After some thought I decided to delete my last post
I didn't feel right after I posted it
I felt like I had given away too much information
I thought that because I was trying to recover that I shouldn't keep any secrets to myself
And my weight was a big secret
But now I can see that I don't have to share every little bit of information
Weight is a very personal thing
Even people with out EDs don't go around broadcasting their weight
Not sharing my weight is not feeding in to my ED
It's taking care of myself
Some kind commenters pointed out that taking photos of weight and posing in the same clothes is feeding in to my ED
It's looking back and not forwards
You are so right
I guess because my weight is a big issue for me at the moment
I kind of got caught up in what I look like
And it really wasn't fair of me to ask you to compare those photos either
I think that has always been a problem for me
Sharing too much
I am an open person
But I forget that maybe everyone isn't
And maybe some people are uncomfortable with that level of honesty
I don't even know if I can say that I'm in recovery
I still purge
I'm very mindful of my weight
It's hard to know if I am in recovery or if I just wish I was
I talk the talk alright
But do I walk the walk?
I talk about feeling better
Improved mood
Wanting to live
But am I living?
Or do I still have one foot in my ED?
I was at my mindfulness class last night
The guy who gives the class really is inspiring
He talks a lot about how life is so short
How we need to live in the now
Instead of ruminating about the past
Or projecting in to the future
I forget that we have a finite time on this earth
This isn't a dress rehearsal
We get one shot at this thing we call life
So we better make it count
And a life dedicated to anorexia or bulimia or addiction is not a lived
It's a life wasted
I wonder if I am fooling myself that I am in recovery
Do I think that I am better than I actually am?
I guess I thought that when I regained weight that everything would magically fall in to place
But weight re gain is only one small if essential part of recovery
The real work happens in our minds and thoughts
I've been at a place where I've been weight restored but still had an anorectic mind set
It's a truly horrid place to be
I don't want to be there again
I want to not care about the numbers
I want to like my own body
I want to look in the mirror and not want to smash it
I just want to be free of this thing once and for all
I feel like I am in a very strange place at the moment
Some where between my ED and recovery
It's time to pick one once and for all
Here's where I need your help
How do you know when you are in recovery?
How can you tell that you are not in an ED frame of mind?
I really need to know as I can't tell right now
I feel so confused at the moment
you and i are in the same position. i am still very mindful of my weight. i still restrict my food intake (sometimes to very EDish amounts) and end up eating a lot more - the only thing that's changed very much is that i no longer purge. and when i eat more, i feel like that validates my recovery.
ReplyDeleteyesterday i changed that. i don't fuel myself enough. my body is hungry. don't purge anymore but i'm not so healed. why is it that after 1.5 years of recovery i'm still cold all the time regardless i'm eating a lot more than i did? a day on a solid eating plan and i'm sweating and dying because i can finally feel the heat that everyone's dying about?
i think recovery is being one foot in the ED and one foot out. being recovered is finally leaving that uncertainty.
i am also half/half. i have been for a year and a half now. you know what i've learned in that year and a half? we go by our own pace. i learned that there are some girls that are ready to eat 2500 calories from the beginning. i learned there are some that prefer a gradual increase in their intake. i learned that some don't count at all anymore - whether it is because they are not allowed to or because they don't want to be transfixed to numbers. i've learned some are prohibited from exercise, some do, some don't really exercise for calories but do it because they love it. people are different. they are at different points. and each one of them could be said that they are in recovery. i've a few girls that go though lapses of binging and purging. i have girls that go through lapses of starving themselves and whatnot. you are in recovery. it's just that recovery is not smooth-sailing. there is still that very desperate cling on the ED. in my opinion, mine will always be there - whether it be very tight or very loose. at the moment, it's a very loose hold, the kind that i don't really notice is there at all. i still count and see the numbers. it's just that i do not allow them to take over my life as much. maybe one day, i will just see the numbers and they will mean nothing. i am starting to see food as what it is - not an enemy, just an item to fuel myself with. i have to eat in a certain ways to feel this way, but at least i have felt it. that is a win for me.
you get to decide what is your recovery win and fail. one thing about it is true - it is not linear. it is hard to progress forward and most stay static. but it is not a true recovery if you do not progress forward. sometimes, you need to be able to talk the talk to walk the walk? i walk the walk but unable to talk the talk truly. i still feel like i feed into my ED too much myself to be called in recovery. but it's grand that i recognise that. sometimes, recognising it is one of the biggest things between recovery and relapse. and you recognise that voice is just out to kill you. its whispers are manipulative and sweet and whatnot. it is the abusive spouse that you do not want to let go of for all the fond memories, but also the one thing that keeps you from seeing the world as it is - a barren of light that just waits for you, a world of opportunity. a world beyond numbers and scales and food.
