That us eating disorder folk seem to fall in to two categories
Those that can't seem to open up at all because they can't bear to face their problems
And those and the other end of the spectrum
Who are impulsive and open almost to a fault
Obviously this is a generalisation and we all don't fit neatly in to one of these boxes
But in my experience it is mostly true
I've seen it in treatment and with my own friends
For a long time I was type one
When I was strictly anorectic
My life revolved around rules and regulations
And God forbid if I ever broke them
My day was always planned out
Exercise
Food
Everything
I struggled to express myself at this time
On the surface I pretended that everything was fine
But underneath there was a massive amount of turmoil and distress
I found it very hard to be open and express myself
I was worried what others would think of me
A huge part of me wanted to be perfect
A perfect person
A perfect size
No flaws whatsoever
It's truly exhausting being this way
I can remember crying at the thought of all the exercise I had to do
Then don't do it I hear you cry
But I had to
My ED said I had to so I had
No matter how tired or sore I was
It was a horrid existence
Over time my ED morphed in to bulimia
And with that came a lot of change
I had been regimented for so long and it just wasn't sustainable
I couldn't carry on any longer
I can remember when it started
It was when I was using drugs and didn't eat at all
When the drugs ran out I would go home to recharge my batteries
My appetite would then came back and I remember going to the kitchen and being so overwhelmed by all the food
This was when I started to binge
Then quickly discovered purging
As well as my ED changing my personality also changed
I became more impulsive and compulsive
It was like I couldn't control myself any longer
I became a lot more open
A lot more willing to talk about my issues
This had probably a lot to do with the fact that my family began to talk about things a lot more openly also
But I was honest almost to a fault
I trusted the wrong people
Let people take advantage of me
And left myself very vulnerable
Where as it's very admirable to be open and honest I think we have to be careful who we trust and who we let in to our lives
I remember when I first started going to meetings
I used to share absolutely everything that was going on in my life
Until a kind stranger took me aside and gave me some friendly advice
That I should get a sponsor
And meetings weren't the place to sort out such issues
I appreciated that because there are a lot of sick people in those rooms
So that brings me to my blog
I started writing this blog two years ago
Reading back on my most recent entries I can see that I was pretty open from the get go
And started posting photos a few months in
My blog has continued in this fashion
I've always written it like no one is going to read it
Whether that is right or wrong I'm not sure
I guess I love using photos as they can say so much more than words
Over time I have become more and more open
And as more and more people started to read this blog I had to go back and delete posts that I thought could come back to haunt me
Recently I received a comment saying that I am becoming increasingly open
And I was
I was being very lazy and had posted photos of other people
I quickly deleted those too
It seems in blogging too there are two kinds of people
Those who give little away
And those who share their entire lives
I think I definitely fall in to the latter
For me I think it's about wanting to be liked and accepted
More than a narcissistic thing I think it's very human to want others to like us
I've always been a bit like this
I was bullied as a child
And since then I've tried very hard to never let that happen again
But then I was trying so hard to be liked that I was forgetting to be myself
When I lived in Dublin I tried so hard to fit in and even acquired a Dublin accent in my attempts to be liked
I guess it is a spectrum and we are all on it somewhere
The ideal I think is to be somewhere in the middle
Open enough to be honest
But not so honest that we leave ourselves vulnerable
I was wondering about you
Where do you fall on this spectrum
Do you think there is such a thing as being too honest?
hej you,
ReplyDeleteBeginning with your last question, no. No I don't think there's such thing as being to honest. I dó think, however, there's a time and place for everything. And brutal honesty, bordering on vulnerability is not always the best policy.
In therapy, or with dependable family, or with your best friends, honesty is an important thing, at least for me it is. Which does not mean that when a family member buys a piece of clothing you find honestly ugly as... that you need to be open and outgoing and give your comment. Sometimes it's just better to be nice and say: 'it does look good on you' or something ;-)
But, this is a blog. Everybody can read it, can see it. And whilest your vulnerability is also a strength and I think many of your readers with the same struggles find comfort and solice in your words, it's not just a book or a story. It's your life. And it's ok to keep some things for yourself, or just share them in private with certain persons. That does NOT make you a dishonest or lest trustable person, it just means you're carefull with yourself and there's really nothing wrong with that...
