And I've just realised how many bloggers have stopped blogging
Some have deleted their entire blogs
I wonder what has happened to these girls
Did they recover?
Did they finally tell their EDs to fuck right off?
Did they go in to treatment?
Did they die?
Where are they?
A lot of the bloggers that were around when I first started blogging have now disappeared
I miss them
And I worry about them
I wish I knew what had happened to them
Rayya?
Anna Stone?
Emily?
Katie?
The Lovely Bones?
And Thinderella who I had become very close to seemed to vanish off the face of the earth
I hope the fact that some of these girls deleted their blogs means that they finally saw how empty this way of life is and they moved on
I hope they have let go of their need to lose weight
I hope they are living their lives in spite of their ED
And of course for every blog that disapppears
There are two that pop up
I feel conflicted about this
I love to find a new blog that I really identify with
But I hate the fact that there is one more person fighting this battle
We have a unique community here
Not everyone understands it
But for us it is vital
It's so important that we have a place to vent
A place to be heard
A place to identify with others
A place we can reveal our darkest secrets without fear of rejection or judgement
Some of us write openly
Some of us anonymously
But we all do it for the same reason
Because we are eating disordered
We are hurting
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We need to know that there are others like us
We need to know that we are not alone fighting this cruel illness
We need each other
I had a good friend that I met through blogging
She used to blog in this community but stopped after she got well
She always told me that I should get out of this community
That it was unhealthy
But I write because I have to
I literally have to
These days I have so much to write about that I write every day
Sometimes more than that
My head is just so full of thoughts and ideas
I can barely contain it
And since my health has improved so has my clarity of mind
I make sense of the world through writing
I clear my head through writing
I live through writing
I was wondering about you
If you blog why do you blog?
Why do you write?
What do you get from blogging?
I'm not really sure how or why I started blogging, just kind of happened. I think now I just needed a place to put all the things I couldn't talk about in real life, a place to sort the mess in my head out.
ReplyDeleteHonestly the main reason I stay around blogger is because of all the lives I've come to know and follow :] ...and it is so heart breaking and worrisome when they disappear.
Keep writing for you darling, all my love xx
So good to hear from Melrose, I often think of you
DeleteYou are a beautiful writer, never forget that x
I think about this a lot too. I have a hard time letting go, and it makes me so sad when people just disappear. I got a comment from Rayya a couple of months ago, and I have Lovely on Facebook, though I don't really know how they're going with their struggles. I noticed recently that Anna's Facebook disappeared - I'm not sure if she unfriended me or deleted it, but I'm worried for her because I don't have any other ways to contact her. I truly hope Katie is doing better - last I heard she'd fallen pregnant, and I think about her often, wondering if she's struggling or thriving. I do think about Emily a lot too. Her blog was so thought-provoking and no doubt helpful to so many people.
ReplyDeleteBlogging for me was initially a social exercise, and still is. I'd just left my boyfriend of two years, and was totally isolated and falling apart. A week later, I started blogging. I'd journalled for years, and thought it'd be the best starting point for building a social network. Part of be wants to raise awareness and just generally share my story, but the biggest appeal for me is the social contact. I don't have a friend in the world outside of Blogger, and I know I'd be much worse off without.
I find some comfort in knowing my blog will never just disappear. I try to be reachable outside of blogger, whether by email or Facebook or post, and my family are also aware of my blog. If anything should happen, for better or worse, I know my blog won't be one of those that just stopped posting without explanation. But long story short, blogging gives me a social network in a world where I'm otherwise completely isolated.
Love
xx
Yes Bella, you and I started blogging around the same time
DeleteIt's been amazing to be part of your journey and all the girls here
I see Rayya just commented on this post
So good to hear from her but so sorry that she is struggling
I loved Anna and Katie
I got an email from Anna when I was in hospital
She said she had started a new blog but didn't share the link
I just hope and pray that they are all ok
And I hope you are ok sweetheart
Are you home yet?
I hope you're feeling better
Always with ya x
Blogging has allowed me to be honest with myself. I live two lives; the one where everything is okay and then my real life. I am trying to create a new life for myself where I can just be me and my blog is helping me to do it.
