I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
So I had prepared her for the fact that I had gained weight
I was nervous to meet her
Afraid of what she would think of my weigh gain
She laughed when she saw me
She said that she could see no weight gain
And I trust this girl
She wouldn't lie to me
Part of me was relieved
But another part of me was frustrated
I have re-gained weight
That is a fact
The scale doesn't lie
But everyone around me insists that they can't see it
I can
Why can't they?
My friend said that I look great
It's hard to hear that
Because that means I am getting better
That means that I am further away from my eating disorder
That is hard to take and I am not entirely sure why
You would think that I would be glad to see the back of it
But instead it makes me sad
Like I am grieving for the loss of it
I am still getting used to my new body
Thankfully I have clothes in every size under the sun so I am prepared for every eventuality
Most of my 'anorectic' clothes still fit
They just fit differently
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
I don't like it when they fit snugly
I have a favourite pair of anorectic jeans
I bought them in France
They are teeny tiny
At my lowest weight I had to hold them up with a belt
I love them because the denim is so soft
But I don't wear them anymore
They still fit
But now they hug my figure and I don't like it
I deliberately got a tan this summer
I just think that brown flabby skin looks better than white flabby skin
It's making it bearable to be this weight
Sometimes I am ok with the weight
And sometimes I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I feel so different
Now I feel just like any other normal girl
There is nothing different or spectacular about me
I guess that is one of the reasons I held on to my illness
Because it made me different
I liked being different
I don't like being average
I don't like being just another face in the crowd
Every day I fight the temptation to restrict
To lose weight
To fall head first down the rabbit hole
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
Relapse takes so much out of me
Whether it is drugs, drink or my eating disorder
It's mentally and physically exhausting
And it's so hard to come back from that
When I was chatting to my friend the other night, I asked her of she thought she would ever use again
She said that she didn't have another relapse in her
That it would kill her
I was honest
I admitted that part of me thought I had another round of addiction in me
That I may relapse
I really shouldn't think that way because what we believe we manifest
But I have to be honest
Part of me thinks that when I parents die I will head for oblivion again
I don't want to
But I don't know if I will be able to stop myself
As for my eating disorder
I know that can sneak up on me
And I'm not aware of it until I am in it up to my neck
I need to find more reasons to recover
To live
I need to have people in my life that I want to live for
I need to have a purpose
A raison d'etre
Like armour against my demons
Does that makes sense?
I need to feel useful
I need places to go
People to see
Obligations to fulfil
I need to fill the hole that my ED and my addiction have left
For homework for my mindfulness course I have to write my ideal life story
An essay of the way I would love my life to be
I don't want much
I just want to feel peace of mind
I want to feel that I want to live
And I don't want to die
I want to feel able to live in reality
To be able to cope without resorting to drink or drugs or food
I want to love and be loved
I want to have many animals
I want to help others
I want to work at a job that I love
I want to laugh loads
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
To accept my body
To accept and like myself
Flaws and all
I don't want much
Just a life that I can bear
A life that I don't want to numb
A life that makes me happy
Anyway I digress
Here is my weight progress.............
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| March 6th 2014 |
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| May 15th 2014 |
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| June 21st 2014 |
I'm sorry for asking, but do you have a sink in your room? :)
ReplyDeleteYes I do have a sink although I don't use it
DeleteThis is again such an open and vulnerable blog... I'm not quite sure how to react...
ReplyDeleteMight tell you about my little demon. Which tells me, now that I'm having a heatlth issue: 'I can make this worse, I can ruin it even more'.
And I know I should choose another direction, should fight back. But I have nothing to replace this behaviour.
I think that might also be a piece of your struggles now. If you don't let the ED blow out of proportion, not misuse meds, not slip into any addiction, then what...??
I don't know and so I don't know what to write....I am sorry...
love,
A
That is definitely part of my struggle right now
DeleteBouncing from one addiction to another
It's like I go in to self destruct mods
It's ok , no need to apologise at all
Love to you too A x
how many people do you need to tell you that they cannot see a difference? and how many people on blogger would be honest?
ReplyDeleteanyway, i'll comment, it is up to you how valid you regard this one is: I CANNOT SEE a difference, except - considering the other pictures - that your face looks younger. no, ruby NOT FULLER BIGGER FATTER HEALTHIER ETC ETC - just younger and happier!
xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteand add an ;-) to the first paragraph of my comment, it read weird otherwise, IRL i would have laughed and given you a hug with this remark!
Thanks Loulou
DeleteI know that it is not in you to tell a lie
I can see a difference in my face too
And I am ok with that
And yes, I am most certainly happier
I am feckin' fantastic! He He
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I think that slight bit of it looks good on you! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you I think x
DeleteWhat you said about if your parents die you will head toward oblivion. I've thought the same thing. Not just them. I feel like as an alcoholic and a cutter and a bulimic any big tragedy might send me over the edge.
ReplyDeleteI remember in AA a couple weeks ago (this might be off topic) they talked about knowing addicts and people they loved that they would really love to death. The people they knew weren't going to make it back. I can't help thinking I'm one of those people. I don't feel like that the addict in me won't go away. It will just switch back and forth enough to keep me alive for now.
You, i think, will make it. I can tell you have the desire to live. Even if you have a relapse in you, I think you'll make it back. Some addicts don't relapse. Some do. But I see people in meetings with so many relapses that have years of sobriety. I think that's how the disease works.
I think as for as progress in a few months, I see a slight difference between March and May, but it could be an angle. But whether one person sees a difference, or the other one doesn't, it doesn't matter what other people see. It matters how you feel and if you're accepting the chance that your body may change. I'm one of those people that changes in weight or clothes sizes, and what other people see vs what I see is so different. I hugged my best friend who I haven't seen in six months the other day and she immediately remarked "Oh shit you've lost weight." when in fact I haven't, I've been pretty much the same for a few months. ED me would have taken that comment and either ran towards "Yes, my goal, let's get smaller" or gone the opposite way and thought "She doesn't know what she's talking, can't she see how huge I am" (unfortunately that latter was my thought all too much). But focus on how you feel. We all know too well pictures and mirrors and peoples' perceptions vs numbers are incredibly different. What matters is how you feel. Take it day by day. From what I've been reading, it sounds like you're getting towards a much better place than you were a while ago. Also, I saw your sticker for Best ED Blogs of 2014, that's so exciting!
ReplyDeleteOn a last thought (I'm sorry I always write so much on comments), that bit about thinking you have one more relapse in you...I think that's the thing about addiction sides of our brains...we think we can always come back to recovery and be better after a relapse. That it can be treated as a quick pit stop. I don't think you can guarantee getting right back to recovery, at least in my opinion. There isn't an option where you can hit the pause button on recovery to go back to old habits. I love you dear, take care.
I definetely can see the difference just looking at your legs, but I think you look good!
ReplyDelete