Cause, sometimes I do worry whilest reading your blog. That you write such real things and express yourself so well ( but also vulnerable) that I fear that people could take advantage of it, or hurt you. Most of your readers are great, I do sometimes read the comments, but this world is sadly not completely made of such lovely people. Wish it was though...
And I sometimes fear that you could get damaged or badly hurt by a comment...just because it's not just a story but your daily struggles.
On the other side, because you write so honest and open, you also get a lot of support with the things that really are part of your life and your struggles. So.... it's not 'just right or wrong or black or white'...
Finally, I understand the longing for being accepted. Wanting everybody to like you.
Don't make that your life's goal though, because it's just not possible. You don't like everybody in the world, probably, so there will be persons with who you 'click' and who you like, but there also will be people that you rather avoid, and that's fine.
And people who don't like you, don't háve to read your blog, right? You don't make them.... so write because you are you, 'Ruby' and you want to write or tell something and because you're worth it, not to please the world....
love from the Netherlands again....
Hey A,
DeleteI agree with what you said
There is a time and a place for everything
And yes I do wonder sometimes if I leave myself too open on this blog
But in fairness I think in all the time I have been writing, I have had one negative comment
Most people are very kind and supportive including you
By the way do you have a blog?
I went in to your profile but I couldn't see if you write one
I would love to read it if you do
Love from sunny Ireland x
I really do like the fact that you reply on comments. You take such care... that's also a great quality of yours...
DeleteI do have a blog, in fact. But I write in Dutch, I don't know how well you can read that?
I'm glad to read that you get a lot of support, you deserve it...
Love from a hot here... pffff.... 32 degrees celcius Monday!! Today was 29 where I live... So if I don't comment the next days, I probably melted.. ;-)
He he, I hope you don't melt
DeleteMuch love x
Please do leave me link to your blog
DeleteI think I can translate it via Google x
My family never talks about bad things. The abuse, nope, not going there. This has made it very difficult for me to go to therapy, because I just can't open up.
ReplyDeleteOn my blog I am fairly open. I won't tell my real name or share photos of my face because I want to remain anonymous (and also I don't look good enough and can't bear it when people say, "but you ARE pretty," because they are lying).
I think the way we were brought up has a lot to do with how open we are
DeleteMy family was like that too growing up
Everything was swept under the carpet
But as time went on they became more and more open
Because we all had issues so we just had to talk or we would fall apart
I bet you are really pretty x
it's interesting. honestly, i also am impulsive and like to open up. i've learned to control it because i regret it very often. i do not like lying but at the same time, there are some things that i don't have to say. i do now this. i just feel like i am not honest if i do not open up enough.
ReplyDeletei would open up all of me when i could. i am a very open person in real life. i would tell people what i am thinking regardless of their feelings often. i am a narcissist at heart. i like people to fail so i would succeed. and i do tell them that. and they have learned to accept it. this is the way i think. i've made friends like this as well. they know that i am a good person underneath and that is what should matter. the people that could recognise that have always become the people that have mattered to me. i feel when i keep things away that i am lying and when i lie, i feel like a horrible human being.
i have learned to keep some things to myself (the right things in my opinion) and whatnot but i am very liberal about what i have to say when the time comes. there's a time for everything in my opinion. and those that are the closest to us deserve to know that.
you are right. there is an intermediate that is brilliant - that in which you are open enough to be honest, but keep things that are personal to you from being disclosed. and those that are close enough deserve to know it or those that you think should know. it all goes back to trust, doesn't it?
when you trust someone, that is when you can tell them everything on your mind without worrying about consequence. you can't trust everyone fully, but you sure as hell could come close to. and there are consequences for investing trust into people, but you have to realise what is worth more in that case, don't you? that's the interesting aspect. every decision could change everything. you are the pen and writer of your own stories, and at the same time, you are the reader. quite a lovely thing we have here.
a beautiful post as always, Ruby. it's amazing to see how you speculate things. and you are a beautiful person.
-Sam Lupin
Thanks Sammy,
DeleteYou know I think you are a very honest and open person from reading your blog
And you have a big heart
I can tell that from the comments you leave
Keep being your lovely self x
I agree there definitely is a spectrum. I think being carefully open is really important, but you're right it should be with the right people. I write my blog because I need the anonymity to say things I don't want to say to people in my real life. I'm open about my thoughts and my pathology and my ED and my body struggles, but I'm private about other people, the details of my life, my face because I need these to be two separate realms - I need to say everything I do here without being worried that it will affect my professional life and relationships. That's the way this works for me right now, and maybe it'll change in the future but it works for me.