-Sam Lupin (rest in comment in another comment) i have surpassed the limit of characters to post in a comment
there we go:
ReplyDeleteyou felt like you were feeding into ED last post - i did not really notice to be honest. because i am so used to seeing girls that in recovery do it. you are right. it is feeding into ED. thank you for showing me that as well. but you wrote this post. you are trying to progress and that is more than i could ever ask for. it is very impressive. you are very impressive.
i think for me i think i like to turn my food obsession into a stranger way. i like to be happy about food. that is what i try to be. i plan my meals and get excited about their taste. and consume food just for simple pleasures. that is when i know i am not in an ED mindset. that i realise that dieting is hard, and that food is there to be enjoyed. i am trying very hard to realise that. some days, i do. some days, i don't. but yesterday, i did. and today, i hope i do too.
-Sam Lupin
Thanks Sam
DeleteIt was really interesting to read this
I did feel like my ED wrote that last post
I had my ED hat on and I was looking for reassurance that I wasn't fat
I'm still not sure if I am in recovery
I know they say there are 5 stages to change and I think I am in the contemplative stage
I am thinking about recovery but I am not quite there yet
I am glad to read that you are in recovery
You seem to be in a really good place and that is awesome
Much love Sammy Sam x
It's a difficult question, sweety..
ReplyDeleteBecause it's so personal. What is your definition of recovery... and what's mine?
But I'll share a few thoughts and then you can pick the ones you like ;-)
(o, and I did read your last blog, which you deleted and I admire you, for listening to your heart and keep your own boundries in mind)
My vision (as if I am a great mind ;-P) is that recovery is different with different ilnesses. But, in general, one can not be in recovery, whilest all the symptoms/criteria of the disease still can be checked.
Look, in recovery/in remission is just something different than 'wanting to be better'. And there's nothing wrong with being on your way tó recovery. Because, if you're never on your way, you'll never recover.
It's like, I have an ED as well as selfharm issues. And I'd like to compare/illustratie my answer to your question, to my selfharm issue, and not to my ED, so it makes it less personal for you, maybe?
I've been doing that shizzle since I was eight years old, and a few days ago I turned 34. When I was twenty something, I made it to almost a year without cutting myself, which is my main problem in that area.
But I wasn't even near recovery, and you know why? All my thoughts revolved arround doing myself as much harm as I could. I didn't cut, but I thought about it 24/7. And I did 'accidentally' bump into things, sandpapered myself and so on, and so on.
So, the actual cutting might have been on hold for that period, but my problem wasn't.
And with your ED, and in honesty with mine, it's kind of the same. I want a life without it. But I still purge regularly. I still think my weight is very important. The whole eating is still a daily struggle.
So I'm not actually IN recovery, but I do want to be 'better' and I do want to keep on fighting to reach a more healthy life, and not a life that in all honesty almost completely revolves arround ways to hurt myself and so on...
I hope that my answer doesn't shock or hurt you, I don't mean to....
Maybe I am to honest and vulnerable now, but I wanted to give you a fair answer.
love
A
Thanks A, you make a lot of sense
DeleteI guess I can compare my ED to my addiction
I don't take illegal drugs anymore
But I still misuse my meds so that may mean that I am not clean and sober
I think it's the same with my ED
I am still holding on to certain behaviours
So I can't in all honesty say that I am in recovery
I will keep working at it though
And hopefully some day I will get there
Thank you so much fro your continued support A
It means more than you know x
I think this is the half-problem with blogging if you're prone to sharing too much - and by too much I just mean more than you're actually comfortable with deep down. I think us ED'ers tend to fall into two groups: those that clam up and can't hardly talk about a thing because they can't bare to face it, and those that desperately share all they can (when they feel safe to) with the hope that someone can give answers, relate, help...
ReplyDeleteI read your last post. I'm glad you deleted it because you did what felt right for you. Your honesty is very endearing, but if you keep some things to yourself people aren't going to stop caring. Sometimes you can leave yourself feeling too vulnerable if you share more than you're really okay with.
Ruby, I've been where you are now. The confusion and the sense of limbo. My only advice to you is to keep going. You're in a period of transition that will likely last many many months, if not years. It will get easier, you'll get more comfortable with the shift in perception.
Do not stop asking for reassurance and advice, don't feel guilty for it and don't stop writing :)
C x
Hey C
DeleteThank you so much for this, it really is helpful
I think you are so right
We do fall in to two categories
From my experience those who are strictly anorectic seem to hold back a lot
And those with bulimia are more impulsive and open
I think part of my sharing so much is a need to be liked and accepted
I share most things about my life on my blog but not everything
I don't share my name although some bloggers do know it because they asked for my postal address
I will keep going C
And I will keep writing and asking for help
Thank you so much for this, it really helped me today x
By the way, do you have a blog?