ReplyDeleteThat's great Josie
DeleteI know you have a lot going on right now
I just hope and pray that things work out the way you hope
Much love x
Rayya is my friend, she's alive but she is definitely struggling a hell of a lot right now, I know she still reads blogs but she doesn't write one. Rayya if you see this I LOVE YOU TONS xx I hope the week gets esier for you Ruby xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for this Milly
DeleteI see Rayya commented below, so good to hear from her
I hope you're ok Milly Moo, thinking off ya x
i think of them quite often too. Anna Stone had left because she felt like she was sharing too much. i had too noticed her Facebook disappearing and whatnot. i am hoping she really is fine. i feel very hopeful for her. Emily has been worrying me. i feel like something bad had happened to her. i did not know Rayya well enough or Katie. The Lovely Bones i've just been reading her blog again. i have not followed her until afterwards. Thinderella i really wanted to hear more of. :( she was very cute.
ReplyDeletei agree with you on this. this world is my family. i have never fallen out of a relationship with someone. people have fallen out of relationships with me. there is nothing wrong with the blogger community. there is nothing unhealthy about it in my opinion. i can't imagine life without my blog. if i ever had to leave, you would allow know. just like my family would know if i decide to leave here. but i like familiarity. you people are there for me when a lot of people are not, or when i cannot find the words to tell other people what i am faced with.
people do want me to recover, but they very rarely have an idea of what an eating disorder is or what i am trying to recover from. they have no idea what comes close to being in my head. the worst they could tell me is that i want to be beautiful, or that i want to be perfect. because i want none of those and in fact, i want the opposite of both of those. i have long wanted to be the plain Jane. i'm not sure why. i distaste beauty because i see what it does to people when they try to go after it.
-Sam Lupin
I am the same Sam
DeleteBlogging is a huge part of my life and I can't imagine life without it
I check my blog multiple times a day every day
And lately I've been writing every single day too
I think we have a unique community here and I love it
I know some people think that it's unhealthy
But for me at this moment in time it is a force for good
Love you Sammy Sam x
Hey ruby, I still read your posts and I find it so touching that you remember me.. Milly is right I am struggling immensely and if you (milly) read this *i love you absolutely millions you complete and utter star <3* I went through a period of trying to eat as opposed to chew and spit and found my obsession with food and calories resurface and take hold with a vengeance.. And now the ed monster is stronger than ever and I am slowly self destructing in a chaotic but controlled ed fashion. I have not 'recovered' and 'struggling' is an appropriate descriptor of my current state.. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, you are in mine often and I think you look brilliant ruby but your weight gain is unnoticeable - I think you will be the only one to notice as we are our own harshest critics.. I am so glad you are recovering and that you find so much positivity - I wish you all the best <3 you are beautiful and you are loved.
ReplyDeleteLots of love
Rayya
Oh Rayya darling, you don't know how good it is to hear from you
DeleteI am so delighted that you came by and left a comment
You know you were the first person I became friendly with here I have never forgotten you
I am so sorry to read that you are struggling
Please believe me when I say that things can and do get better
And it can happen when you least expect it
Can I ask why you stoppe blogging?
I see you have removed your blog
You know I often think of you and am still so fond of you
I hope you see this reply
Please do email me if you would like to stay in touch
I would love to keep contact
Please please keep the faith Rayya dearest
I believe in you so much
You are a strong and beautiful girl and I love you so much
Take good care of you, as best you can x
Blogging is my therapy. I don't do well in real therapy, because I can't really open up to a person face to face (my Asperger kicks in something bad in the presence of a real live person).
ReplyDeletere: yes, I am doing Weight Watchers. How can an ED counsellor suggest that to a client?
I know it was strange but I thin she was trying to show me how little calories and point s were in certain foods
DeleteI don't think it was the best idea in the world giving me that though because I then found the recipe for the 0 point vegetable soup and lived off that for quite a while
I hope it works out better for you x
That is an amazing description of what the importance of this sort of blog is. At times when I stopped blogging, I tended to do worse. I'm less in touch with my feelings and thoughts if I am not getting them out, and I definitely am not going to tell all of them to someone. I figure with a blog reading is optional, so it doesn't matter if I write badly or the wrong things or too much. I never could write this stuff in an actual journal because it seems weird describing my life in something no one will ever read or hear. Online, I know people may or may not read it. It may or may not help, but at least it's like talking to someone.
ReplyDelete