ReplyDeleteI agree Erin
DeleteThere definitely is a spectrum
I guess we are open around the people we trust
Everyone is different
I haven't checked out your blog yet but I am going to now x
Discretion. It's all about who, what, when, where. I am a very blunt person and I'm very open but it's all relative to time and place. I blog very openly about things but changed names and rarely show photos even though I would like too. Honesty is a fantastic quality.
ReplyDeleteI think so too Eve
DeleteI love listening to honesty
It's so refreshing x
i'm very flattered that you enjoy reading my posts.
ReplyDeletei think when we have a mental disorder, it is difficult to find a middle ground - it's either an all or nothing response. it took me so long to realise that if i am exercising, i don't have to do so every damned day for 3 hours straight. now, i push myself for 3 hours. yeah. a WEEK. and that's good. i don't give a damn about people saying i can exercise every day if i want to. i don't want to. hell, the only reason i do exercise at all is because i don't want a gym membership to go to waste.
ah, darling. you've achieved something worthwhile already. just by being human. us humans are special creatures. and i'd like to think we were born this way for a reason. could've been born a bacterium or a giraffe but we weren't. that makes us lucky.
i am also very flattered that you said you'd like to spend an hour in my head. i'm afraid it's not very interesting. the type of thinking i have now - i'd like to put as much logic in it as i can.
people's words don't have to mean anything. you give it the power to mean something. that means you can use people's words to fuel your destruction or your recreation. that is one thing i have realised as well xxxx
i love you, darling. take care of yourself. there is only one of you in this world.
-Sam Lupin
Honesty...
ReplyDeleteSuch a difficult thing to balance.
Honesty with the right people, in the right place, is a wondrous powerful thing. When you have people who respect it, appreciate it. But in the wrong place it can cause so much heartache.
Where do I fall on the spectrum: I'm a bit of a mixed bag really. I'm incredibly honest about most things with people, about how I feel or what my opinions are...but some things I can barely speak about even anonymously. Those things tend to be the most important. I squash those down and bottle them up and get terrified when they surface because it leads to self harm or drinking or generally feeling exposed and crazy.
Perfectly well adjusted me!
C x
It is difficult C
DeleteYou actually inspired this post
Even though I don't know you
Or even know your name or who you are, you have helped me massively
Just by reading and commenting and supporting me
It means more than you know
Ok this is getting very emotional so I'm going to stop writing before we all start crying, he he! x
I've always been open to a fault. I've struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember, and it has always been a very open topic in my family. Funnily enough, as a child, our number one family rule was "honesty is always the best policy". It continued when I started blogging and I have few regrets. I post pictures because I like having that 'connection', and I do think it helps tell a story. I want people to read my blog and be able to connect with a real person on a real journey. I don't have much social interaction and I don't post names of my team or anything, so I don't think I'm sharing anything that I don't have right to share. There was one point during a manic episode that I went back and deleted a few random posts, but for the most part it doesn't bother me. I know several people from my past have/do read my blog, but I'm okay with it. Heck, if there was anything people want to know but I haven't shared, I don't think there's much I'd hide. The only thing I don't shout from the rooftops is my birthname, but I've gone by Bella exclusively since I was 14 years old anyway. My family and medicos are the only ones who still call me by my birthname. I know one day it might come back to bite me, but I can't see myself ever hiding (or even being able to hide) the fact I've struggled with MH issues for so long.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs to you my dear friend <3 xx
It's great to be from a family that is so honest
DeleteI grew up in a house where everything was swept under the carpet
It wasn't until the shit hit the fan that my family had to start opening up
I hope you're ok dear Bella
Are you home from hospital yet?
I am thinking of you my dear x
I am very closed off to people in my real life. I let some things out in little trickles but always as a something that is in the past, even if it's not in the past. Talking about things has always been hard because like you my family didn't talk about anything. Best example: my sister got pregnant and the way I found out was my mom telling me "Colleen is six months pregnant, Pauls the father- don't tell anyone. " It's so illustrations my family.
ReplyDeleteGosh that reminds me of when my sister got pregnant
DeleteI was the first family member she told and I was sworn to sec recy
She didn't tell our parents until she was 5 months gone
Thankfully my family are a lot more open now x