn't eating
I was surviving on a diet of booze and pills

I don't remember a lot about that time
Obviously because I was out of my head
I had to ask my mother how this all stopped
She reminded me that I went in to treatment for my ED for the first time
I remember we travelled to Dublin the night before
We stayed in a hotel and I got drunk
I was admitted to hospital the next day
But then I went in to alcohol withdrawal so they promptly kicked me out of treatment
It was an awful time

I can't really remember what happened next
I think I went to a different treatment centre
I managed to stop drinking
But that was only because I was on enough medication to numb me effectively

That seems like a life time ago
So much has happened since then
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
I can look back now and thank my lucky stars that I survived
That I am still here
Alive and kicking
Now that I am in a better place
I can truly see what a dark and horrible time that was
When you are that low you don't realise how bad things are
You don't see the darkness until you have experienced the light
I guess that makes sense

I've been so blessed over the years to have had some amazingly caring people in my life
A lot of them have come and gone
But they have all been there exactly when I needed them
When P found me that day he looked after me
He could have robbed the house
Taken advantage of me
But he didn't
Some people would call them angels sent in to our lives
Some people would call them good samaritans
Who ever they are
They are good and honest people

Addiction is such a horrible place to be
All you want is to be alone with your drink or your drug
Nothing and no one else matters
Not your mother
Your father
Your sister or brother
Even your children
The drug always comes first
Eating disorders are so similar to addiction
I guess they are a form of addiction

I've written this analogy before to describe addiction but I will write it again

Imagine you have an itch
It's the itchiest itch you could ever imagine
It's all you can think about
You are completely consumed by it
You just have to scratch it
You can't help yourself
Now imagine that instead of finger nails you have razor blades
Every time you scratch you tear in to your flesh
Your skin is in ribbons
But you can't stop
That itch is just too powerful
Your family try to get you to stop
They beg you to stop
But you can't
You just can't
You know that if you keep scratching that you will die
You don't care
All you want is the relief from that itch

This is what addiction is like
That itch could be emotional pain
You're in so much pain that you uses anything and everything to numb that pain
Most people will hit a rock bottom of some sort
I had many rock bottoms
Then it boils down to  choice
Do you want to keep going and kill yourself and break your families heart?
Or do you want to have a shot of having a life?
You would think that the answer is simple
But addiction is so cunning and powerful that it will try everything to lure you back in
Just like anorexia or bulimia

In AA they say that the people in the rooms are hand picked
I love that thought
That every one of us is there for a reason
That we matter
We have a purpose
I'm not sure of my purpose yet
Do you have any ideas?