DeleteI went in to your profile but I can't see if you have a blog or not
Absolutely agree about anorectics being more reticent and bulimics being rather more impulsive. I guess it's about trying to fill that void, that feeling of emptiness and restlessness which no amount of b/ping can fill.
DeleteI'm always happy to help or chat, although I don't have a blog. I've been debating starting one for a while.
I had an online journal/blog for many years, which I kept anonymous, during the worst of my ED right through my stuttered attempts at recovery and beyond. I'm not sure starting a new one would be a good or a bad thing. I've been fighting/not fighting against a relapse over the last year. I'm not actually sure I every fully recovered.
I suppose the problem is that I would struggle to keep it anonymous; I'm more than my ED now, I have more to talk about. But I'm not ready for people to know about my ED.
Not sure if that even makes sense? It's Friday and it's been a long tiring week! :)
C
You make total sense C
DeleteI think blogging can be both positive and negative
For me I have to be careful not to overshare and mind myself
Sometimes I wonder of having this blog gives my ED a voice and maybe I shouldn't give it that opportunity
But over all my blog has been a positive thing in my life
I just have to be careful at the moment
And leave myself too vulnerable
Again thanks so much for your support
I always get so much from your comments x
Seeing the ED voice out in the open, written down...that can be a really valuable thing. Like with your last post. You can see those thoughts and motivations for what they really are - and then hit delete and give yourself a pat on the back for doing so!
DeleteThanks for your last few words; that's a lovely thing to say.
In that case I'll stick around and continue commenting! haha
In all seriousness though, yours is one of the few ED blogs that I can relate to so thanks to you for writing!
C x
I think recovery is a process, not an end result. You are in recovery when you are actively trying to get better.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for your post yesterday, and for ditching your scale. Those are positive steps. The fact that you were able to share when deep down you would rather keep the secrets, shows how strong you are.
Hugs to you.
Thanks JJ
DeleteAnd you are right, recovery is a process
It's about making good choices, it's not being perfect
Hugs to you too x
I agree with JJ. Recovery is an active process. As soon as you tell yourself that you are I believe you begin to recover. That's not to say that there aren't ups and downs to it. Actually, approaching EDs similar to addiction is helpful. You need to have self-efficacy, the belief that you will get better. You need to understand it's an addictive disorder and fight it as such. There are some minor differences but I would think if it like that. They say once an addict always an addict and maybe it's true. I don't know. I've been in recovery for months and I'll still get days of insecurity where I feel like a whale (the last week) but it's only temporary. You're in recovery, you just have to have the mental aspect follow your body.
ReplyDeleteI agree Eve
DeleteIt's not a black or white issue and I guess it's a spectrum
Thanks for this x
I don't know if this is going to make any sense (or if someone else already commented it) but I don't think a person necessarily has to be "in recovery" or "not in recovery" at any given moment. Recovery from eating disorders isn't like being pregnant. With pregnancy, either you are or you aren't. In my opinion, ED recovery is more like making the "right" choice more often than you don't. It's kind of a relative term. I'm almost 4 months pregnant and haven't (purposefully) restricted or over-exercised for as long as I've known I was pregnant, which is about 3 months now. But would I say I'm recovered? Not completely. Am I recoverING? Yeah! Will I stay this way? Who knows?
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm trying to say is this: the way I see it, you're doing great. I read your post yesterday and I don't really think you were staying in the past with those pics. Maybe if your weight was going the other way, but the way I saw it you were looking forward. I'm certain others will disagree with that, but that's how I saw it. I am so inspired by you and your bravery!!!! Keep fighting darling, we are all here behind you.
XOXOX Kate
You make a lot of sense Kate
DeleteAnd wow!!
Congratulations on being pregnant!!
I am so happy for you!!
Thank you for your support, it means a lot x
I'm really glad my comment yesterday was taken as I intended. First off, I think just asking these questions shows a ton of courage and introspection around recovery. These are tough questions! I also want to point out that from where you were when you started the blog, or even a few months ago, you're sounding so much more committed to recovery and really doing it. I think, as others have mentioned, that 'recovering' is a process with no specific definition. In my opinion, for me at least, it involves working with professionals (therapist, RD, doctors, psych, etc), being completely open with them, and doing the best that I can every day. I know these questions that you're asking yourself are really difficult, but I think it's really an important step that you're even thinking about these things. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete