H.O.P.E

I saw Mary today
I treasure these sessions now
As she will be gone in less than 2 months
And what with holidays I'm sure I won't get to see her every single week

She always starts off by saying 'How have you been?'
Where do I start?
There's been so much change
So much is happening
And it seems to be happening so quickly
It's strange how things can turn around
Just 6 months ago I was in treatment
Losing weight
Generally not doing anything I was supposed to be doing
I had little or no interest in getting well
I had written myself off as a lost cause
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could get better
That I had a future
A life beyond this thing we call ED
I was in a black hole of depression
Full of anxiety
Crippled by fear
I woke up every morning with an impending sense of doom
I had this constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen

It's so great that Mary gets to see me in a better place
I've been seeing her for almost 3 years
And for most of that time I have been very unwell
Mary came in to my life just at the perfect time
She has been an integral part of my journey

She asked me if I had been weighing myself
I said that I had once
She weighed me anyway
I didn't look
She did tell me my BMI
It's almost in the healthy range
I didn't have much of a reaction hearing this
It is what it is
I accept it
I may not like it
But I accept it

Mary asked me about coming to terms with my new body
It's hard
I was so slim that I had no bum and no boobs
But now sharp edges and point bones have given way to soft curves
A more womanly shape
I explained that I was getting used to the boobage
But that I didn't know quite what to do with them
The fact is that they are much bigger now
I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing
Mary suggested that I go and get measured properly
And invest in some good bras
She also suggested that I buy a really good pair of jeans that flatter my figure
Shopping?
You don't need to tell this girl twice

I told Mary about the incident at the weekend
She said it was important that I move on
And not beat myself up about it
Easier said than done
But I am trying

I also told her that my food is all over the place
That I'm not eating regular meals
So we made a food plan for the week
I need to get my shit together in that respect
I can't survive on crisps and chocolate
So that's my next mission
To get my food sorted

In other news
My big sister arrives home from Australia on Monday
I am super excited
We get on like a house on fire
And it will be nice to have another heart beat in the house

I just wanted you to know
That no matter how bad things are
No matter how hopeless things seem
No matter how low you feel
There is always hope
Please believe me when I say that
I have been as low as a person can go
I've experienced rock bottom after rock bottom
I truly thought there was no hope for me
But just when I thought that I couldn't take any more
Things began to turn around
The light at the end of the tunnel came in to view
I started to believe that I just might be ok
I can't tell you what a revelation that is
I was hanging on by my finger tips
I barely had a grip on reality
I didn't want to live
I didn't want to recover
But now I have seen  glimpse of what my life could be like
The possibilities
The opportunities
They are all there for me
Recovery is there for me
I just have to reach out and grab it

I am no poster girl for recovery
I am not doing everything perfectly
I still mess up (See Saturday)
I still have days when I don't want to get out of bed
But those days are becoming fewer and fewer
The good now outweighs the bad
The positive out weighs the negative

All I can do is take baby steps in the right direction
One day at a time
Keep in simple
And whatever happens
Keep eating
That is probably the single most crucial and difficult thing about recovery
But it must be done

I don't know what the future holds for me
But the future looks brighter
I will be ok
I just know I will
And so will you